The Evenings are Completely Different

Used to be I’d get off work at 5, get home by 5:20’ish and the counter started. I at least tried to make myself wait till 8 to start drinking. 9 if I was trying to cut down. I’d be completely useless all evening if I just started when I got home. Problem was, the kids didn’t go to bed till 8:30 so I was usually lit by the time they were going to bed, and who knows what my mood was going to be like. At least before I wasn’t completely useless till after 8. Is that rationalizing? Is that what that is? Justification even?

My wife says I’ve been easier to live with the last 3 wks. I don’t know, I guess my outlook on life has gotten a little better. I’m not constantly watching the clock, waiting for 8pm to arrive anymore. So it’s not like I’m grumpy waiting for my medicine anymore. Then 8 would arrive and I’d start feeling better, but it would be a sloppy better. Kids shouldn’t have to see their parents drunk all the time. I always hated drinking while they were still awake and them seeing me do it, but I obviously didn’t hate it enough.

I’m seeing my family as less of a burden too. Maybe that’s because they’re something that was keeping me from my drinking. I HAVE to put up with you people till 8, then I can start. Fubar, fubar, fubar. And yet I could go back to it in a heartbeat.

But ya, instead of the 8pm shut down now, there’s a little more time to get a few things done, or at least make the evening schedule more flexible. I don’t have to do the mentally challenging stuff before 8 anymore like pay bills or whatever. You laugh, but you can screw up your online banking fairly easily while drunk if you’re not careful.

I am in a better mood overall now I guess. Drinking is like a tractor beam. You closer you are to it the stronger pull it has on you. The farther away, the less. But (at least 3wks in anyway) it’s always there ready to pounce. Ready to whisper in your ear how much better your life would be if you’d just come back to it. It’s all lies of course. But, it’s lies you want to believe.


~ by sobriety6923 on February 25, 2010.

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