You’re Killing Me

You ‘n me, we’ve been together now for awhile now haven’t we? Had some good times. 12 years at least. Every new high followed by a new low. Why can’t I get you out of my head?

I always told myself I’d hang out with you as long as I didn’t feel any long term negative FX. Well guess what, they’re finally here. I can’t hang out with you anymore like I used to. I have to get used to that and I have to accept that.

I’ve got other reasons to live besides you. You make me think I don’t, and that I don’t want those other reasons, but I do. I forget from time to time but I’m thankful at least for his moment of clarity. Maybe it’s not too late. Maybe I can still turn this around. I have to make a choice here. I’m not choosing you. Choosing you is death and a life wasted.

I’ve seen examples all my life of what hanging out with you will do. I’ve ignored them. Not anymore. I’ve started living it. This shit just got real.

I’ve always needed a reason to leave you. I’ve never had one. Reading in a book you’d kill me was never good enough. I had to feel it. I always knew I could make my own choice to leave you if I had a good enough reason. Well, now I finally do. The blinders are off and I’m going to appreciate other things in my life more than I have. More than you’ve let me b/c you’re so fucking jealous.

I want to live. That simple statement is a revelation. All this time you’ve made me so apathetic. I didn’t care if I lost my job. I didn’t care if I lost my family. I didn’t care about much besides hanging out with you. Fuck You. I’m so mad; at you, but more at myself that I’ve let myself get to this. I care now.

I’ll still come visit you from time to time I wager. A nip here, a swig there. No more blind devotion tho. I’ve got better things to do. I don’t need you. The pain I feel in my heart is because of you. 12 years of you and unchecked apathy have led to this.

I always used to joke when I was younger I’d die by 40. At this rate I might. No more. I’ll be your muse no longer and you’ll not be my out.

Interventions aren’t always a large group of people strapping you down and breaking you. They’re not always a spouse saying “you quit, or I’m leaving”. I’ve never gotten to that point, that’s why leaving you has always been so hard. It’s been had because I’ve never had the up front in your face moment that I have always required. Heck, even now, 3 months later after the first “ah hah” moment, I’m just now realizing it. The wheel turns slowly.

I think I’ll go ahead and make myself a reminder for whenever I start thinking about you. There’s a movie that’s always stuck with me, “Leaving Las Vegas”. It’s about a guy who loses everything b/c of you, and decides to go ahead and just give up and end with you. Whenever I start feeling like calling you up to see if you want to hang out, I’m just gonna say that to myself. Leaving Las Vegas. At some point in the future I may forget what I feel like right now; the pain, the anxiety. I’ll feel great and just want to drop by for a visit. That’s when I’ll dial up my little reminder. I may not remember exactly how bad I felt, but I’ll remember I left myself a trail of breadcrumbs so I could find my way back. Leaving Las Vegas.

Leaving you will be hard.. Even with the proper motivation there’s going to be times where I’ll just want to be with you and you only. But, I have the motivation now. My body is finally saying “hey there, it’s uh, ya, it’s prolly time to pull back a little there”. Well, I’m finally listening.

Thanks for playing, we’ve got some lovely parting gifts for you.

You’re killing me.

I’m done with you.


~ by sobriety6923 on February 4, 2010.

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