Only if you let it

•September 18, 2014 • Leave a Comment

man it’s a lot harder to actually do this than it is to say it…..but it’s true.

A lot of things in life will only bug you if you let them. Kinda falls under that old line of Life is really only 10% of what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.

Which is a nice way of framing it I spose. If you’re so inclined. I had a sponsor in Georgia, great guy, cool name. Raz. Used to get on me about stuff, and how about everything comes down to how I choose to react to it. I can let things bug me, or I can deal with them and let them roll off my back.

Overall I think I’ve gotten better at things, but of course I’ve still got my buttons or triggers. I spose everyone does. Luckily there’s not much anymore that triggers me to want to drink, well, that’s a lie. I would still love to be able to drink, but I’m smart(?) enough to know better….maybe experienced enough(?)….or maybe I’ve simply reached an acceptance. Despite not going to meetings anymore, or not having a sponsor anymore, or not working the AA steps anymore. Lucky so far. Anybody who’s ever started drinking again has been somebody who left the rooms.

I haven’t hit that. Yet. There’s always the “yet”

YETI YETI YETI YETI!!!

YETI YETI YETI YETI YETI!!!!

Gold star for you if you can guess what that’s from

Back to Raz. Reason he’s not my sponsor anymore is because of me. He recommended I get another home group here in Wilmy, and a local sponsor. I have failed on both accounts, and it’s all me. I also quit calling him, basically I dropped him. I know I could call him up today and it would be fine.

But srsly, back to choosing…..’nother thing Raz used to tell me is there’s nothing he could say to me to make me not want to drink again. It’s all my choice. It only bugs me if I let it. It’s my choice how I handle it.

Drinking. Annoying Coworkers. free ride when you’ve already paid. good advice you just can’t take….=)

Follow up to “I quit”

•September 18, 2014 • 2 Comments

Really, what does that mean? What would I be “quitting”?

My job I currently have that I accepted all the responsibility for? Nope, can’t do that.  How else am I gonna bankroll the extravagant lifestyle we lead?

My drinking?  Nope, can’t do that.  There’s no fucking way I could handle this job if I was drinking. My performance is light years away from where it used to be when I was drinking.  I would not be able to handle the sponstilities of this job coming in hungover with the alcohol shits every day like I used to.  Wouldn’t be able to handle the family life either.  Kids after school activiities, kids homework, quality family time in the evenings…..

My life?  ya, no let’s not go there.  Haven’t taken a nose dive that deep in a good ol’ long while so let’s not even look down that road.

Really, I think me saying “I quit” is just another way for me to whine about the blessings and challenges I have to deal with.  I hate quitting, not rising to a challenge.  But, I’ll whine about it a lot along the way too. If I was still drinking, I would’ve prolly quit all those items listed above, so maybe it’s just a hangover from my hangover days.  A remnant of who I used to be as well as that monkey that’s always lingering in the corner in the back of the room.  Just waiting to be fed.

Maybe I should just quit my whining?

I quit….aaaand a lot of other stuff.

•September 17, 2014 • 4 Comments

First off, still not drinking so I’ve got that going for me, which is nice. Can’t really claim sober because I’m not working at anything or going to meetings or have a sponsor so there’s that.

But, I DID turn over 3 yrs dry in August. Yay. Fucking. Me. Why yes I’m still resentful about a lot of shit because I haven’t done any work to resolve it. hee hee.

Soooo, update from over a year ago then: Last post was June 2013. I was in Atlanta with the fam, wife was recovered from her broken leg, kids were doing fine in school, and my job in Atlanta sucked donkey balls. I had received the “talk” at work and was put on a Performance Improvement Plan, which really, looking back on it, I needed. But, it was the catalyst for me looking for another job, which I got.

We’re now in Wilmington and have been here since September 2013. A year here is sooooo much better than a year in Atlanta was. Holy shit fire batman. They just keep giving me more and more to do here, and I keep saying yes. I have developed more professionally in the last year than I have the entire rest of my career. It’s stressful, and a lot of times I bring it home with me. I was hired as a Lead within one small group and I had fun just adjusting to THAT, then a few months ago, they made me a lead for the same area for the whole fucking project. This is an 8 BILLION Dollar project btw, utilizing a brand new nuclear power plant design that was just yesterday(?) finally after 8 years certified by the NRC. That’s the Nuclear Regulatory Commission for you non nukes out there. Think going from a functional process area of just one small team of the project, to the lead of the same functional process area of the whole fucking project. Sooo, ya, growing pains. They are dragging me kicking and screaming out of my hole.

I quite frequently hit my threshold on many days, but my horizons are constantly pushed such that my thresholds are always being expanded. Still tho, I hit my threshold and I get to my “I quit” point. I now have 6 guys working for me, looking to me for guidance. 5 of the guys are no big deal, but there’s that one that quite frankly taxes me daily to the point of I quit, by 9am. Still, I try to look at it as an opportunity rather than a hindrance. Opportunity to learn and get better at handling situations I have no fucking clue how to handle.

But, to recap, we’re in Wilmy now. Kids are in school, live in a great neighborhood with nice neighbors and kids our kids age, wife’s got a job, life is good right? All I really have to bitch about are what one of my wise beyond his young years coworkers refers to as “first world problems”.

Hope you guys are all doing great.

From WTF to I got this in 24

•June 7, 2013 • Leave a Comment

9 months we’ve been up here already.  Wow.  Wife’s good, she’s got a job teaching 4yr olds lined up for the fall, so that’s right up her alley.  Kids are good, they both adjusted well this school year at the new school and both did well enough to move up a grade for next year.  I’m doing good, been exercising and riding as much as I can.  Still not drinking.  Job’s goo, no wait.  Job’s not so good.

Had the “you’re fucking up and if you don’t get better then we’ll can your ass” talk with my boss yesterday.  Of course they put it a little more nicely than that.  It’s a “feedback” session where they sit you down and go over what you’re still doing wrong after 9 months of crazy schedule, too much work in too little time and not enough training to learn it effectively working there.  Then there’s the “you’re a senior engineer you should be doing better” bit they give you. And of course they’re right.  Now that I’ve stopped and thought about how I’m going to fix this, they’re absolutely right.  I haven’t been performing up to par on my work.  I should’ve already figured a way to learn my job the correct way, circumstances/piss poor shitty planning on the customers part and the management caving be damned. 

Yesterday was a rough day after having that session with my boss(technical lead) and the office manager.  Was full of a whole bunch of angst, anger, self pity, etc…yesterday.  But then I talked to my sponsor yesterday and had a nice little bitch session with him.  He suggested I treat this as a project, thus removing emotion from the equation, and come up with a plan to fix it.  Well, 24(hours) later and here we are.  Got a plan, know how I’m going to fix it, and let’s go.

Thank God I went and got a sponsor and started talking with him regularly.  It’s only been a couple months, but I can’t imagine going through this without the support of someone who know’s exactly what it’s like.  And the best news is?  I haven’t felt like drinking at all during this. 

Why Yes, I did fuck that up apparently

•March 10, 2013 • 4 Comments

Friend of mine got married over the weekend.  I was not invited. Seeing the pics on Facebook are bringing the pain.  This guy was in my wedding 13 yrs back as one of my groomsmen and we used to be pretty good friends.  I guess(no, I’m pretty sure, I just can’t remember exactly from being too drunk I spose) somewhere along the line I fucked up our friendship. Don’t know what exactly I did, but the results speak for themselves.  Haven’t spoken with him or hung out with him since the football season before I got sober, and did not receive an invite to the wedding.  I was already pretty sure he was going to be on the Step 8 list, as well as the step 9 follow through, now it’s confirmed.  Maybe someday I’ll share with him how hurt and sorry I am, but not today.  It’s not about me or my hurt feelings.  It’s about him and his chosen friends/family having a great time celebrating his wedding.

But damn it hurts.  So what’s the lesson here?  Ironically enough I couldn’t sleep last night (I don’t sleep well anymore at all) and I was up watching Warrior.  It’s got Nick Nolte as the estranged father with the two sons that don’t speak to each other and they end up fighting each other in a UFC type tournament.  I like the movie pretty well akshooly.  But I was up watching it reflecting on the bad relationships the father has with the sons, and how I’m so hard on my own son and I hope I don’t fuck that up either.  He’s only 5 so I’ve got plenty of time.  Then today in church(still hate church btw and have a hard time going but am trying to do right by the kids and wife) the preacher was talking about suffering and lessons.  What’s the lesson here?

Maybe this is a small snippet of what a bad relationship would be like.  Imagine this was your son man….not just a buddy from highschool you roomed with for a year in college and had in your wedding and oh btw got drunk at his house all the time during football season.  Imagine your son not wanting you to see his kids or be around at all.  Maybe that’s the lesson here.  Or your daughter too.  She’s 8.  Plenty of time still to fuck that up too.

And what about your wife?  Allllllllll the shit she’s put up with over the years?  What if she left and took the kids?  You’d have nothing.  You don’t have any friends.  You don’t keep up with anybody.  You don’t even want to visit family.  You’d rather be alone. This is what you’ve chosen.

You’ve know for awhile now via subtle hints your friend wasn’t really interested in having your around anymore.  This weekend was just the final nail in the coffin.  Hell, he even had your best man in his wedding too.  Unclear from facebook pics whether he was best man there too or just a groomsman.  And….you don’t keep up with him either.  you suck at friends. you know that?  you better not fuck up your family.  if you do, you will truly die miserable and alone.

A Calendar Year

•January 1, 2013 • 4 Comments

Huh.  Just realized I’ve been sober for a whole Calendar Year.  Jan 1 2012 to Dec 31 2012 I was sober….the entire year.  That hasn’t happened in a good old looong time.  It’s been hard at times, and easy at times, but it’s good.  Despite all my bitching.  Now, on top of it, I’m sitting at 16 months and change, but it’s a nice book end to wrap up an entire CY.  Hope you’re doing great.

Fuck it all and Fuck It

•December 20, 2012 • 2 Comments

this will be a rant.  if you don’t like profanity, then you should fuck off.

the last month and a half has sucked shit.  donkey balls.  big ones.  Just as stuff was starting to come together up here and we were getting into a routine, my wife has a spill and breaks her leg.  We were up on Stone Mtn, had taken the tram up and were going to hike down.  We were walking around the top checking things out when my son slipped and fell, then my wife slipped helping him.  He was fine.  She wasn’t.

So for the last 3 wks we’ve had family members staying with us, helping out, b/c my wife can’t even drive anywhere.  It’s her right leg that broke, right above the ankle.  Had to have a plate, screws, everything.  No it’s not her fault she fell, and I’m not blaming her, or my son, or anything, but it has sucked.  Mainly b/c this motherfucking self centered alcoholic has had to step up to the plate and not get to do things he’s wanted to do.  We lost a whole fucking month of going to State parks and checking out leaves changing colors.  Hiking, biking, exploring.  nope.  stuck at home.  sitting on our asses watching tv. My mom came to help, then my wife’s mother in law, then my wife’s niece, now just before christmas, we’re alone.  Now her uncle just passed from cancer and we’ll prolly have to blow our holiday plans to go to that.  fuck this self centered asshole just can’t catch a break.

on top of it, work has sucked donkey balls too.  I’m coming along, but to say we’ve been busy would be an understatement.  then the fucking dog got into something outside and got all tore up.  Couple hundred at the vet for that.  Then the fucking cat got into something outside and all tore up.  Nother few hundred for that.  When does it fucking end?  I want to crawl in a fucking hole and make the world go away. and I know exactly how I’d do it too.  and then sandy hook too on top of it all?  burn in hell motherfucker.  the past week I’ve just been looking at my kids and going through all the regular stuff with them and my family and I keep thinking of the parents that don’t get to do that anymore. where was fucking god then?  and don’t say he was with the fucking hero teacher that shielded her kids b/c I don’t want to believe that.  I’d rather be angry about it.

But I won’t drink.  God damnit.  Noooo, I had to go and get fucking sober for some stupid shit reason.  Turned over 16 months in the middle of all this shit.  Found a home group and am planning on regular meetings through all this shit.

I.amnot.handling.this.well.

and I feel like such a god damn failure because of it.  What, you can’t even step up to the plate for a little bit and take over some chores around the house b/c the wife is laid up?  couldn’t even make it 4 days after the help left before breaking down? pussy.

the only reason I’m still sober through all this shit is b/c of AA.  and getting off my ass and finding meetings up here.  I’ve felt myself slipping here lately.  going back to the old bad thoughts.  bad things man.  my homegroup has monday meetings in the evening.  I’ve been weighing whether I should go to the christmas eve one.  I’d like to, but feel bad about leaving the fam on christmas eve, of all nights, to go to a meeting.

one day at a time

keep coming back, it works if you work it

god, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

 
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