One More Day. still alive.

hard to believe the day I’ve been obsessing over is only one day away.  5 months ago I wasn’t sure I’d make it.  1 month ago I was sure I wouldn’t.  Today, I’m sure I will.

Sober for 30 days today.  I think there’s a chip for that in AA.  or maybe it’s 90 days.  I don’t remember, haven’t been to a meeting in awhile.  full disclosure: I had 3 beers last saturday.  that’s all I’ve had in 30 days. now, you purists out there will say “well that doesn’t count, you drank”, and to that I’d say FUCK YOU, this is my blog and if I say I’ve been sober 30 days then i have.  3oz of alcohol in 30 days compared to the old norm of easily 300oz in 30 days….?  ya, I’ll take it.

now, how to celebrate….we can go get drunk now to celebrate right?  no, dumbass, go back to the corner, I’m still driving.  I don’t know what I want to do for my birthday.  dinner out?  movie?  meh.  maybe take the kids to the park friday night and watch them play for awhile.  there’s a nice park at the beach we haven’t been to in awhile we could go to.

Had a thought this morning.  Let’s assume that every person is capable of only a finite amount of love. or compassion, or caring, or whatever.  I’m thinking a lot of the reason I’ve been so apathetic about everything else in my life for the last 12 years besides drinking is because I spent so much of my love on alcohol, to the point there was barely, and frequently not enough left for the other MORE IMPORTANT PARTS of my life.  wife?kids?self?  imagine a pie chart where 99% is reserved for love allocated to booze, then the other 1% is split between EVERY.OTHER.ASPECT.OF.LIFE.  yup, that’s me.

~ by sobriety6923 on July 22, 2010.

6 Responses to “One More Day. still alive.”

  1. OK, for all the other good stuff that’s in this post, why am I stuck on the three beer thingy? I mean 3 beers in 30 days, and you said it was 3oz. What, you can buy 1oz. cans of beer where you live?

  2. Very proud of your 30days! So hopeful that you stay focused on the sobriety path. A very happy birthday to you for tomorrow!
    I realize you had the 3 beers, my gut tells me “oh no” but it was a small drink compared to what you would normally consume. A small drink, so to speak. I compare this to someone on a diet eating a large order or french fries! You know you shouldn’t but you did and you will be back on the diet with even more focus in the next coming days.
    As far as your ability to love is concerned, I can see where your focus for so long has been on the alcohol and its effects to take you away from whatever was going on that you didn’t want to deal with. I know that you can love! It will come when you continue to love yourself and take care of yourself and then you will take care of those around you too.

    • I have a very specific memory of my last year of college at UF. I was staying in an apartment by myself and my dad had come to visit. We were down by the pool hanging out and a party was going on. We were drinking and he had drunk a bunch of Corona’s. Conversation turned to how much we were all drinking and he made a comment to the effect of “these are like Kool Aid” wrt all the beers consumed. I didn’t realize it then, and he’s since admitted as much, but ya, he’s an alcoholic too, and I’m at where he was at. 3 beers? Psshhh, that’s nothing. Hardly even a buzz. But to a first timer, that would lay ’em out.

      It’s all perspective I guess.

  3. Happy Birthday. You made it, and you’ll make many more.

  4. thanks becky. you get the gold star for being the first hbd wish I’ve received today. thank you.

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