If I die


<let’s start macro here, then we’ll go micro>

If I die, it will not matter.

It will not matter to the universe.

It will not matter to this galaxy..

It will not matter to this solar system.

It will not matter to this planet.

It will not matter to this country.

It will not matter to this state.

It will not matter to this county.

It will not matter to this city.

It will not matter to my street.

Life will go on for the world, and the sun will continue to shine, the world will continue to spin. WhoTF cares if I live or die? I don’t. I just want to drink.

<and now for the micro>

If I die, it will matter.

It will matter to my wife.

It will matter to my daughter.

It will matter to my son.

It will matter to my mother.

It will matter to my father.

It will matter to varying degrees to the rest of my extended family.

My apathy is such that the people who love me care more about whether I live or die than I do. I’m that sick. I’ve been told the apathy will receed eventually. I can’t see it. But then, I can’t see a lot of things. In AA meetings the first thing they start with is the preamble that contains the statement something to the effect “we are people who WANT to stop drinking”. Fuck that. I don’t want to stop drinking. I want to drink all the time. I want to drink right now. The only reason I’m not drinking is b/c my body is finally screaming at me that I should stop. Suck it up pussy, let’s go drink.

I don’t care about seeing my daughter grow up to be a woman, and get married, and walk her down the aisle. I don’t care about my son growing up, and seeing him graduate, and playing sports. I don’t care about my kids having kids and being a grandfather. Fuck that, let’s go drink.

……………………..

I am slowly turning away from this thinking. At the very least I have had an awakening that has made me realize these things and there is at least some small part of me that does care about them. But that part is so small and weak. Here’s hoping (praying even? But I don’t pray. Well you should dumbass) that the part that does care continues to grow and strengthen.

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~ by sobriety6923 on April 7, 2010.

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