Suicide


Went to the doc for a wellness checkup a while ago. Full questionnaire that included mental and physical questions, was through work and free, so I figured what the heck I’ll try it out. This is in addition to my normal doctor visits. A couple of questions dealt with depression and the like, and I tried to answer truthfully, so of course my answers popped some flags.

In the course of talking with the Physician Assistant (PA), she asked me, “well, have you ever thought of killing yourself”, to which I responded yes, I think about it frequently. Of course she didn’t like that answer. Then the follow up was “well, have you thought about how you’d do it?” To which I replied “well no, I guess not”. Well, that was a good thing to her. b/c apparently if you’ve taken it far enough to think about the how, then that’s one step closer right?

So we wrapped up and went on our ways, but then it hit me: I lied to her without even realizing it. I know exactly how I’ll kill myself if and when I decide to. I’ll go all Nicky Cage in “Leaving Las Vegas” and drink myself to death. I mean, that’s what I’m doing anyway right? Just prolonging it over a period of years, whether it’s the next 20, or whether it’s the next month. Maybe I’ll disappear up to a mountain cabin somewhere with a great view and some great trail nearby, and drink and bike till I die. Either choking on my own vomit in the kitchen one night, or falling off the side of a mountain trail drunk. I mean, we’re all dying since the day we’re born anyway, so what’s the point? Lisa Leob much?

BUT THAT WOULD CONCEIVABLY BE THE MOST SELFISH THING I’VE EVER DONE.

And that’s why I won’t do it. As long as people depend on me. My wife would be without a husband. My kids would be without a father. My parents would be without their only son. I pride myself on being dependable. Even if I hate a thing, if someone I care about is depending on me for that thing I won’t do anything to jeopardize it.

I say that, and I mean it. But everyone has their limits. There are no absolutes besides death, taxes, and a drunk wanting another drink.

I have no plans to kill myself, but if I ever do, I do know how I’ll do it.

<update>

posted the above on an alcohol forum I like to go to sometimes and one of the other posters shared the below link.

The hardest truth: how I told my kids about their father’s suicide

reading an account of what the survivors have to go through makes it real.  It makes me step back and be disgusted at the self loathing I’ve created that makes me even consider doing something so selfish.  I’m actually ashamed of myself for thinking these thoughts.

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~ by sobriety6923 on June 7, 2010.

2 Responses to “Suicide”

  1. hmph, have never heard that. I don’t discount it tho. What’s the point of going through the pain and hassle of living besides taking care of someone or something? Fear of death? going to hell?

  2. […] […]

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