Insanity


“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results” – Rita Mae Brown, OR, Albert Einstein, OR, Ben Franklin; depending on which flavor Kool Aid you like.

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Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his liquor drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death. – Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Page 30, lines 1 – 6

<holy shit, ANOTHER instance of 19; 3+0+16 = 19; [LINK: Mercy & Compassion much?] No?>

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You’ll know you’re getting old when “I just can’t drink like I used to” replaces “I’LL NEVER.DRINK THAT MUCH.AGAIN.”

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And now to lighten the mood a smidge, a musical interlude.

Completely unrelated, just had the song going through my head this morning

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Family’s back from their visit to my wife’s dad. Thank You God. Now I can put my safety back in place and drink less. Why do I need them to be here to drink less? I really need to look into having a backup safety in place. I have folks I can call and talk to, but I’m unwilling as of yet. Dumbass. Yup.

I keep drinking and expecting a different result. If anything, the results are getting worse. I can’t even drink the same amount I used to anymore. And when I do, I feel great during, but the after effects are magnified like a mofo. And I keep expecting they won’t be. Drinking nowadays causes the following: chest pain, left arm pain, nausea (esp right after eating), heart racing (tachycardia?), feeling like my heart’s going to jump out of my chest while at rest, less endurance/easier fatigue, tingling in my left and sometimes right arm, etc, etc, etc….And I keep expecting these symptoms will go away.

I’ve had my heart checked out, no blockages. From what I can surmise from the internet (it takes a village to raise a child, a global, internet google filled village), the drinking causes inflammation in the arteries which somehow restricts bloodflow which of course causes the symptoms mentioned above. I went on a bender last Friday night. 5 nights ago. I tried to get up and mow the lawn the next morning. Couldn’t finish. Almost didn’t bike hash that night, and obtw, I was one of the hares so it was my sponstility to be there and help out with laying of trail. Was completely exhausted by the end, almost didn’t finish. And then I had to run circle. Missed church the next morning. Feel like I’m still recovering. Kept drinking all weekend. Had only 2 beers last night before the fam came home and I FELT.LIKE.KA-KA. For unlawful carnal knowledge.

When I don’t drink, I don’t have any of the above mentioned symptoms. You would think I’d draw the logical conclusion not to drink anymore. No. Nope, apparently too stupid to do that. Smart enough to know better but dumb enough not to care much? Yup. I look at other people drink and I’m jealous they can. I can’t drink anymore. Let me say that again: I CAN’T DRINK ANYMORE. Crying/whining/sniffing: i can’t drink anymore.

This is something I know. This is something I have not accepted. What level of pain and discomfort am I willing to subject myself to in order to keep drinking? Like page 30 lines 1-6 says, “into the gates of insanity or death”. Ya, prolly. Without help anyway. Help’s available man, just go get it. Fuckit. Help? I don’t need no stinkin help.

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~ by sobriety6923 on June 30, 2010.

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