Baby Steps RE: The Rapist

I’ve seen her a few times now.  first was the meet’n greet, then the relapse signs, then the self loathing examination.  The examination was kind of fun.  We did a whole charades type thing where she went behind her desk and pulled out a bottle of Maker’s (empty of course) but she brought out the good stuff for the exercise.  The intent of the exercise was for “drunk” me to have a conversation with “sober” me and argue back and forth about why I drink, why haven’t I stopped etc…

she kept asking me how I felt, and in true engineering fashion all I could come up with was not what I felt but rather what I was thinking.  The apathy continues.  I felt more frustration than anything I guess, because I couldn’t really come up with an emotion.  I think she was trying to get me to feel shame, and realize that’s why I was avoiding having feelings about it.

every time I go she says the same thing to me: are you drinking? are you going to meetings?  have you thought any more about rehab? to which I reply sometimes, no, and not yet.  tho, after yesterday’s meeting I stopped and got a big book and started reading it, and I also looked a little into rehab.

baby steps.  one other thing she mentioned – the path to recovery and the timeline is different for everyone.  where I’m at right now is that I’m convinced I can control my drinking.  (well whiskey tango foxtrot what have I been doing lately other than controlling it?) but the thing is….the danger and temptation is always there until you change your mindset.  Denial.  We talked about denial a lot too.  what’s that river in egypt?  you know, the big one?

I think she thinks she’s going to run me off.  not a chance.  I can also add two new names that she’s called me, three really if you count the part where she was playing the sober me in the role playing.

– narcissistic

– silver tongued devil

– fucking stupid (her as sober me)

not a chance she’s gonna run me off.  this is too fun.


~ by sobriety6923 on October 7, 2010.

3 Responses to “Baby Steps RE: The Rapist”

  1. Shall we play a game?? That’s my first thought. You’re having fun while those around you think you’re at Defcon 5.

    Why is everyone dancing around the salad bar? Why not dive into the meat & potatoes??

    Dig deep, Mr. Hasher. Don’t make The Rapist do cartwheels behind her desk trying to get through to you. Open up to her!! Let it out!! Cry, scream, punch the pillows on the couch!! You’re not gonna shock her.

    Get to the root!! Alcoholics start out by innocently SELF-MEDICATING!!! Their DNA takes it to the next step. Why are you self-medicating? Figure it out!!

    Let her in. Let her do her job. Maybe you can avoid an inpatient stay if you do the work NOW.

  2. how about a nice game of chess? no, I want to play global thermo nuclear war.

  3. if it really was an innocent start with self medicating then I spose it would be in college when I was getting my ass handed to me by the engineering classes. up studying all night, had to have coffee to study, then was too wired to go to sleep. And so the cycle of uppers and downers began. that’s my excuse anyway. then it just became habit.

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