Went to a meeting last night for the first time in awhile. The topic chosen was choices. Of course there was plenty of discussion from everyone about choices made in life and how we had all arrived at a point in our lives where we needed to start going to meetings and had arrived there.

I got to thinking about my choices. I’m still only choosing not to drink because of my health. Which is bullshit. There was a guy there last night, 80 something years old, he shared how he downed over 20oz of liquor a night for 20 years. Well fuck, I’ve only been drinking for 12 and it’s less than that. Why do I have health problems and he seems like he’s fine? Why can’t I go back to drinking like I used to? Shit, I feel guilty now just picking up a fucking beer. And don’t get me started on my wife bitching at me.

Just got off the phone with her a little while ago actually. She pissed me off about something so now of course I want to drink. It’s the first thing that jumped in my head. Shit, why do I have to deal with this, it just makes me want to drink. Fuck it. I don’t care. Daughter’s wedding, Son’s graduation, etc….back to the not caring again. Fuck.

I have a list of numbers I can call. It’s a phone list from the meeting group. I also have a few others I know I can call. I don’t want to. I don’t want a sponsor, I don’t want to follow the program, I don’t want to be sober. Fuck.

These are all choices I have made or am making. I know the consequences of them and I don’t care.


~ by sobriety6923 on May 14, 2010.

3 Responses to “Choices”

  1. I feel you. been there done that and got a tee-shirt. it’s really not about the guy whose 80yrs. old drinking 20 0z a day ( got me beat on that one) How about having your daughter call the paramedics to carry you on a stretcher out of the church in front of every body cause you’re drunk-course you’re not really drunk YOU know that, it’s them that don’t realize you not really drunk. It’s part of a drunk-a-log that you know as well as me. It’s still CUNNING,POWERFUL and BAFFLING. Cause after knowing all that we will cry to get off this alcoholic rollacostar look around and then go right back and get in line again.

  2. `Well hell, shit happens. Your blog is edging me closer and closer to sobriety. I am not there yet – but it’s good to read something as honest as your postings. Don’t stop, I bet there’s more of us here in the shadows, watching. Your struggles are my struggles ( and then some). Keep at it.

  3. busysignal – wow, you are absolutely right. what if someday my own daughter has to take care of me or take me to the hospital. And no I’m not drunk, I’ve only had a couple what’s the big deal? yup. again with the rationalization.

    jo – thanks for being brave enough to come forward and comment. It really does me good to know folks are out there reading about my struggles and perhaps gathering strength from them.

    frannie – thanks for the comment. I’m not sure what to make of it. I am not the 40 yr old restraining order guy in your life, but if you ever want to have a chat, feel free to contact me. best.

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