Remembrance (stepping outside myself)

You were supposed to remember how this felt. Remember way back in January when this shit landed us in the hospital? No? dumbass. It’s worse now. The chest and arm pains are one thing, but the nausea after you eat….the fatigue, how fucking stupid are you? Ya, that’s what I thought. I thought that was why you started this blog in the first place, to document this kind of shit so you’d remember it and not do it again. Well, mission half accomplished anyway.

You can’t drink anymore. You can’t drink anymore. You can’t drink anymore. How many fucking times do I have to drill this into your stupid fucking thick skull? Our body is screaming at us, and you don’t hear it until it’s too late. Our body communicates things going wrong by making us feel bad. That’s the language brother. Speaky Engrish? Non’? how bout pain? That’s about what we’re getting. Even later if we start feeling better, and this becomes a distant memory, you’re going to try to do this again aren’t you? Oh, you say you’ll remember, but I know us better than that. You better just let me drive from now on dipshit.

IF…IF, we make it out of this feeling better, do not ever again do this to us. You’re a stupid fucking idiot. You’re even stupider if you think you can ever do this again. You hate yourself, you want to kill yourself. STFU…S..T…F…U!!!! Well, now we’re here, you tried again, and look at where we’re at. You can’t catch our breath just sitting here doing nothing. After a meal we feel like we’re going to hurl. We could spend the rest of the day in bed and be fine with it. Idiot. You really do want our kids to grow up without us don’t you? No? well, that’s how you’re acting dipshit. Almost a week now since the bender and we’re still feeling like shit. If we make it out of this alive, I swear I’m going to kick our ass. Fucker.

We feel a little better today than we did yesterday. Hopefully that will continue. We don’t have time to go to the hospital again, put our wife through all that worry. Just because of something stupid you’ve done. We had better get healthier and fix this. If we don’t, and this is the start of the long term effects or even dying, we deserve to go to hell for a life wasted.

And don’t even start in on me with the “well, where were you during it” shit. You know as well as I do that hindsight is 20/20 and I only come out after the fact. You’re supposed to learn from me, but you haven’t obviously. You want me to drive all the time? fine, I’m here now. Maybe I’ll stay awhile and get this boat turned back around. You just go over in the corner and sit the fuck down, and shut the fuck up. I’m in control now.


~ by sobriety6923 on July 1, 2010.

4 Responses to “Remembrance (stepping outside myself)”

  1. Just like twitter, I’m following you, and praying for us too.

  2. two things-

    activated charcoal tablets.

    what a wonderful thing that you can gain new perspective in this manner. best of luck, really.

  3. Why do we do this to ourselves? Rhetorical question…

  4. thanks everybody for your comments. I’m still feeling a little better everyday, but I still don’t feel right. I’ve obviously arrived at or past some sort of tipping point with my body. I can’t drink anymore. I can’t drink anymore. I can’t drink anymore. fuck.

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