Still Sober, well dry anyway

•February 9, 2015 • Leave a Comment

One other quick note….Feb 9 2015…..still haven’t had a drink since August 2012.

Tho I don’t recommend it, I’m still not regularly going to meetings or have a sponsor.  I went to a couple over Christmas because it was getting to me, but not really since.

The pain I carry I have chosen to I spose, since I won’t pull my head out and am one of those that “can not or will not follow this simple program”

My advice to you is go to meetings, get a sponsor, and work the steps.  Show up, Shut up, Listen Up.

TTFN

Way Too Deep (or….you think too much)

•February 9, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I’ve been meaning to put these thoughts down for awhile now.  I’m very much a visual person and I have to see a picture either in front of me or in my head to understand a thing.

So, here goes : There’s either a God or there isn’t.  And we’ll go ahead and assume God in the simplest Christian sense.  We won’t delve into some other divine creator that’s not the Christian God of creation.

God(Yes)

– Created the Universe, didn’t see fit to explain it to us

– Science as we know it is wrong.  Meh, on 2nd thought, not really wrong, just not at a point where it can definitively prove or disprove a God.

– Made a Heaven for the Good Believers and a Hell for the Sinners

– Created the Christian Bible through Divine Intervention(?)/Inspiration(?) for Man to have as the cook book for how to live [note for simplicity sake we’ll just take the case of Christianity and not worry about Islam or other Religions]

– Jesus was real and performed miracles

God(No)

– Something else we don’t understand created the Universe

– Science as we know it is right.  Meh, see comment above.

– No Heaven or Hell as we think of it

– Bible is just a bunch of words written by people who thought the Earth was flat and the center of the Universe.  Dinosaurs?  meh.  Neanderthals?  pfffttt.

– Jesus was just a man and descriptions of his actions grew with the telling over the ages.  Or they were just accepted as truth by an uneducated populace and became part of the culture that was flowed down.

Either way, I WANT there to be a God, and a point to this life.  I struggle with the why of life and the things the Bible doesn’t cover so much that I don’t even really know what I believe anymore, besides I believe I’ll never have an answer to my questions.  I WANT there to be a valid reason there’s Billions of other Galaxies in the Universe, let alone millions of supposedly statistically speaking habitable planets just in our own.

At a minimum, a Church family is a collection of Good People and friends that will do good things to help their friends and the community.  Why can’t I just go to church, enjoy time with my family, and leave it that?  Why can’t I get over the hump of hating the waste of time I see all the singing and praying as? [y’know….you liked church the most when you went ahead and made friends and did some service….why don’t you quit yer bitchin and start that up again?  hhmmm?)

So, what has all this bitching done for me?  IDK.  Has it solved any of my questions?  No.  Has it made me feel a little better getting it out of my head and on paper(reallly?  how quaint.  We’re bloggin here y’know.  E-Filin) Yes

Like I said, Way Too Deep.

Only if you let it

•September 18, 2014 • Leave a Comment

man it’s a lot harder to actually do this than it is to say it…..but it’s true.

A lot of things in life will only bug you if you let them. Kinda falls under that old line of Life is really only 10% of what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.

Which is a nice way of framing it I spose. If you’re so inclined. I had a sponsor in Georgia, great guy, cool name. Raz. Used to get on me about stuff, and how about everything comes down to how I choose to react to it. I can let things bug me, or I can deal with them and let them roll off my back.

Overall I think I’ve gotten better at things, but of course I’ve still got my buttons or triggers. I spose everyone does. Luckily there’s not much anymore that triggers me to want to drink, well, that’s a lie. I would still love to be able to drink, but I’m smart(?) enough to know better….maybe experienced enough(?)….or maybe I’ve simply reached an acceptance. Despite not going to meetings anymore, or not having a sponsor anymore, or not working the AA steps anymore. Lucky so far. Anybody who’s ever started drinking again has been somebody who left the rooms.

I haven’t hit that. Yet. There’s always the “yet”

YETI YETI YETI YETI!!!

YETI YETI YETI YETI YETI!!!!

Gold star for you if you can guess what that’s from

Back to Raz. Reason he’s not my sponsor anymore is because of me. He recommended I get another home group here in Wilmy, and a local sponsor. I have failed on both accounts, and it’s all me. I also quit calling him, basically I dropped him. I know I could call him up today and it would be fine.

But srsly, back to choosing…..’nother thing Raz used to tell me is there’s nothing he could say to me to make me not want to drink again. It’s all my choice. It only bugs me if I let it. It’s my choice how I handle it.

Drinking. Annoying Coworkers. free ride when you’ve already paid. good advice you just can’t take….=)

Follow up to “I quit”

•September 18, 2014 • 2 Comments

Really, what does that mean? What would I be “quitting”?

My job I currently have that I accepted all the responsibility for? Nope, can’t do that.  How else am I gonna bankroll the extravagant lifestyle we lead?

My drinking?  Nope, can’t do that.  There’s no fucking way I could handle this job if I was drinking. My performance is light years away from where it used to be when I was drinking.  I would not be able to handle the sponstilities of this job coming in hungover with the alcohol shits every day like I used to.  Wouldn’t be able to handle the family life either.  Kids after school activiities, kids homework, quality family time in the evenings…..

My life?  ya, no let’s not go there.  Haven’t taken a nose dive that deep in a good ol’ long while so let’s not even look down that road.

Really, I think me saying “I quit” is just another way for me to whine about the blessings and challenges I have to deal with.  I hate quitting, not rising to a challenge.  But, I’ll whine about it a lot along the way too. If I was still drinking, I would’ve prolly quit all those items listed above, so maybe it’s just a hangover from my hangover days.  A remnant of who I used to be as well as that monkey that’s always lingering in the corner in the back of the room.  Just waiting to be fed.

Maybe I should just quit my whining?

I quit….aaaand a lot of other stuff.

•September 17, 2014 • 4 Comments

First off, still not drinking so I’ve got that going for me, which is nice. Can’t really claim sober because I’m not working at anything or going to meetings or have a sponsor so there’s that.

But, I DID turn over 3 yrs dry in August. Yay. Fucking. Me. Why yes I’m still resentful about a lot of shit because I haven’t done any work to resolve it. hee hee.

Soooo, update from over a year ago then: Last post was June 2013. I was in Atlanta with the fam, wife was recovered from her broken leg, kids were doing fine in school, and my job in Atlanta sucked donkey balls. I had received the “talk” at work and was put on a Performance Improvement Plan, which really, looking back on it, I needed. But, it was the catalyst for me looking for another job, which I got.

We’re now in Wilmington and have been here since September 2013. A year here is sooooo much better than a year in Atlanta was. Holy shit fire batman. They just keep giving me more and more to do here, and I keep saying yes. I have developed more professionally in the last year than I have the entire rest of my career. It’s stressful, and a lot of times I bring it home with me. I was hired as a Lead within one small group and I had fun just adjusting to THAT, then a few months ago, they made me a lead for the same area for the whole fucking project. This is an 8 BILLION Dollar project btw, utilizing a brand new nuclear power plant design that was just yesterday(?) finally after 8 years certified by the NRC. That’s the Nuclear Regulatory Commission for you non nukes out there. Think going from a functional process area of just one small team of the project, to the lead of the same functional process area of the whole fucking project. Sooo, ya, growing pains. They are dragging me kicking and screaming out of my hole.

I quite frequently hit my threshold on many days, but my horizons are constantly pushed such that my thresholds are always being expanded. Still tho, I hit my threshold and I get to my “I quit” point. I now have 6 guys working for me, looking to me for guidance. 5 of the guys are no big deal, but there’s that one that quite frankly taxes me daily to the point of I quit, by 9am. Still, I try to look at it as an opportunity rather than a hindrance. Opportunity to learn and get better at handling situations I have no fucking clue how to handle.

But, to recap, we’re in Wilmy now. Kids are in school, live in a great neighborhood with nice neighbors and kids our kids age, wife’s got a job, life is good right? All I really have to bitch about are what one of my wise beyond his young years coworkers refers to as “first world problems”.

Hope you guys are all doing great.

From WTF to I got this in 24

•June 7, 2013 • Leave a Comment

9 months we’ve been up here already.  Wow.  Wife’s good, she’s got a job teaching 4yr olds lined up for the fall, so that’s right up her alley.  Kids are good, they both adjusted well this school year at the new school and both did well enough to move up a grade for next year.  I’m doing good, been exercising and riding as much as I can.  Still not drinking.  Job’s goo, no wait.  Job’s not so good.

Had the “you’re fucking up and if you don’t get better then we’ll can your ass” talk with my boss yesterday.  Of course they put it a little more nicely than that.  It’s a “feedback” session where they sit you down and go over what you’re still doing wrong after 9 months of crazy schedule, too much work in too little time and not enough training to learn it effectively working there.  Then there’s the “you’re a senior engineer you should be doing better” bit they give you. And of course they’re right.  Now that I’ve stopped and thought about how I’m going to fix this, they’re absolutely right.  I haven’t been performing up to par on my work.  I should’ve already figured a way to learn my job the correct way, circumstances/piss poor shitty planning on the customers part and the management caving be damned. 

Yesterday was a rough day after having that session with my boss(technical lead) and the office manager.  Was full of a whole bunch of angst, anger, self pity, etc…yesterday.  But then I talked to my sponsor yesterday and had a nice little bitch session with him.  He suggested I treat this as a project, thus removing emotion from the equation, and come up with a plan to fix it.  Well, 24(hours) later and here we are.  Got a plan, know how I’m going to fix it, and let’s go.

Thank God I went and got a sponsor and started talking with him regularly.  It’s only been a couple months, but I can’t imagine going through this without the support of someone who know’s exactly what it’s like.  And the best news is?  I haven’t felt like drinking at all during this. 

Why Yes, I did fuck that up apparently

•March 10, 2013 • 4 Comments

Friend of mine got married over the weekend.  I was not invited. Seeing the pics on Facebook are bringing the pain.  This guy was in my wedding 13 yrs back as one of my groomsmen and we used to be pretty good friends.  I guess(no, I’m pretty sure, I just can’t remember exactly from being too drunk I spose) somewhere along the line I fucked up our friendship. Don’t know what exactly I did, but the results speak for themselves.  Haven’t spoken with him or hung out with him since the football season before I got sober, and did not receive an invite to the wedding.  I was already pretty sure he was going to be on the Step 8 list, as well as the step 9 follow through, now it’s confirmed.  Maybe someday I’ll share with him how hurt and sorry I am, but not today.  It’s not about me or my hurt feelings.  It’s about him and his chosen friends/family having a great time celebrating his wedding.

But damn it hurts.  So what’s the lesson here?  Ironically enough I couldn’t sleep last night (I don’t sleep well anymore at all) and I was up watching Warrior.  It’s got Nick Nolte as the estranged father with the two sons that don’t speak to each other and they end up fighting each other in a UFC type tournament.  I like the movie pretty well akshooly.  But I was up watching it reflecting on the bad relationships the father has with the sons, and how I’m so hard on my own son and I hope I don’t fuck that up either.  He’s only 5 so I’ve got plenty of time.  Then today in church(still hate church btw and have a hard time going but am trying to do right by the kids and wife) the preacher was talking about suffering and lessons.  What’s the lesson here?

Maybe this is a small snippet of what a bad relationship would be like.  Imagine this was your son man….not just a buddy from highschool you roomed with for a year in college and had in your wedding and oh btw got drunk at his house all the time during football season.  Imagine your son not wanting you to see his kids or be around at all.  Maybe that’s the lesson here.  Or your daughter too.  She’s 8.  Plenty of time still to fuck that up too.

And what about your wife?  Allllllllll the shit she’s put up with over the years?  What if she left and took the kids?  You’d have nothing.  You don’t have any friends.  You don’t keep up with anybody.  You don’t even want to visit family.  You’d rather be alone. This is what you’ve chosen.

You’ve know for awhile now via subtle hints your friend wasn’t really interested in having your around anymore.  This weekend was just the final nail in the coffin.  Hell, he even had your best man in his wedding too.  Unclear from facebook pics whether he was best man there too or just a groomsman.  And….you don’t keep up with him either.  you suck at friends. you know that?  you better not fuck up your family.  if you do, you will truly die miserable and alone.

 
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