The Parts of Us

•April 1, 2019 • Leave a Comment

So, I’ve been going to therapy since my Dad passed away. Did I mention my dad passed away? Been almost two months now. Nice lady, I enjoy talking to her. Last time we talked, the conversation turned towards the different “parts” of us….as in who’s driving based on our mood.

Of course the conversation then turned towards the Disney Pixar movie Inside Out, then a darker turn towards Disassociate Identity Disorder. Y’know….multiple personalities, except in that context there’s gaps in memory because they don’t talk to each other and don’t know of each other(?) No worries…..mine talk to each other just fine.

Well, that got me to thinking “what are my parts?”. From the list below, there’s a fair few (and I could prolly keep noodling and keep adding).
My Parts

The Doubter

There’s an evil voice in my head dangerously close to the front of my thoughts that keeps telling me I won’t be able to do it. This guy’s been prominent ever since college and banging my head against the wall through engineering school.

The Sarcastic

If anything I would say this guy is driving most times, or at least on call for first response to whatever situation presents itself.

Joy…..soooo small and neglected

Poor Joy, so little attention paid to him. So neglected, so difficult to find.

The Hoper

…..don’t give up on me. I WANT there to be a God, I WANT there to be a point to all of this, I WANT to believe my family and I will live happily every after.

The Fearful

Of wasting away in a cubicle

Of not being able to enjoy life either by time or health or ability or apocalypse

Of never being happy.

The Aloof (watcher?)

Y’know….<some random thought I say to myself>

The Analyst

Life is meaningless

There is no god

I can’t enjoy things because I analyze, figure out how they work, then the magic is gone.

The Addict

Just waitin to get turned back on man. 8 years sober this August? Nah, never gonna happen man.

The monkey’s always sittin there in the corner waiting to jump back on your back

The Do’er

In stark contrast to my wife’s Dreamer. Dreamer says “let’s do this!”, Do’er sez….nope that won’t work, OR, Do’er sez ok this is how we’ll do that.

The Dreamer

Like Joy, neglected and marginalized

There’s rarely any wonder anymore

The Numb

K, I’ll be honest, unless I’m specifically concentrating on something this guy is most likely driving. Just going thru the steps, not every really engaged.

So what’s that, 11? ….and note the order. This list is in the order I thought of them. #whatdoesitmean?!?!

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Some Days….

•December 19, 2018 • Leave a Comment

No this is not the song by Fun. Good song tho, and not too far off from where I’m going with this post.

Some days are great. I’m able to help people and get a sense of satisfaction and meaning from the day, or some other great thing happens. Rare days.
Some days are ok, where nothing really good happened, but nothing bad either. Some days.
Some days are meh, where it’s really close to ok, but there’s just a blah around the whole day. Most days.
Some days are horrible. Something bad happened or I did something horrible to someone I love and want to kill myself but the only reason I don’t is because me killing myself would only make it worse. Suicide doesn’t kill the pain, it only transfers it. Insurance wouldn’t pay for my family and they’d be left without a dad, no matter how shitty a dad I feel I am. But still there’s that voice that keeps saying I should just blow my fucking head off. I hate it when I get like this. I hate taking nose dives. I’ve apologized, but you break a plate on the floor and say sorry – the plate’s still broken. y’know? The affects linger too. It’s been a couple days but I can still feel the effect. I’ve been told I should feel shitty about it. Ya, I agree, and I do. It would break me if I lost my family. It would be worse if it was because of me. Rare but still too often days.

Sooo, it’s a bad day, not a bad life. Don’t go doing something stupid just because you fucked up. Climb back up on that horse and keep going motherfucker. Miles to go before you sleep’n all that.

7 Years!

•August 16, 2018 • Leave a Comment

Hi All,

Just wanted to share today Aug 16 2018 I’ve been Sober for 7 years!  It has not been easy, but nothing worth doing ever is.

Just remember : You alone will have to do it, but you won’t have to do it alone.

….we will be amazed before we are half way through.

TTFN

On the Uselessness of All This, or, I am the Architect of my own Imprisonment

•April 19, 2018 • Leave a Comment

Me : Nosedive? Sure, let’s take a nosedive. All of this is completely useless.

Also Me : Quit trying to figure life out and just live you stupid fuck. All this trying to figure it out has ever brought you is doubt, fear, and anger.

Me : ya but, if there’s no point to all this then why am I wasting all these beautiful days inside a fucking cube farm when I could be out enjoying life?

Also Me : we’ve had this talk idgit. Think long term, think about the future. What you’re doing right now is setting the future for your kids, for your retirement with your wife, and playing with grandkids. Besides, you’ve had a pretty damn good run lately. Why not focus on the good?

Me : What, the great spring break and then the Gator spring football weekend? Ya, those were great but now here we are back to the grind and it sucks. Am totally bonking on this afternoon sitting at my desk. Shit, I can’t even find a nice quiet place in the building to go hide. Working from home wouldn’t work either b/c homeslice is home sick today and mommy’s home watching him poor kid.

Also Me : the sweet is never as sweet without the sour, besides, tomorrow will be awesome. You get the morning to yourself after the kids get to school and wife goes to half day sub gig. Then a nice lunch and afternoon with her after. But wait, is this because we hung out with dad last night? I thought we had a pretty good time.

Me : ya we did, but I guess it still wears on me seeing him like that and seeing me through him in X number of years. The fear of decay without having the chance to enjoy more.

Also Me : Again, we’ve had this talk idgit. Everything in your life is a lesson. The lesson for us with dad has been spend more time with your family, be less worried about career success and provide a great life at home. Aaaaaand enjoy life now as much as you can. Besides, we’re pretty financially secure now and that brings freedom.

Me : well ya, captain obvious, but it also contributes to this general feeling of melancholy because in prior years I didn’t do fun stuff because I was drunk and broke. Now I’m sober and secure and still can’t enjoy the freedom as much as I’d like to.

Also Me : o.m.F.g. would you listen to yourself? Whiny little bitch much? You have more than 80% of the rest of the whole fucking human race. You have a house, family with awesomefantasplendiferous wife and kids, cars, toys, job, etc….you’re doing pretty damn good. You’ve only been secure for around a year. Sure we have to keep working because we haven’t reached that level, so keep fucking working. We are on a path towards the things you speak of, but obviously you haven’t learned your lesson on Patience completely yet.

Me : well, you kinda got me there. Remember that exercise Pug had to do in book 2 of the Riftwar Saga? He’d been a slave on Kelewan after being captured from Midkemia, then while a slave he was discovered to have the power within him by a Great One so he was brought to the Magician’s Academy? Then while there he had the daily exercise of using the pail to take water from the bottom trough and fill the top trough with it only to have it drain down through the successive troughs? It was a mindless repetitive activity designed to allow him as a student to put his body on autopilot while his mind was free to wander unencumbered. He did it for a pretty damn long time (he was at the Academy almost 4 years) before he realized the lesson and was able to move from the White Robe to the Grey.

The lesson being…..He was the Architect of his own imprisonment.

Maybe I just haven’t done enough trough filling yet.

Also Me : heh, well that’s one way to put it. This isn’t all Useless just because you haven’t filled enough troughs yet….Architect something else.

Me : True. Levelling Out.

A Few of my Favorite Things

•March 1, 2018 • Leave a Comment

Sure rain drops on Roses and whiskers on Kittens is nice, but I won’t ever be mistaken for Julie Andrews.

I had an idea the other day to start writing down my favorite sayings. Now I might just make it into a favorites list of anythingesness.

So, here we go in no particular order of course:

You alone will have to do it but you don’t have to do it alone.

Somebody who breathes more expensive air than me gets to make that decision.

Life Is Short. Take the Trip. Buy the Shoes. Eat the Cake. (It’s not like you’re getting out alive anyway)

There’s 3 responses to Prayer : 1)Yes 2)Not right now 3)No, I’ve got something better in mind

My wife and kids.

Getting bombarded with hugs walking in the door from work at night.

Nose kisses with my daughter. Bear hugs from my son. Agape love from my wife.

The Zen of being outdoors.

The Mountains.

Mountain Biking.

Helping People.

One often meets one’s fate on the path one takes to avoid it

The circumstances we ask God to change are often the circumstances God is using to change us.

Sunsets

Sunrises (the thing and the drink with Tequila)

Whiskey In the Jar (Metallica remake of Irish song)

Just as soon as I belong, it’s time I disappear (heading down another road towards a Metallica song)

being there for 95000+ people going crazy after a big play in The Swamp for the Gators.

Hiking

Waterfalls

Rivers

Lakes

point of view videos of surfers inside the pipe

Movie Quotes

Making people laugh

Making people smile

Euphoria

birds eye view of things

Google Maps

How the Universe Works TV Show

Yearning for the exotic past

Nostalgia

There’s an evil voice dangerously near the front of my thoughts telling me I won’t be able to do it

The one you feed – Indian Grandfather’s answer to his grandson whether the good wolf or the bad wolf within him will win the struggle within him.

Falling snow in a peaceful forest

I didn’t fail, I just learned 2000 ways not to make a lightbulb.

It’s only failure if you quit.

I succeed because I have failed.

Huh. Sidenote : notice I have NOT included my sobriety in this list. Huh. Just, huh. Makes sense, my sobriety is more of a logical conclusion I know I need to maintain (skip back to the previous line regarding Euphoria). It is not my favorite, but the benefits of sobriety are. Ok, so….

Benefits of Sobriety.

that seems like a good place to end for now. I’ll come back later when more hit me, I’m sure I’ve got more. If nothing else, this list is a good exercise in Counting Your Blessings.

I’d love to hear some of yours in the comments.

TTFN =)
Update 03052018

If you’re goin’ through Hell, just keep goin’. (updated my Intro post Miserable Basterd and this one popped in my head)

There are two possibilities : either we are alone in the Cosmos, or we are not. Either option is equally terrifying.

What makes sense to a Cimmerian Barbarian seems like insane savagery to. Turanian Prince.

To the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the world.

One man’s scraps are another man’s feast.
Update 03062018

So hey ya, sorry for clogging up your inbox since you’re getting an update every time I do this, but please just bear with me.

A Goal without a Plan is just a Dream. ( I spose the gnarlier version of this one could be Wish in one hand and shit in the other, then see which one fills up first)

Wear Sunscreen : Advice, like Youth, probably just wasted on the Young.

Be Like Water – Bruce Lee, describing a philosophy on Life : “You must be shapeless, formless, like water. When you pour water in a cup, it becomes the cup. When you pour water in a bottle, it becomes the bottle. When you pour water in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Water can drip and it can crash. Become like water my friend.”

Do Epic Shit.

Not all who wander are lost.

03113018

Lazy weekend mornings with the fam.

That buzz/fuzz/euphoria after getting a good massage.

This is Life

•February 6, 2018 • 2 Comments

When I was a kid I watched a lot of TV after school in the afternoons. Lots of sitcom reruns, stuff like that. For some odd reason I have a memory on one of the sitcoms of a character having to write a paper on the meaning of life. At the time I wasn’t really all that introspective and didn’t write, so I just remember being terrified at the prospect of this fictional writing assignment describing the meaning of life.

Well, I still don’t really have the meaning of life figured out, but I have come to realize that life is about the moments. All of them. All the insignificant and mundane ranging over to the spectacular and ones you hope you never forget. I turn 42 this year, and since I’ll be the answer to life, the universe, and everything it’s making me acutely aware of how I want to spend the rest of it. But back to the point…..

I find myself in random situations in my everyday just stepping out of myself in a fashion and observing the moment, the situation, as a 3rd party observer to myself and I say to myself “This is Life”.

This is Life when you’re sitting through a Cub Scout Pack meeting with your son.

This is Life when you’ve gone through the mundane morning routine and have made it to work and are getting warmed up, then your daughter texts you out of the blue to say “I Love You Daddy”.

This is Life when you start trying to talk yourself into drinking again.

This is Life when you imagine the kids are out of college and you and wifey are going to starting bugging them about Grandkids.

This is Life when your wife is so awesome helping take care of your aging Father.

This is Life when……This is Life when……This is Life when……

But then I go a step past that. Remember the 42 and acutely aware? I quite often feel I’m wasting my life going to work everyday and being away from my family. BUT, it’s a necessary evil seeing how the whole money thing…..well, you know. Anyway, on top of doing the “This is Life” bit, I find myself in situations quite often where I imagine I’ve got $5 mil in the bank. These situations are of the type Even if you had $5 mil in the bank you’d still be doing this…..

Even if you had $5 mil in the bank you’d still go grocery shopping.

Even if you had $5 mil in the bank you’d still get stuck in traffic.

Even if you had $5 mil in the bank you’d still need to get the kids out the door for school in the morning.

Even if you had $5 mil in the bank you’d still need to live the rest of your life.

So, I spose you could posit that the meaning of life is to be a blessing to others, or something like that, and we’ve already gone over the point of life ad nauseum with the whole God or not bit and Divine Creation.

But forget about all that shit.

Life is about the moments. You are alive and living life. Notice the moments. Make the moments. Remember the moments.

Life is Short. Take the Trip. Buys the Shoes. Eat the Cake. It’s not like you’re getting out alive anyway.

6 Years!

•August 16, 2017 • 1 Comment

just a quick note to anybody listening…..today Aug 16 2017 marks my 6th year of sobriety. One day at a time ya’ll.

 
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