Relief. Guilt. Sadness.


Can you say Cluster Fuck?

My dad and I have a distant at best relationship.  We’re not too close, but we love each other and by no means are we on bad terms or anything, we’re just not that close.  He lives overseas in Germany and I only really see him once a year at best.  He’ll come visit and stay a week or two at a time.  Usually in a hotel nearby and get a rental.  I usually don’t have much vacation time saved up from work to spend a lot of time with him either.  His wife is in the late stages of Alzheimer’s and is a vegetable.  It’s very hard on him, but he takes great care of her and keeps her at his house instead of a hospital, with live in care and whatnot.

So anyway, this time around a relative passed, and he came state side for the service, then visited us while making the trip.  Stayed about a week and a half and it was great seeing him.  Now that he’s gone tho, I find myself relieved, guilty b/c I feel relieved, and also sad b/c I prolly won’t be seeing him again for another year or whenever it is.

Dad had a rough childhood growing up.  Poor, parents divorced when he was 8, youngest of 4 siblings in Minneapolis.  Bad neighborhood, alcoholic dad, etc, etc…I am a firm believer that our environment contributes heavily to our personality, especially in our formative years.  So ya, my childhood wasn’t always nice and fuzzy either.  my parents divorced right before my 16th birthday.  July 4th weekend they dropped the bomb letting me know, then we went to fireworks that night like a normal family.  fubar.  So, I’m a little more distilled than my dad hopefully, and he was from his dad.  Maybe by the time my son grows up he’ll be even better.  Let’s hope.  He’s 2 now and my daughter is 5 so maybe they won’t have to grow up with an active alcoholic father like my dad did.  My dad recently admitted he’s an alcoholic too, as was his father.  Holy Shit.  I don’t really have any childhood memories of my dad abusing alcohol.

It’s just a whuppin’ having people visit for that long.  y’know?  And then to top it off, tonight, this very night, is my daughter’s dance recital which my mom was going to come into town for.  Funny backstory on this….originally, her and her husband were going to come into town a few days ago and visit leading up to tonight, then when out of the blue my dad was coming to town, her trip all of a sudden got way shorter.  Especially since they would most likely be staying at the same hotel.  Well guess what, after the Iceland volcano and it looked like my dad might be stuck here longer the trip itself looked like it might not happen, and then last minute, all this other stuff in her life happened, and they won’t be able to make it.  Well that was convenient.

so now we’re here:  my dad did get his flight out today, my mom is not coming, and now we’ll have the weekend to ourselves.  Relief.

I feel bad b/c I’m relieved.  Guilt.

It’ll prolly be another year before I see my dad again.  Sadness.

But on the flip side, my dad’s visit this time wasn’t just a drunken beer fest.  There were a couple times we cracked open a few beers, but this was far from previous instances of the two of us going through a 12 pack every night.  So that was good.  (oh there will be no tip, but on your deathbed you shall achieve total consciousness, so at least I got that goin for me)

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~ by sobriety6923 on April 22, 2010.

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