Addiction is not unlike Paradox


Or irony I guess.

I KNOW bad things will happen if I continue to drink.

I KNOW my life is better without drinking.

I KNOW every single part of my life is better without drinking.

I KNOW I still want to drink.

Fahck.

I mentioned in a previous post that this fall, September, in particular was going to be a challenge for me.  Football season, family trips, family reunion, did I mention football season?

Thus far I have not had the opportunity to go watch a game at my friend’s house.  You know the one, the SCF (single childless fuck) with the 60” and the surround sound. In years past I’d go watch games at his place and have a 6 pack or 3.  Chill, scream my head off, relive MY SCF days.  I have an opp this Saturday night to go over and watch the Florida/Alabammer game.

There’s a war going on in my head.  There’s the ya just go and have a good time, soberly mind you voice; more like a whisper.  Then there’s the MUCH LOUDER voice screaming “GO, DRINK, HAVE FUN, YOU’VE EARNED IT, WHY NOT, IT WON’T MATTER!!!!”.  Not even a few beers?  Really?  1 six pack Saturday night at a friend’s house?  WhyTF not?!?!  Ummm, fatty liver, feeding the monkey on your back it gets bigger the more you feed it, re-awakening of the cravings (whotf cares, you’ve got cravings anyway, may as well just give in), chest pains, shortness of breath, high blood pressure, ALD. You know, just standard don’t give a shit type stuff.

I’ve got not drinking at home fairly down pat, as long as there’s no liquor in the house.  Resolve erodes quickly if there is.

I’ve got not drinking at the restaurant down fairly good.

I’ve got not drinking when we go visit the family down.

I’ve got not drinking on hashes down fairly well’ishnessnot.

I’ve got not getting jealous when my wife drinks in front of me fairly down pat.

It still remains to be seen how sober I will choose (b/c it’s a choice, it’s not like I’m powerless I can if I want to) to stay the next time the fam leaves me alone to go visit away somewhere.  Meetings everyday anyone?

It still remains to be seen how I’ll do going over to my friends house.

Even tho I know that continuing to drink will kill me, I must everyday CHOOSE to not drink.  Because I’m Good Enough, I’m Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!

….aaaand I still want to.

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~ by sobriety6923 on September 29, 2010.

3 Responses to “Addiction is not unlike Paradox”

  1. Not to patronize you or anything, I know you’re an extremely intelligent dude, but this whole dilemma you’re having is as old as dirt. I know I shouldn’t FILL IN THE BLANK but I really wanna FILL IN THE BLANK. Why can’t I FILL IN THE BLANK like other people?

    You are going to have to hit rock bottom before the desire to drink (that’s your BLANK) goes away. That’s all there is to it. The pain of drinking will have to outweigh the pain of not drinking before you will change your mindset.

    What’s your rock bottom? The wife threatening to leave hasn’t done the trick. Maybe her actually leaving (with the kids) and being served cold, hard divorce papers will be your rock bottom.

    (and btw, I need to make a point here that’s slightly off topic, so perhaps that’s better placed in an email??) (please advise)

    Maybe landing in the hospital with a serious life-threatening illness will be rock bottom for you. The last hospital stay obviously wasn’t long enough, painful enough, or scary enough.

    Maybe losing your job? I dunno what your personal rock bottom is.

    What I do know is that this disease is PROGRESSIVE and it COMPOUNDS, like a great interest rate. It gets a little worse every day.

    Even if your health/emotional well-being/resolve/brain cells/liver function only decline let’s say 2% a year…. you do the math. You’re okay right now, you’ll likely be okay in five years, ten years….. but do the math!!! There will come a point when it’s too late. You’ll either be divorced, disabled, or dead.

    And the brain cell comment isn’t a joke. I watched my brother’s mental status DECLINE. Near the end he couldn’t balance a checkbook. Not only were his hands shaking so bad, his brain just couldn’t compute anymore. He was only 51 when he died.

    And as the years go by, what’s appalling to you now, because of the erosion of brain cells, isn’t so appalling any more. Your personal standards for what’s acceptable behavior decline.

    Right now for you, the DESIRE for the DRINK outweighs the PAIN. How much PAIN will it take to wipe out the DESIRE? Only you know the answer to that.

  2. Hey, is that you in the pic? great to have a face with the name.

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