“Define irony…Bunch of idiots dancing on a plane to a song made famous by a band that died in a plane crash.” – Steve Buscemi; Con Air

Disclaimer: I had 3 beers with lunch yesterday. I’m fine with that. Afternoon bbq on Sunday afternoon, burgers and hot dogs….I’m fine with that. That’s all I had, and didn’t drink the rest of the day. (rationalization again, eh?). I’ll reiterate that I don’t see myself ever completely turning off the spigot. I’m fine with moderation, for now.

Last night, my wife says to me “I’m really sorry, but do we have any L-I-Q-U-O-R in the house?” spelling it out so the kids won’t know what she’s talking about. Ya sure, I say, the bottle you hid still has whatever’s left in it. My wife had hidden the last bottle of whiskey we had because I asked her to back in the very early days of my sobriety’ishness. While she was gone a few weeks ago, I left it alone, but bought my own while she was gone. She had thought I had killed the hidden bottle b/c I had inadvertently found it while looking for something else. Nah, if I want some I’ll just go get it.

So anyway, she has back problems and it was really killing her last night, so she had a drink and popped an ibuprofen and she was feeling fine. <sip and a drink and a feelin fine…we’ve been dancing with, Mr Brownstone…> At first I was like, oh snap, if she gets to drink then so do I! But then a funny thing happened. I didn’t. I had a tinge of oh god I want a drink at first, but then it went away and I was fine. I had my 3 beers at lunch yesterday, I didn’t need to drink last night. I went through the whole ok I’ll have some whiskey with her, to nah, let’s just have some beer, to nah, let’s just have some water, I don’t need to, in about 10 seconds. Let me say that again….I didn’t need to drink. One more time so I’m sure I heard myself right….I didn’t need to drink.

Wow. You’ve come a long way.

My wife is all worried and apologizing profusely b/c she didn’t want to drink in front of me b/c it would be a trigger and I appreciate that. She’s done really good not drinking in front of me. I wouldn’t really say she’s got a drinking problem, b/c she can turn it off whenever she wants. She would drink with me when I used to, but she’s fortunate to just walk away and say c-ya. Me, not so much, it’s been more of, ahem, an effort. I spose if she was drinking in front of me frequently it would be a problem, but an instance like last night I can handle. But, it made me realize something. The way she was acting b/c she was tipsy made me think, “god, is that how I’m like around the kids?”. It was nothing bad, but it was the first time in a long time she was just foot loose and fancy free so to speak. Euphoric. Which is my main draw. She even said at one point, “the kids keep looking at me funny”. Well, ya, they haven’t seen you this happy in awhile. The kids are looking at me funny. The kids are looking at me funny. They don’t know what’s going on but they know something’s not right/funny/different. The kids are looking at me funny. I don’t ever want to have my kids look at me funny ever again. I don’t want my kids to grow up with an alcoholic father. Especially the more I talk with my dad and learn what he had to deal with from his alcoholic father growing up that died before I was even born as a result of complications from smoking and drinking.

Everyday, you are presented with lessons to be learned from every angle in your life. You can realize them for what they are, or you can completely miss them and go on about your sad, wasted existence letting alcohol’s sweet caress poison you. Open your eyes.


~ by sobriety6923 on April 26, 2010.

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