I’m too smart to believe in your Jesus…


…or too stupid.

following in the 12 steps vein, the first(?) step is that you have to accept you have no control over your drinking and you have to give it over to a higher power.

actually, it’s about the 3rd for giving it over: http://www.aa.org/en_pdfs/smf-121_en.pdf

I don’t even know if I can admit I’m powerless.  I can do this.  I can do this if I choose to.  I can do anything I want if I want.  I can quit whenever I want.  bullshit.  I think the last 12 years of your life have proven that wrong.

so turn it over to a higher power.  Ok, what higher power then?  Jesus?  God?  That’s the way I’ve been brought up and that’s what the bible says, but what about my personal journey? what about big bang and/or Intelligent design?

I want there to be a god and jesus to be real.  If they’re not, then waht the fuck is the point of life?  We’re really just all floating around on some rock that has evolved over billions of years with the life on it? How do we reconcile science and faith?  The two timelines seem completely divergent.

Either

1. there’s no god or intelligent designer and all this has just been floating around for roughly 14 billion years now ( I think that’s about the latest reported age of the universe)

2. there’s no god but there is some sort of intelligent designer that created everything and EVERY SINGLE FREAKING RELIGION SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME HAS IT WRONG

3. there is a god and he created everything, and jesus is true and he saw fit to not explain things scientifically in the bible for those that can’t just take things on faith.  That’s actually the biggest thing about faith, you have to take it without proof.  You have to lose your cynicism and stop questioning your blessings and take it as a blessing from god.  I can’t do that.  Yet.

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~ by sobriety6923 on March 12, 2010.

5 Responses to “I’m too smart to believe in your Jesus…”

  1. I hope you do figure out how to gain that faith. It has changed my life.

    It really does come back to Step 1. It is easy to verbalize acceptance that you are powerless over and addiction. True acceptance of that is much more difficult.

    Do you still feel shame and remorse over your behaviors as an addict?

    If you answer yes, you are still trying to take responsibility for your addiction. If you were powerless over the addiction it means that you were not responsible for it. It controled you.

    As long as you hold on to the notion that you are in some way responsible for your addictive behaviors, you will be unable to truly accept that a power greater than you can return you to a normal way of life and will be unable to turn your life over to that power.

    True acceptance of Step 1 is an amazing thing. It not only lets you let go of the remorse and shame it also takes away the anger and resentment you still feel towards others.

    I wish you well in journey.

  2. Hi, thanks for the comment.

    That’s the thing tho, I don’t feel remorse or shame, just anger that I can’t drink anymore. I’m not angry at anyone per se except maybe myself or my body that’s finally telling me “hey, we can’t go on like this anymore”.

  3. I am often not sure what order to put the macro issues like whether or not God exists. I used to ponder such questions and remained drunk and insane over them. Or at least remained preoccupied by them and did not allow myself the benefit of putting this issues aside temporarily in order to get out of the cyclonic thinking that kept me drunk.

    One thing that I feel we can all be sure of… there are powers greater than our individual selves. Certainly greater than our active alcoholic selves.

    Two people helping one another is a power greater than either of them alone. Likewise 3, 4, or 5.

    Printed material that we can read, absorb, and that doesnt engage our often twisted debates is also a power greater than ourselves. Greater than me as a drinking alcholic at least.

    To me, the key is to get out of confinement of our solitude and habitual self-destructive thinking patterns.

    Albert Einstein is quoted as having said, “We cannot solve problems using the same kind of thinking we used when we caused them”.

    So whether or not you believe in God, seeking to get out of yourself and to get some form of power greater than yourself will be a benefit.

    I share this as someone who does believe in Jesus and does believe in the scientific method at the same time. My faith is not so frail that I cannot accept one of the powers that God generously provides such as fellowship, printed material, my fitness program, or the awesome forces of nature to me to look to on days when I get stuck in my head with questions similar to the ones you ask.

    I have given up on fully understanding God. I am learning that it is more important to discover that he understands me. And as for Science, I have yet to see that it disproves the existence of God.

    For me, I found all these macro issues a lot less painful to address when I am sober and learning, growing, recovering a little at a time.

    Ciao.

    Chaz

  4. Hi Chaz,

    I could not have put it better myself. In my experience there are many in Gamblers Anonymous that do not ever come to accept the concept of God but do acknowledge that there are powers greater than them. The end result is still the road of recovery.

    I am Christian. I have long ago accepted that I will never understand God. It does not stop me from trying to understand Him more than I do know.

    Peace

    • Thanks for the comments. I spose I can easily enough accept the fact there’s a power greater than myself, and also that I’m not trying to understand God, but rather the human interpretation of “God”. It’s all the different flavors that have evolved over time that get me stuck.

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