A Fool’s Promise

had a couple drinks last night.  thought i would reward myself for making it through the weekend with the family. IT WASN’T WORTH IT.  Promised myself I’d do something for myself after the weekend.  We went to a family reunion, visited family on both sides, stopped at my alma matter and looked around campus, the football stadium, shopped, etc….all of which is just a hoot dragging young kids along with.  Instead of having a drink to do something for myself I should’ve just gone ahead and bought myself the new fancy schmancy tires for my mt bike I’ve been eyeing.

and my wife, god bless her, she tried to talk me down, but I again used her own stress against her b/c I knew she really wanted a drink too after the weekend we had just to unwind and get ready for going back to “real life”.

I guess I have this mechanism within me, that even tho I no longer really have a real “craving” for alcohol, I still have the thought every once in awhile of “oh god I could have a drink”.  It’s more mental than any real physical bodily craving.  and this morning, I slept in, I have a headache, and I regret having the drink(s).  For the record, I had 1 double of Jack, and 1 double of Raspberry Smirnoff.  Sure it was good at the time, but I didn’t have to do it.  I didn’t need it, but I talked myself, and then my wife into doing it.  FAIL.

Still Learning.  I told myself I wouldn’t drink until my next doctor’s appointment.  Well I fucked that up.  I told myself I wouldn’t drink anymore.  Well I fucked that up.  It’s not that I’ve fallen off the wagon I guess, rather dangling my leg off the side and getting it caught up in the wagon wheel spokes.

It’s like I have to check back in occasionally to make sure I still don’t want any.  Like, are you sure?  How about now?  How about now?  I feel like the the guy in the Verizon commercial.  Instead of “Can you hear me now?”, it’s “You wanna drink now?  how bout now?, etc…” The good news is I’ve checked and I don’t want any more.  The bad news is I still have that hook in my mind that thinks it still needs to check.

Getting sober isn’t just a thing where one day you flip a switch and you never have to worry about it again.  It requires constant vigilance for the rest.of.your.life.

and an aside….went to church at my wife’s old hometown church sunday, and the preacher said something that caught my ear.  It was something along the lines of “apathy and lack of faith are due to not studying the word and knowing the word.  basically lack of faith stems from lack of knowing”.  Well ya, I get that.  But of course my cynical mind immediately turned it around into something more along the lines of “the more you drink the kool aid, the more you believe”, which is prolly not the intended point of the message.


~ by sobriety6923 on September 7, 2010.

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