I have seen my End

•December 29, 2016 • 2 Comments

Soooo, I’m back in the states now from Germany.  Haven’t had a drink.  Yet.

Dad’s all set up in the Memory Care facility.  Been back to work since beginning of December, made it through Christmas, glad that’s over with.

Since getting back with Dad, been trying to see him at least middle of the week, then on the weekend.  That’s been fine.  It’s an adjustment, but it’s fine.  Now since it’s been Christmas break, been seeing him almost every day for the past week.

Normal thing is to go pick him up in the afternoon and have him over for dinner then a movie at the house and take him back to his apartment.

If you’ve never been to a “home”, lemme tell you, it’s God Damn depressing.  Men and women at the end of their life, wandering around aimlessly the hallways in their wheelchairs, all manner of physical and mental ailment.  This isn’t even a “home” per se’.  It’s a “Memory Care” facility.  These folks have mental in-capacities and some medical issues, but they don’t require 24/7 medical attention like at a Nursing Home.

Still tho….I’ve had my heart broken more in the last month than I don’t know when.  It’s not just being with my dad and trying to be grateful for the time I’ve been given, but it’s seeing all the others in the facility and how they are.  Between Dad fussing about how the food is horrible, or their’s nobody there he can relate to, or how he can’t even handle the simplest of cognition’s; and the little old lady in the wheelchair pulling herself down the hallway by her hamstrings asking you for help with something as you walk by that you’re unable to even understand much less do anything about.  It’s just heart breaking to see people in that condition.  Just take me out back and shoot me.  Put me out of both of our miseries.

If this is the end of life…..then what the fuck was the point of any of it?  All the work we do during our lives, the little bit of money we make, and then to end up with our mental and physical well being on the long slow decline.  fuck.

Makes me want to quit my job, sell all my shit, and just go live whatever notion of a dream I thought I had.  Nice little shanty on the side of a mountain somewhere.  (don’t forget about the internet and satellite tv tho)

People say it’s all about your attitude towards life.  That’s something I really struggle with.  I don’t know how to be positive about all this pain and suffering.  I was trying to remember to be grateful for 3 things everyday, but I’ve kind of wandered away from that now.  All life is, is one big drudgery of being tired and  moving on to the next task to complete.  Fuck, how did I get here?

But ya, if I end up anything like my dad, I have seen my end.


On Exhaustion, Strategery, and Guilt

•November 12, 2016 • Leave a Comment


I have not had a drink.  Yet.  5 Years Sober still.  5 Years 3 months to be exact.

I’m in another country right now.  My family and I live in Florida, USA.  I am currently in Germany with my Dad.  His German wife just passed away so I came over for the funeral and will now be assisting him closing out his affairs here and moving back to the states.  My wife is all by herself with the kids back in Florida.  This is a tough situation all around.  My dad is stressed out by the funeral, my visit, his impending travel, and his affairs here in Germany as well as new life in Florida close to me. My wife is stressed because of course as soon as I leave she gets sick, plus running around to everything without me to help with the kids, and stuff breaks, etc, etc….  I’m stressed because I’m here handling my elderly father’s affairs. Plus I’ve developed what feels like a head cold and don’t feel all that great myself.   His wife was bed ridden catatonic for years with Alzheimers, and my Dad has early onset Dementia.   He attempted suicide 3 years ago when things became too difficult.

On Exhaustion

So, all that said.  I’m fucking exhausted.  Been here a week. Jet Lag, Funeral, going through all Dad’s things to try to understand all his accounts be they financial, Military, Insurance, etc…Sitting around all day pouring over his bank statements piles of mail, dealing with the crappy ass internet in the village he lives in (he doesn’t have internet at his house, but his neighbor has graciously allowed me to use theirs)  Folks, lemme tell ya, I will find myself hard pressed to ever take 4G LTE mobile and 100Mbps home internet download speeds for granted ever again.

It’s not even anything physical.  It’s just a constant, nagging stress of fight or flight adrenaline to deal with everything.  Sure, I’ve got a plan and am working the plan, adjusting as needed.  But still, I’m definitely out of my comfort zone. I had a sponsor once give me some great advice on how to handle a situation, and that was to treat it like a Project, since that’s what I know.  Well, that’s what I’m doing.

I’m giving my Dad 50/50 to survive the stress of packing up 2 suitcases and getting on a plane back to Florida with me to his new home at a Memory Care facility.  Ya, I know that sounds awful.  Just trying to paint the picture.

On Strategery

Going through my Dad’s things, I am now aware of his financial situation.  Folks, my Dad has done very well for himself.  He makes more in retirement per month than a lot of people do working full time.  He’s got plenty saved, and with his monthly income from savings should be able to live out his days comfortably in the Memory Care facility 15 minutes from my house, leaving me (sole heir, only child by the way) very well set up when he passes, assuming his monthly retirement income does not change.  That money is going to fully fund my kids college, pay off my house, finally get to that magic 6 months expenses saved number, pay for a really nice family vacation, and then learn how to manage it and increase it exponentially.

On Guilt

I am here helping my Dad.  He would not be able to do this himself.  It is my privilege and responsibility to be here for him during this time.  <hold up, waitaminute>  ya sure, but what if his financial situation sucked?  How would you feel then?  I can honestly say I’m 90% sure I would still feel it is a privilege to help him through this time.  Knowing his financial situation and my benefit at the end of it definitely helps, but still there’s that little voice dangerously close to the front of my  thoughts whispering doubts and dismay.  Guilt of paying myself for my trip over here from an account he has setup for me to use for my expenses for his funeral when he passes.  <this is close enough right?>  Guilt of realizing how fortunate I am when so many people in the world are not.  Guilt of knowing I could rob him fucking blind.  I “could” rob him blind.  I will not. fuck you you little voice of doubt and dismay. Guilt of not doing anything about this for the last 3 years.  Guilt of staring it in the face and ignoring it.  Guilt of wishing he would die so I’d just have to bury him and not have to move him.  Prolly a bit of not having to watch him waste away for years either, but mainly just so this self centered alcoholic wouldn’t have to do as much work.  Which really doesn’t make sense.  Would still have to close down his house and cars here and do a funeral instead of setting up his new living.  Mainly tho, guilt of wishing he would die so it would be easier on me.  fuck I hate that.


I like to think there’s a lesson in every situation.  Something to learn.  I saw something neat on FB a while back along the lines of the things we wish God would change for us are the things God is using to change US.  dunno the validity of the quote author, but I like the quote.


"The circumstances we ask God to change are often the circumstances God is using to change us." ~Max Lucado:


All indications point to making it

•July 18, 2016 • 2 Comments

When I was a wee young lad….say in my teens, I thought I’d be dead before making 40.  5 years ago, that was a pretty safe bet.  August will make 5 years since I’ve had a drink.

This weekend will make 40 trips around the Sun.  Damn.  Just, damn.  I am that grumpy old man I never thought I’d be.

Every once in awhile I get to thinking I could start drinking again.  But I don’t.  Because when I start thinking that I think of having 10 or 12 instead of 1 or 2.  Pretty safe bet I shouldn’t if that’s what I’m thinking.  Haven’t been to a meeting in awhile.  I need to go to a meeting.  The edge is coming back.

So ya, all indications point to making 40.  I need to do some work in other areas to keep from slipping.

If you’re reading this, I don’t care if you’re white or black or gay or straight.  I hope you have a great day, and blessings on you.  ALL LIVES MATTER.

#keepcomingback #itworksifyouworkit


Mid Life Crisis

•January 12, 2016 • 1 Comment

I’m going to be 40 this year.  ‘s good a time as any to have a mid life crisis.  No, I don’t want a sports car.  No, I don’t want a newer model wife.  No, I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

I am so fucking lost.  Still sober.  Just…lost.

don’t feel guilty if at 22 you don’t know what you want to do with your life….some of the most interesting 40 yrs old’s I know still don’t.

This is what I know : I’ve got 25 more years before retirement.  I can’t imagine doing what I’m doing now for the next 25 years.  I don’t know what else I would do.  I don’t feel like I’m doing what I’d like to be doing.  I don’t know what I would like to be doing.  I don’t want to retire and not be able to enjoy it like either one of my parents.  I’m afraid life is pointless.  I’m afraid there is no God, or at least nothing like any religion imagines one to be. I’m not happy.  I don’t know how to be happy.  I’m afraid I’ll never be happy. I’m afraid I’m wasting my life in a fucking cube farm.

I don’t know how to resolve any of the above so I just go about my daily life.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

I dunno.  maybe I’m just a whiny little bitch.  I’ve got a great life.  Great Wife. Great kids.  Great job.  Great salary.  Everybody’s healthy.  etc, etc, etc…..there are people with less who are happier.  why can’t I be?  maybe I should just have less? There’s definitely a certain naive romanticism to just living in a cabin in the middle of the woods completely off the grid and away from society.  I said naive, right?

Do I know how to hunt? no.  Do I know how to farm?  no.  Do I know how to fish?  no.  k, so how bout a nice rustic cabin with 4G, hi speed internet, electric, endless supply of food, etc…?  ya, that’d be nice.

but trust me, on the Sunscreen.




Losing My Virginity

•November 8, 2015 • 1 Comment

4yrs 3 months’ish sober now.  51 months.

I wonder what the reason will be when I pick up another drink.  Let’s be honest, it’s not a matter of if.  Just a matter of when.  What’s the reason gonna be for me to pop my cherry and have another drink?

Some major life event like a family member falling seriously ill or dying?  Loss of job?  Divorce? Letting the daily grind win and just finally throwing up my hands and saying to fuck with it?

When I was in highschool we lived in Germany for awhile.  Ramstein AFB.  1989-1992.  Middle of 8th grade to end of 10th grade.  Fanfreakintastic experience overall.  While I was there I got involved in a Church Youth Group called Choices.  Great group.  God Bless the folks that ran that group.  Anyway, the group took a retreat trip once with another youth group and I ended up meeting some other kids, had some deep discussions, got into a little trouble, yada yada yada.

Ironically enough the reason I left was my parents divorced, and I’ve quite convinced myself since that there is no god.  Oh sure, billions of people all over the world have got it all wrong and I’m the only one in my right mind. <rolls eyes>

Please if you’re out there.  Help me believe again.


Dorky kid in the back middle, black jacket with yellow’ish strip.  Yup.  Yours truly.

At the end we all signed each other’s bibles like signing your yearbook.  There was a priest that was there and lead the retreat.  One of the discussions we had was on the topic of premarital sex.  At the time I was a virgin.  One of the signatures I got in my bible was along the lines of “don’t ever give away what you can never get back unless it’s right by you”  Like don’t give it up unless its on your terms.

Interestingly enough (maybe only to me), is the parallel between that and picking up the next drink. When I take that next drink and give up my sobriety, what’s going to be the reason?  Is it going to be alright by me?  Or am I just going to give up and say to fuck with it?

Oh I spose I could hold on to it just to spite whatever the reason is.  Kinda like “Fuck You, I’ll be damned if I waste my sobriety on you”  End of the day tho, I’ll either be all like “sure let’s drink again no big deal”, or “fuck it all and fuck it I give up”, or I’ll be so beat down I’ll waste my sobriety on whatever it was that was bugging me.


Oh hey by the way….

•September 6, 2015 • Leave a Comment

August 16 2015 I turned over 4 YEARS Sober.

1,460 consecutive days of not drinking Alcohol. I was so excited about it I forgot to post it, even tho it’s so easy a caveman could’ve right?  Why you’re right, that IS sarcasm.

As of this writing I’m at 1481’ish.  One more day, one more knotch.

it’s just routine now.  I just don’t drink.  My body and psyche has been retrained to not deal with stress by going to the bottle.

“…I don’t cry, when my dog runs away, I don’t get angry at the bills I have to pay.  I don’t get angry when my mom smokes pot, hits the bottle and goes right to the rock…”

One day at a time man.  If it gets too bad, go get more help than what you can stand doing it by yourself.  I had to go back to a few meetings last christmas and even half started back with a sponsor, but I’ve let it slip.

I started going to meetings for a bit with someone from work.  They’re not an alcoholic, but are going through a fairly gnarly divorce with one.It helps me to help others.

Anyway, hope you guys are all doing great.  Luv-in is what I got.


•July 11, 2015 • Leave a Comment


You ever wonder if God is patiently waiting for you to take your blinders off?  The Bible teaches us of a kind and loving God ever waiting for his children to come back home (if you believe a book written 2000 years ago by a bunch of guys who thought the Earth was flat and the center of the universe; spose you’ve got to leave the Old Testament out of it too)

But what if man?  What IF?  Sure, go ahead and sin and not believe.  When you finally do believe and repent, I’ll welcome you home.  Oh hey, by the way, all those times your friends or your family or your preacher lent you a helping hand?

That was me brah.

That was me through them, you’ll just have to believe me and trust you can’t fathom the reasons for why things are the way they are.  You’ll just have to believe.  F that man.  Not happenin.  Not in my DNA.  If you were such a great fucking creator, you’d have made the easy button of understanding for those that wanted it.

I did brah.  I did.  You just don’t use it.

And to top it off brah….I was speaking to you directly through them.  In a way only you would understand.  All those instances of 19 in your life once that was what you latched on to?  Right again brah.

I was working in your life in ways you didn’t even know or appreciate.  Even when you didn’t believe. Even now while you’re on the fence.  Right now I’m talking to others through their friends and family in ways that only they’ll understand.  Brah, just chill.




I don’t know man.  I just don’t know.  I’ll just keep looking for 19 I guess.

Thank You Lord for the opportunity(ies) to continue to learn Patience.


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