The Counter


does the counter restart EVERY time I drink now?

I’ve got family visiting and I had a few beers yesterday.  Got a nice buzz, but didn’t get falling down drunk or anything (is that rationalization I hear rearing its ugly head?).  I didn’t drink last night, and I haven’t drunk today.

so my wife says to me last night…but the counter starts all over again…it kind of hit me, that she expects me NEVER to drink again.  pffft, screw that.  I can handle not drinking every night and drinking on occasion, and I’m ok with that, but NEVER drinking again?  Never wanting to?  being around other people that are drinking and honestly being able to say “no thanks” and really mean it?  nope.  definitely not.  not right now anyway.  maybe someday, if I ever TRULY get with the program (sponsor, steps, etc…)

I’m not counting days sober anymore, haven’t been for awhile.  just taking things day by day.  so I had a few beers…so what?  (rationalization much?)  by myself that would be a problem I spose b/c I wouldn’t care to stop.  so ya, maybe I do need to get with the program if I want to be able to stand on my own two feet with sobriety.  but I still don’t want to. there’s still the part of me that’s looking forward to the next time the family leaves so I can get drunk for awhile.  hell, there’s still a part of me that just wants to get a job in the mountains by myself somewhere, have my wife and kids move back in with her dad, and I’d just come visit every so often.  that way I could bike, hike, and drink as much as I wanted.  despite all my bitching about feeling like a paycheck and that’s all I’m good for, that’s exactly what I fantasize about sometimes.

fubar.

i’m not drinking b/c I know better, not because I don’t care to.

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~ by sobriety6923 on April 18, 2010.

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