What are you afraid of?

I say I don’t care if I live or die and a lot of times I feel it, but when it comes right down to it when the wheels start turning, I know it’s BS.

My lack of faith disturbs me, but not to the point that I’ve invested a lot of time in investigating it.  So why can’t I make that leap of faith and believe in god, the bible, jesus, etc….wholeheartedly?  I know there’s a part of me that does, but it is definitely in the minority.  I want to believe there is, but I am just not able to make that leap.

But reasons aside, what’s the why?  WHY can’t I just believe what I’ve been brought up in and taught?

– Am I afraid of having to live exactly right like the bible says?

– Am I afraid of being a chump and believing in some phony baloney jesus?

– Am I afraid of examining what the alternative is to life everlasting if you simply just go away after you die and there’s nothing else?

– has my education made me too smart to believe in a 2000 year old book?

maybe if I prayed for help in believing…whoops, i don’t believe in prayer either.  well shit.  what now?

If there’s one thing I hate it’s being taken advantage of….car dealer, paying too much for a TV, believing in one flavor or deity and afterlife over another….

and that’s another thing…I hate wasting my time.  Time is so precious nowadays.  What if believing in god and jesus is just a colossal waste of time?  Learning all the lessons of the bible, etc…just a big waste.  what if?  I don’t want it to be.  I want there to  be a point to life, and an afterlife, but it just doesn’t make sense.

Let’s say you’re a benevolent god, and you say to yourself one day hey let’s make the universe.  and oh by the way b/c I’ve made the universe with BILLIONS of galxies, let’s only inhabit ONE FUCKING PLANET of the whole schmere.  How inefficient is that?  Why go through all the trouble of creating life, creating the universe, and then only populating one miniscule rock of it?

But maybe god did, the protractors will say, and he just didn’t feel like telling us b/c our understanding of the universe was so limited at the time of moses, jesus, etc…

next point of contention….if you’re a christian, then by derivation, you should believe in at least interstellar travel and or other dimensions, right?  stay with me here….if there is a heaven and/or hell, they have to exist somewhere right?  well, they’re not on this planet that we know of….(interstellar), or they are and we can’t see them (other dimensions), or they’re somewhere floating out in the universe somewhere (interstellar and/or other dimensions)

AND if you’re a christian, you should believe in magic.  Oh I’m sorry, in christianity we call it ‘miracles”.  Jesus was a magician in the sense he performed miracles healing the sick, walking on water, water to wine, etc….I read a book once, I believe it was “Prince of the Blood” by Raymond E Feist.  At one point towards the end, one of the protagonists is talking with his magician companion, who is less magician and more con man, but possesses some skill nonetheless.  Anyway, the protagonist is passing along info to the magician/conman from  another friend, a very powerful magician.  “There is no magic”.  The conman kind of chuckles at this, and the protagonist asks him to explain as he doesn’t really understand the saying.  Well, the conman has the protagonist begin juggling two fruits with two hands, then he has him do it with one…then he tells him to do it with none.  Of course at this, the protagonist scoffs and drops the fruits. “How am I supposed to juggle with no hands?”.  To which the conman replies “When you can do that, you’ll understand the meaning of there is no magic”.  The whole point of this is it’s just a trick, see? With the technology we possess in this day and age, any number of our mundane everyday tasks would seem like sorcery to a man or woman from 2000 yrs ago.  Just sayin.

but anyway, I spose I’m most afraid that it’s a waste of time, and I’d be chump to believe it.  At their worst, religions start wars, foster terrorists, and create pedophiles.  But at their best, they care for the needy, bring hope, educate, any number of wonderful benefits.

I hope god is patient and will wait on me.


this is still weighing on me, obviously.  1. I at least believe in an intelligent designer, so let’s go ahead and call that “god”.  2. that’s where it gets murky.  Do I go to church and half way limp my way through service and faith modifying my worship to my own personal understanding of god, or do I not even bother?  thus far I guess I haven’t bothered.  I spose I should at least go and give thanks to whom or whatever created me and the universe and hope that’s enough.  yet I don’t.  add it to the list of things to fix.


~ by sobriety6923 on May 19, 2010.

2 Responses to “What are you afraid of?”

  1. I’m right there with you on a lot of this. I remember watching that movie, “Angels and Demons”, where Tom Hank’s character says “faith is a gift which I have yet to be given”. I have an open heart, but until I *feel* it, it’s just.not.there. I think it’s important that my children learn about Christianity, it’s a fundamental foundation of our American culture, and I want to take them to church. On the one hand, I worry about being a “phony”, but if I go in with an open heart, waiting to receive the “gift of faith”, how could I be considered such? I feel like I’m in a really weird place, and I totally relate to your struggle.

  2. I do the same RE relating to movies. funny how I put more stock in fictional characters in movies than what I supposed to in the bible, but therein lies the problem….what if the bible is just a fictional collection of stories? I don’t want it to be, but I relate more to stories written in my time by authors of the same. good luck in your struggles too.

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