6 Years!

•August 16, 2017 • 1 Comment

just a quick note to anybody listening…..today Aug 16 2017 marks my 6th year of sobriety. One day at a time ya’ll.

On the Pointlessness of Life

•June 22, 2017 • Leave a Comment

Position : Life is Pointless (or we’re at least so far off from understanding it, it may as well be). Your life, however, is not.

A recurring theme for me lately has been the pointlessness of life. Of course, this is all borne from a longstanding bout with depression and alcoholism, but recently magnified as can be seen by posts lately about caring for Dad. Every time I see him, I am reminded of my opinion on the pointlessness of life. Do a little Dance, make a little Love, end up in a facility all used up and dementia ridden waiting to die at the end of it.

I really want to include uselessness in there too, but I spose within the construct of life itself, a life is not useless, it’s just to me that life itself is pointless.

Because life exists, lives have meaning. What you do in your life has impacts to those around you in your life and to some extent the rest of the lives in existence. But, (I know I’m beating a dead horse here but stay with me) according to a bunch of goat herders from 2000 years ago who thought the Earth was the center of the Universe and created a bunch of writings now coalesced into something called a Bible, there’s an all loving God whose point of life for us is to love one another and love him because he got bored once and decided to create us and the universe, knowing we would disobey him and knowing he’d kill his son (himself) in order to forgive our transgressions against him.

/*
Clarification Eins : I don’t have a problem with the message of Love the Bible professes. Forgiveness, love, respect….all fucking awesome. I just can’t make the theological leap.

Clarification Part Deaux : I’ve got a pretty God Damned good life by all accounts. I am very fortunate to have a good paying career, awesomefanfuckingtastic wife and kids, house, cars, dog, cat, fish, family yada yada yada. Coming home to my family everyday is the best part of.every.damn.day. Still, too often I let myself slide into this pit of despair.
*/

But what about life? Why the Fuck does Life exist? I spose you can glean I am unsatisfied with the Biblical reasoning. I will, however, go ahead and subscribe to Intelligent Design. I believe "something" started all this with a specific construct in mind based on our ever widening understanding of the design of the make up of things, but I don’t think anybody has it right. Not Christianity, not Islam, not Buddhism, not any of the other plethora of beliefs the dominant species on this Pale Blue Dot floating through an unremarkable corner of the Universe has come up with. Easily 100,000,000,000 Stars in 1 average galaxy, call it the Milky Way. Easily 100,000,000,000 Galaxies in the Universe. Even assuming only 1 planet with life in one Galaxy, which seems absurdly low, we still get 100,000,000,000 planets in the Universe with Life. Hey Snowflake, Tyeler Durden sez : YOU ARE NOT UNIQUE. But, all this realization does, is make me more depressed because it’s proof in my mind that every belief on Earth IS wrong because they all point to a creator that made ONLY us. Further, with that realization, there’s then the void of well then WhatdaFuq is the point of all this?

By the way, my favorite joke recently is : You Matter, unless you multiply yourself by the Speed of Light squared; then you Energy. That’s E=mc^2 for those of you scratching your head.

So, where does that leave us? Let it go, Let it go….and just accept you live, so make an impact to those around you and don’t get so fucking down about the daily drudgery…..the monotony never bothered me anyway. (no not really but now hopefully you’ve got the song stuck in your head. pbbbttttt!)

I have seen my End

•December 29, 2016 • 2 Comments

Soooo, I’m back in the states now from Germany.  Haven’t had a drink.  Yet.

Dad’s all set up in the Memory Care facility.  Been back to work since beginning of December, made it through Christmas, glad that’s over with.

Since getting back with Dad, been trying to see him at least middle of the week, then on the weekend.  That’s been fine.  It’s an adjustment, but it’s fine.  Now since it’s been Christmas break, been seeing him almost every day for the past week.

Normal thing is to go pick him up in the afternoon and have him over for dinner then a movie at the house and take him back to his apartment.

If you’ve never been to a “home”, lemme tell you, it’s God Damn depressing.  Men and women at the end of their life, wandering around aimlessly the hallways in their wheelchairs, all manner of physical and mental ailment.  This isn’t even a “home” per se’.  It’s a “Memory Care” facility.  These folks have mental in-capacities and some medical issues, but they don’t require 24/7 medical attention like at a Nursing Home.

Still tho….I’ve had my heart broken more in the last month than I don’t know when.  It’s not just being with my dad and trying to be grateful for the time I’ve been given, but it’s seeing all the others in the facility and how they are.  Between Dad fussing about how the food is horrible, or their’s nobody there he can relate to, or how he can’t even handle the simplest of cognition’s; and the little old lady in the wheelchair pulling herself down the hallway by her hamstrings asking you for help with something as you walk by that you’re unable to even understand much less do anything about.  It’s just heart breaking to see people in that condition.  Just take me out back and shoot me.  Put me out of both of our miseries.

If this is the end of life…..then what the fuck was the point of any of it?  All the work we do during our lives, the little bit of money we make, and then to end up with our mental and physical well being on the long slow decline.  fuck.

Makes me want to quit my job, sell all my shit, and just go live whatever notion of a dream I thought I had.  Nice little shanty on the side of a mountain somewhere.  (don’t forget about the internet and satellite tv tho)

People say it’s all about your attitude towards life.  That’s something I really struggle with.  I don’t know how to be positive about all this pain and suffering.  I was trying to remember to be grateful for 3 things everyday, but I’ve kind of wandered away from that now.  All life is, is one big drudgery of being tired and  moving on to the next task to complete.  Fuck, how did I get here?

But ya, if I end up anything like my dad, I have seen my end.

 

On Exhaustion, Strategery, and Guilt

•November 12, 2016 • Leave a Comment

Prelude

I have not had a drink.  Yet.  5 Years Sober still.  5 Years 3 months to be exact.

I’m in another country right now.  My family and I live in Florida, USA.  I am currently in Germany with my Dad.  His German wife just passed away so I came over for the funeral and will now be assisting him closing out his affairs here and moving back to the states.  My wife is all by herself with the kids back in Florida.  This is a tough situation all around.  My dad is stressed out by the funeral, my visit, his impending travel, and his affairs here in Germany as well as new life in Florida close to me. My wife is stressed because of course as soon as I leave she gets sick, plus running around to everything without me to help with the kids, and stuff breaks, etc, etc….  I’m stressed because I’m here handling my elderly father’s affairs. Plus I’ve developed what feels like a head cold and don’t feel all that great myself.   His wife was bed ridden catatonic for years with Alzheimers, and my Dad has early onset Dementia.   He attempted suicide 3 years ago when things became too difficult.

On Exhaustion

So, all that said.  I’m fucking exhausted.  Been here a week. Jet Lag, Funeral, going through all Dad’s things to try to understand all his accounts be they financial, Military, Insurance, etc…Sitting around all day pouring over his bank statements piles of mail, dealing with the crappy ass internet in the village he lives in (he doesn’t have internet at his house, but his neighbor has graciously allowed me to use theirs)  Folks, lemme tell ya, I will find myself hard pressed to ever take 4G LTE mobile and 100Mbps home internet download speeds for granted ever again.

It’s not even anything physical.  It’s just a constant, nagging stress of fight or flight adrenaline to deal with everything.  Sure, I’ve got a plan and am working the plan, adjusting as needed.  But still, I’m definitely out of my comfort zone. I had a sponsor once give me some great advice on how to handle a situation, and that was to treat it like a Project, since that’s what I know.  Well, that’s what I’m doing.

I’m giving my Dad 50/50 to survive the stress of packing up 2 suitcases and getting on a plane back to Florida with me to his new home at a Memory Care facility.  Ya, I know that sounds awful.  Just trying to paint the picture.

On Strategery

Going through my Dad’s things, I am now aware of his financial situation.  Folks, my Dad has done very well for himself.  He makes more in retirement per month than a lot of people do working full time.  He’s got plenty saved, and with his monthly income from savings should be able to live out his days comfortably in the Memory Care facility 15 minutes from my house, leaving me (sole heir, only child by the way) very well set up when he passes, assuming his monthly retirement income does not change.  That money is going to fully fund my kids college, pay off my house, finally get to that magic 6 months expenses saved number, pay for a really nice family vacation, and then learn how to manage it and increase it exponentially.

On Guilt

I am here helping my Dad.  He would not be able to do this himself.  It is my privilege and responsibility to be here for him during this time.  <hold up, waitaminute>  ya sure, but what if his financial situation sucked?  How would you feel then?  I can honestly say I’m 90% sure I would still feel it is a privilege to help him through this time.  Knowing his financial situation and my benefit at the end of it definitely helps, but still there’s that little voice dangerously close to the front of my  thoughts whispering doubts and dismay.  Guilt of paying myself for my trip over here from an account he has setup for me to use for my expenses for his funeral when he passes.  <this is close enough right?>  Guilt of realizing how fortunate I am when so many people in the world are not.  Guilt of knowing I could rob him fucking blind.  I “could” rob him blind.  I will not. fuck you you little voice of doubt and dismay. Guilt of not doing anything about this for the last 3 years.  Guilt of staring it in the face and ignoring it.  Guilt of wishing he would die so I’d just have to bury him and not have to move him.  Prolly a bit of not having to watch him waste away for years either, but mainly just so this self centered alcoholic wouldn’t have to do as much work.  Which really doesn’t make sense.  Would still have to close down his house and cars here and do a funeral instead of setting up his new living.  Mainly tho, guilt of wishing he would die so it would be easier on me.  fuck I hate that.

Conclusion

I like to think there’s a lesson in every situation.  Something to learn.  I saw something neat on FB a while back along the lines of the things we wish God would change for us are the things God is using to change US.  dunno the validity of the quote author, but I like the quote.

TTFN

"The circumstances we ask God to change are often the circumstances God is using to change us." ~Max Lucado:

 

All indications point to making it

•July 18, 2016 • 2 Comments

When I was a wee young lad….say in my teens, I thought I’d be dead before making 40.  5 years ago, that was a pretty safe bet.  August will make 5 years since I’ve had a drink.

This weekend will make 40 trips around the Sun.  Damn.  Just, damn.  I am that grumpy old man I never thought I’d be.

Every once in awhile I get to thinking I could start drinking again.  But I don’t.  Because when I start thinking that I think of having 10 or 12 instead of 1 or 2.  Pretty safe bet I shouldn’t if that’s what I’m thinking.  Haven’t been to a meeting in awhile.  I need to go to a meeting.  The edge is coming back.

So ya, all indications point to making 40.  I need to do some work in other areas to keep from slipping.

If you’re reading this, I don’t care if you’re white or black or gay or straight.  I hope you have a great day, and blessings on you.  ALL LIVES MATTER.

#keepcomingback #itworksifyouworkit

 

Mid Life Crisis

•January 12, 2016 • 1 Comment

I’m going to be 40 this year.  ‘s good a time as any to have a mid life crisis.  No, I don’t want a sports car.  No, I don’t want a newer model wife.  No, I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

I am so fucking lost.  Still sober.  Just…lost.

don’t feel guilty if at 22 you don’t know what you want to do with your life….some of the most interesting 40 yrs old’s I know still don’t.

This is what I know : I’ve got 25 more years before retirement.  I can’t imagine doing what I’m doing now for the next 25 years.  I don’t know what else I would do.  I don’t feel like I’m doing what I’d like to be doing.  I don’t know what I would like to be doing.  I don’t want to retire and not be able to enjoy it like either one of my parents.  I’m afraid life is pointless.  I’m afraid there is no God, or at least nothing like any religion imagines one to be. I’m not happy.  I don’t know how to be happy.  I’m afraid I’ll never be happy. I’m afraid I’m wasting my life in a fucking cube farm.

I don’t know how to resolve any of the above so I just go about my daily life.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

I dunno.  maybe I’m just a whiny little bitch.  I’ve got a great life.  Great Wife. Great kids.  Great job.  Great salary.  Everybody’s healthy.  etc, etc, etc…..there are people with less who are happier.  why can’t I be?  maybe I should just have less? There’s definitely a certain naive romanticism to just living in a cabin in the middle of the woods completely off the grid and away from society.  I said naive, right?

Do I know how to hunt? no.  Do I know how to farm?  no.  Do I know how to fish?  no.  k, so how bout a nice rustic cabin with 4G, hi speed internet, electric, endless supply of food, etc…?  ya, that’d be nice.

but trust me, on the Sunscreen.

 

 

 

Losing My Virginity

•November 8, 2015 • 1 Comment

4yrs 3 months’ish sober now.  51 months.

I wonder what the reason will be when I pick up another drink.  Let’s be honest, it’s not a matter of if.  Just a matter of when.  What’s the reason gonna be for me to pop my cherry and have another drink?

Some major life event like a family member falling seriously ill or dying?  Loss of job?  Divorce? Letting the daily grind win and just finally throwing up my hands and saying to fuck with it?

When I was in highschool we lived in Germany for awhile.  Ramstein AFB.  1989-1992.  Middle of 8th grade to end of 10th grade.  Fanfreakintastic experience overall.  While I was there I got involved in a Church Youth Group called Choices.  Great group.  God Bless the folks that ran that group.  Anyway, the group took a retreat trip once with another youth group and I ended up meeting some other kids, had some deep discussions, got into a little trouble, yada yada yada.

Ironically enough the reason I left was my parents divorced, and I’ve quite convinced myself since that there is no god.  Oh sure, billions of people all over the world have got it all wrong and I’m the only one in my right mind. <rolls eyes>

Please if you’re out there.  Help me believe again.

10398387_100465506631249_2045534_n

Dorky kid in the back middle, black jacket with yellow’ish strip.  Yup.  Yours truly.

At the end we all signed each other’s bibles like signing your yearbook.  There was a priest that was there and lead the retreat.  One of the discussions we had was on the topic of premarital sex.  At the time I was a virgin.  One of the signatures I got in my bible was along the lines of “don’t ever give away what you can never get back unless it’s right by you”  Like don’t give it up unless its on your terms.

Interestingly enough (maybe only to me), is the parallel between that and picking up the next drink. When I take that next drink and give up my sobriety, what’s going to be the reason?  Is it going to be alright by me?  Or am I just going to give up and say to fuck with it?

Oh I spose I could hold on to it just to spite whatever the reason is.  Kinda like “Fuck You, I’ll be damned if I waste my sobriety on you”  End of the day tho, I’ll either be all like “sure let’s drink again no big deal”, or “fuck it all and fuck it I give up”, or I’ll be so beat down I’ll waste my sobriety on whatever it was that was bugging me.

losing

 
%d bloggers like this: