I Find Your Lack of Faith Disturbing

….I find my resolve waning.

I’m already setting myself up to fail, b/c I don’t have my head on straight. Red Dress Bike Hash this weekend. Everybody wears Red Dresses, men included, and we go hash.

Some history of the Red Dress Hash: http://half-mind.com/Hashing/who.php#14

This hash more than others is a glorified pub crawl. I started with “I’ll go to this and I won’t drink”. That evolved to “well I’ll go and just drink a little”; to “well I’ll just have one drink at each stop”; to “ya I’m gonna get drunk, I deserve it, I’ve earned it, to hell with it”.


Hey, I could just not go and not to have to worry about it….

But a real warrior never quits!; don’t worry master I’ll never quit!

There is now a level 0 panda

Hey, I could just go for a ride Sunday afternoon by myself instead of the hash, that’d be fun. I could do any number of chores around the house and not drink. I could do any number of activities and not drink. I know these things, but still I find myself not caring b/c deep down no matter how long I abstain that voice will always be there, chiding me for not drinking; always asking “why”; always ready to seep and slither through any miniscule crack in the armor.

There’s an evil voice at the front of my thoughts telling me I won’t be able to do it.

I put my chances at 50/50 right now. We’ll see how they improve or degrade.


~ by sobriety6923 on September 16, 2010.

One Response to “I Find Your Lack of Faith Disturbing”

  1. I find your lack of faith in yourself, well, shit!! You are setting yourself up to fail by predicting that you’ll drink. Stop predicting the worse which will only make it happen and start setting the scene to succeed! Tell someone that you hash with that your goal is not to drink and let them guide you along. If that’s not a possibility, will it kill you to skip the event? It may kill you to go! Just a thought!

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