Why Yes, I did fuck that up apparently

Friend of mine got married over the weekend.  I was not invited. Seeing the pics on Facebook are bringing the pain.  This guy was in my wedding 13 yrs back as one of my groomsmen and we used to be pretty good friends.  I guess(no, I’m pretty sure, I just can’t remember exactly from being too drunk I spose) somewhere along the line I fucked up our friendship. Don’t know what exactly I did, but the results speak for themselves.  Haven’t spoken with him or hung out with him since the football season before I got sober, and did not receive an invite to the wedding.  I was already pretty sure he was going to be on the Step 8 list, as well as the step 9 follow through, now it’s confirmed.  Maybe someday I’ll share with him how hurt and sorry I am, but not today.  It’s not about me or my hurt feelings.  It’s about him and his chosen friends/family having a great time celebrating his wedding.

But damn it hurts.  So what’s the lesson here?  Ironically enough I couldn’t sleep last night (I don’t sleep well anymore at all) and I was up watching Warrior.  It’s got Nick Nolte as the estranged father with the two sons that don’t speak to each other and they end up fighting each other in a UFC type tournament.  I like the movie pretty well akshooly.  But I was up watching it reflecting on the bad relationships the father has with the sons, and how I’m so hard on my own son and I hope I don’t fuck that up either.  He’s only 5 so I’ve got plenty of time.  Then today in church(still hate church btw and have a hard time going but am trying to do right by the kids and wife) the preacher was talking about suffering and lessons.  What’s the lesson here?

Maybe this is a small snippet of what a bad relationship would be like.  Imagine this was your son man….not just a buddy from highschool you roomed with for a year in college and had in your wedding and oh btw got drunk at his house all the time during football season.  Imagine your son not wanting you to see his kids or be around at all.  Maybe that’s the lesson here.  Or your daughter too.  She’s 8.  Plenty of time still to fuck that up too.

And what about your wife?  Allllllllll the shit she’s put up with over the years?  What if she left and took the kids?  You’d have nothing.  You don’t have any friends.  You don’t keep up with anybody.  You don’t even want to visit family.  You’d rather be alone. This is what you’ve chosen.

You’ve know for awhile now via subtle hints your friend wasn’t really interested in having your around anymore.  This weekend was just the final nail in the coffin.  Hell, he even had your best man in his wedding too.  Unclear from facebook pics whether he was best man there too or just a groomsman.  And….you don’t keep up with him either.  you suck at friends. you know that?  you better not fuck up your family.  if you do, you will truly die miserable and alone.

A Calendar Year

Huh.  Just realized I’ve been sober for a whole Calendar Year.  Jan 1 2012 to Dec 31 2012 I was sober….the entire year.  That hasn’t happened in a good old looong time.  It’s been hard at times, and easy at times, but it’s good.  Despite all my bitching.  Now, on top of it, I’m sitting at 16 months and change, but it’s a nice book end to wrap up an entire CY.  Hope you’re doing great.

Fuck it all and Fuck It

this will be a rant.  if you don’t like profanity, then you should fuck off.

the last month and a half has sucked shit.  donkey balls.  big ones.  Just as stuff was starting to come together up here and we were getting into a routine, my wife has a spill and breaks her leg.  We were up on Stone Mtn, had taken the tram up and were going to hike down.  We were walking around the top checking things out when my son slipped and fell, then my wife slipped helping him.  He was fine.  She wasn’t.

So for the last 3 wks we’ve had family members staying with us, helping out, b/c my wife can’t even drive anywhere.  It’s her right leg that broke, right above the ankle.  Had to have a plate, screws, everything.  No it’s not her fault she fell, and I’m not blaming her, or my son, or anything, but it has sucked.  Mainly b/c this motherfucking self centered alcoholic has had to step up to the plate and not get to do things he’s wanted to do.  We lost a whole fucking month of going to State parks and checking out leaves changing colors.  Hiking, biking, exploring.  nope.  stuck at home.  sitting on our asses watching tv. My mom came to help, then my wife’s mother in law, then my wife’s niece, now just before christmas, we’re alone.  Now her uncle just passed from cancer and we’ll prolly have to blow our holiday plans to go to that.  fuck this self centered asshole just can’t catch a break.

on top of it, work has sucked donkey balls too.  I’m coming along, but to say we’ve been busy would be an understatement.  then the fucking dog got into something outside and got all tore up.  Couple hundred at the vet for that.  Then the fucking cat got into something outside and all tore up.  Nother few hundred for that.  When does it fucking end?  I want to crawl in a fucking hole and make the world go away. and I know exactly how I’d do it too.  and then sandy hook too on top of it all?  burn in hell motherfucker.  the past week I’ve just been looking at my kids and going through all the regular stuff with them and my family and I keep thinking of the parents that don’t get to do that anymore. where was fucking god then?  and don’t say he was with the fucking hero teacher that shielded her kids b/c I don’t want to believe that.  I’d rather be angry about it.

But I won’t drink.  God damnit.  Noooo, I had to go and get fucking sober for some stupid shit reason.  Turned over 16 months in the middle of all this shit.  Found a home group and am planning on regular meetings through all this shit.

I.amnot.handling.this.well.

and I feel like such a god damn failure because of it.  What, you can’t even step up to the plate for a little bit and take over some chores around the house b/c the wife is laid up?  couldn’t even make it 4 days after the help left before breaking down? pussy.

the only reason I’m still sober through all this shit is b/c of AA.  and getting off my ass and finding meetings up here.  I’ve felt myself slipping here lately.  going back to the old bad thoughts.  bad things man.  my homegroup has monday meetings in the evening.  I’ve been weighing whether I should go to the christmas eve one.  I’d like to, but feel bad about leaving the fam on christmas eve, of all nights, to go to a meeting.

one day at a time

keep coming back, it works if you work it

god, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

A lesson for me

there’s a couple guys in my office at my new job in Atlanta that sit adjacent to my cube.  older guys.  salty.  every other word out of their mouths are profanity or disparaging towards someone else.  I’ve only been here at this job in this spot for a month, but it’s already bugging the heck out of me.  I begin to see what annoys my wife so much about me and my foul mouth.

 I like to try and see what the lesson learned can be from situations, rather than just sitting there and being like “oh woe is me”.  So after a while of just being annoyed by these two guys, it hit me.  It’s quite possible that this is an excellent learning opportunity for me.  This is a chance to see another person (or people) the way my wife sees me, has seen me all these years.  Geez, if my wife is anywhere near as annoyed with my potty mouth as I am with these guys, it’s a wonder she didn’t leave me a looooong time ago.  Perseverance of a good woman I guess. +1 for you babe.  soup nazi sez….lots of +1′s for you (don’t forget to roll your R’s)

 Step 6 is becoming ready to have god remove all your characters defects.  Step 7 is asking.  I’m finding that it’s kind of a rolling average type thing where I didn’t just sit down and ask for all at once at the same time, but rather I’m asking as I’m ready.  Well, yay for making steps 6 and 7 for my potty mouth.

 Thanks for the opportunity to learn how my wife sees me.  Thanks for putting up with me babe.

Things are Comin’ Together

Hey You Guys!

man, what a month.  I haven’t been on here even to check stats hardly, much less post, but just wanted to drop a line and let everybody know I’m still here and still sober.  Turned over 13 months a bit ago.  Been too busy really to even have time to think about posting.  New job, new house, new drive to work, new school for the kids, unpacking, etc, etc, etc….

Been good through it all.  Have had the occasional craving, and that’s when I know it’s time to make time to go to a meeting.  My sponsor was actually getting on me about that the other day.  But I’ve been to a couple here in the new place now and plan to keep going.

More later when I’ve got more time and interest.  Hope you’re all doing great.  We’re doing good, and everything is coming together so far, and things are beginning to settle, tho it is still sometimes turbulent.  I forget if I mentioned it, but we’re outside Atlanta now, and I’m working for an engineering company doing Safety Verification on Chinese Nuclear Reactors.  Cool stuff.  I’ve worked more in the last two weeks at this new job than I had the last 8 months at the old one.  So fuck’em.  (ya I still may be a bit bitter, but their loss).

Sloth Love Chunk!

You Alone will have to do it, but you won’t have to do it alone

picked up this nugget off of a facebook comment to a friend sharing my coming out of the closet on facebook for my 1 yr of being sober.  New Favorite Quote.

Anyway, yesterday was just the most serendipitous day I can remember.  My 1 yr of sobriety, the date lined up to be 19 as well (8/15/2012 = 19), AND I agreed to terms with a company in Atlanta for a new job.

y’know, I almost hate to say this, because I hate seeing it when other people say it, I cringe really; but I’ll say it: God is Good.  holy  shit did I just say that?  I’ve been praying for guidance this whole time and I really believe I received it.  And it’s not even something I can quantify.  It’s little things like noticing things that mean something to me, that would totally be insignificant to you.  But they were there, several times.  Like bread crumbs.  You’d have to be paying attention, or you’d miss them.  Anybody seen the new Pixar flick Brave with the scotticsh redhead girl?  Know those little blue fairy/diamond things that lead her around?  ya that.

Now we go through the steps of moving the household to the new place as well as rent out the current place.  Yes, I’ll still be praying for guidance.

It truly is amazing how much more strength I’ve been given in the last year.  Here’s to many more to come.

Almost There

So now we come to it.  Maybe.  Big week this week.  Daughter started 2nd grade last week.  Son got into the same Elementary as daughter like we wanted (we’re out of area and had to get a waiver) and he starts Kindergarten tomorrow.  My 1yr of sobriety is this Wednesday Aug 15 2012 (and it’s 19 too, remember?  8,1,5,2,1,2)….and I may be deciding where I’ll be working/where we’ll be living soon.

Have had plenty of job interviewz schtuff over the last month I’ll just gloss over, but suffice to say, I’ve had a few phone interviews, as well as a couple trips.  1 offer.   I’ve countered the offer and should be hearing on the counter tomorrow, Monday.  Maybe.  They’ll either say yes, no, or maybe.  We shall see.  It will require moving the family, figuring out something to do with the house, putting the kids into new schools, a new church, new, new, new.  I’m terrified.  There’s a time not too long ago I would’ve welcomed the change.  No longer.  Responsibilities of a (sober)husband and father weigh greatly on me.  Have just been trying to stay busy, not allowing my self to think about it.

Been praying a bit more than usual.  Just asking for guidance really.  Lord Guide Me.  Show me the path.  Is this the right choice? Send me a sign.  Oh, and if you do send me a sign, make it obvious enough I’ll realize it, K?  just sayin.  I think there’ve been a few things, but who knows.  Faith or lack thereof is the divider between taking a happening as a sign from God or just random occurrence.

Have been doing good with cravings and the like as well.  haven’t been to many meetings.  know I should go more…..but it’s amazing how much better I’m handling this than I would be drinking. We will be amazed before we are halfway through. (Big Book Pg 83-84 go look it up)  Thank You God.  just, thanks.