It’s Father’s Day

and I’m alone.  well not technically I have the dog and 2 cats I spose.  My wife usually goes to visit her dad for a few weeks in June every year the last few and that’s fine.  I look forward to it all year, it’s like a mini vacation just for me.  Live like a batchelor for and do whatever I want whenever.

But now that it’s here, of course I’d rather have them here.  Their yearly visit actually comes on during the time of a couple big days, if you’re so inclined to make them that way.  Our anniversary for one, my son’s birthday, and of course Father’s Day.

But this is what I wanted right?  peace and quiet?  this IS my father’s day gift, is to not have them here?  I guess, but now that it’s here, I’m kind of bummed.  I kind of wish they were here to scream and yell, and I had to change diapers and everything else.  I could take them for a bike ride, instead of going by myself later today.  And even then, there’s folks I could go ride with I spose today if I wanted, but I’d really rather just be alone, but have my family here too. I know, that doesn’t make any sense.

My dad is on a trip with the VFW or some such to Ireland so I won’t even be able to get ahold of him today.  I found out a little while ago, that my grandfather, his father, was an alcoholic, and my dad was also an alcoholic.  That’s something I had never realized.  Greeeaaaat.  Here’s hoping it skips my son.  My dad always had a bad temper while I was growing up. I look back and remember more bad than good, I’m sorry to say.  Oh sure, there was plenty of good to go around, but it’s the bad that sticks out.  Kind of like any relationship I spose.  When it’s good it’s nothing special, but the bad sticks out like a sore thumb.  Here’s hoping that my dad was a distilled version of his father and I am a distilled version of mine.  His parents divorced before he was ten, and his dad died of alcohol and smoking by the time my dad was in his young 20’s.  My dad’s 65 and still around so that’s good.  He’s starting to fall apart, but he’s got a while left in him.

I hope I can give my kids more good than bad.  But as with other things that’s easier said than done.  I look at my everyday behavior and I sure don’t think it.  I don’t think I’m all that good of a father.  I’m a provider and I spend time with them and love them, but I don’t think I’m all that good at it.  The only thing I know I’m good at is drinking.  At that, I’m a pro.  Top 5 world ranking prolly.  I hear stories of folks not being able to hold their liquor and I just think to myself, “amateurs”.

So anyway, I’m forcing myself to go to church this morning. I usually wouldn’t, but I need some human interaction today.  Go to class, start helping out with the A/V stuff for the service.  I recently volunteered to do this as a way for me to stay for service with my wife and kids.  Normally we’ll take separate cars and I’ll leave after class, then we’ll meet later or not for lunch.  This is also something I need to get better at.  I need to become a better husband to my wife, and a better father to my kids.

My wife and I aren’t doing that great.  twice in the last 3 months she’s thrown her hands up and been ready to pack up her stuff and the kids and leave me.  Like, the D word leave.  I love them so much but I don’t show it enough I guess.  Or I just don’t show it in the way my wife would like it to be shown.  [not making excuses, but…] I know what I know of being a father from mine, and he from his.  From all accounts my grandfather was not a father.  My dad has struggled with it also.  To hear my mom tell it, my dad was never a father either.

I don’t want to be like that.  That said, I’ll prolly go to church this morning, get some interaction, then come home and start drinking.  At least maybe I’ll go ride beachside somewhere,  I know a great trail out there and I could just spend the afternoon riding.  Try out my new mod’d camelback too.  I’ve got it modified from its original configuration of 70oz and a second big compartment for storage, to the 70 oz plus another 100oz in another reservoir.  I can ride for awhile on that.  and stop and refill.

we’ll see.

~ by sobriety6923 on June 20, 2010.

2 Responses to “It’s Father’s Day”

  1. Happy Father’s Day and find some one today who could use a hand and then offer him yours. just don’t spend the day alone is my opinion.

  2. Thanks. The day actually turned out not being too bad. Ended up going on a nice 30 mile bike ride along the beach, great scenery. Went to church in the morning, had a good class, then helped with the A/V stuff during the service for the first time, then came home and had a nice lunch, nap, then ride. Got to see the fam on the webcam that night too so it was ok. aaaand [careful here comes the realization] I only drank a little a lunch. after the ride I was just too tired to drink.

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