Catalysts


Funny how we keep telling ourselves we should prolly go ahead and do a thing, or stop doing a thing, but we never do it. That is, we never do it until something arrives that finally makes us change our mind, or changes our mind for us.

A couple years ago, I decided to lose some weight. I had been meaning to for awhile, but I never got around to it. Kept putting it off. Then, we decided to take my daughter to Disney for her 4th birthday and I knew I was never going to last all day long walking around that park. I decided to start losing weight and exercising, and I did well enough by the time we took her to the park that we had a great day. I was not going to let my sloth affect her good time at Disney.

12 years ago I started drinking. Heavily. I am an alcoholic. For a few years now I’ve been saying to myself, “ya, you should prolly go ahead and lay off the sauce there guy”. I’d have a dry spell here, or a moment of clarity there, but I’d always jump right back in with both feet. I’ve always needed a reason. Wife wasn’t enough. 2 beautiful children weren’t enough. Future health problems weren’t enough.

Well, the future is now. I don’t just get hangovers anymore. It’s a lot. Worse. We’re talking days of lower back pain, chest pain, arm pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. I always figured my liver would go, or my kidneys, or my brain. I never figured my heart would be the one to suffer. I’ve been in pain for months now.

Don’t worry, I’ve gone to the doc, and been checked out, no major problems, and nothing that’s irreversible. But I’m done. This is my catalyst. Now that it’s in my face and punching me in the gut, I can finally see.

It is possible in the future I will relapse. Again. But I’m going to do my best to remember this. Remember the pain. The anxiety. The thing about the sauce is it makes you not care about your health. Not care about your loved ones. The only thing you care about is getting your next drink. I want to remember the pain. I want to remember the anxiety. All of a sudden I do care if I live. I do care if I see my kids grow up. I’m starting to see them again for the blessings they are, and not the burden this junk has made me see them for.

I want to live. That statement alone is an epiphany. The haze I’ve been living in for 12 years is clearing a little. If I make it, it will lift completely. It is up to me.

I want to live.

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~ by sobriety6923 on February 11, 2010.

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