So I guess I’m not as far along as I thought


Went to an AA meeting last night. Went with a friend from church, it’s been prolly a year at least since I’ve been. It’s a men’s only meeting and it’s just open discussion. There’s an opening intro, then the serenity prayer, then some housekeeping describing what the meeting is, etc….all read from a card.

Then folks just start talking. They share their experiences, what they’re going through, how they think their experiences can help others. I keep forgetting, I DO NOT HAVE PROBLEMS.

I want to share, but after hearing these other guys and the stories they tell, I’m sitting there thinking “all I have to bitch about is my 2 kids that drive me crazy; some of these guys have seen some real shit. I’ve got everything and all I can do is whine about it and drink.”. These guys have lost families, careers, been in jail. What right do I have to bitch about my kids, or the great job I hate, or anything else?

But it made me realize I’m not past the anger and denial yet. I am still in denial that I can’t drink anymore. And I’m pissed about it that I can’t drink anymore. It was pretty much hammered into me last night that you can’t stay sober without working the 12 steps. You can’t do it on your own, you have to surrender to a higher power, and you have to get a sponsor.

Fuck that. I can do this on my own. I don’t need to sit around and piss and moan at fucking meetings. Yes you do. Fuck, I know. But I can’t even bring myself to the point I TRULY believe there is a higher power yet. Ironic, wouldn’t it be, that I came to Jesus through alcohol.

I’m sober right now because I need to be, because my body is screaming at me that I’m killing it. One guy last night said “your body doesn’t care what you want when you want a drink”. That kind of resonated with me. I’m not sober because I want to be.

Your body doesn’t care you want that next drink. It’s had all it can take and it’s not taking anymore.

So, to recap:

– I do not want to be sober. I’m doing it because my health is finally being affected.

– I’m not ready to give myself over to a higher power. I don’ t even know I believe there is one. I want there to be but I’m just not there.

– I’m not ready to believe I can not do it by myself

– I’m not ready to start any sort of fucking program. But I know I should.

And one other side note. How fucking conceited am I? I’m sitting in this room with all these guys and I’m looking down my nose at them. They’re all saying “I’m so and so and I’m an alcoholic”, then they start sharing. I’ve got denial so far up my ass I can’t even bring myself to accept that simple statement for myself to admit to others. I can tell myself I am, but I’m not to the point I can readily admit it to many others. But ya, I’m catching myself looking down at these guys because they’re alcoholics, but they can admit it to others. I can’t.

add it to the list of things that need to get fixed.

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~ by sobriety6923 on February 19, 2010.

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