A Higher Power


I’m up to Ch 4 or 5 now of the Big Book. It’s a slow process. It’s just such a chore to sit down and read a book. I’d do much better if I had it online or on my phone. Maybe. And maybe it’s out there online, but I’ve been too lazy thus far to look it up.

holy crap, there it is: Big Book Online

Anyway, I’m in the part where it’s starting to talk about the higher power stuff. Step 1 of AA I think is accepting you have no power over alcohol and step 2 is giving it over to your higher power.

1. Fuck that, I’m not powerless

2. Fuck that, I’m not ready to give it over to anyone, anything, or anybody.

3. Fuck It. I’m at least at the point now where I accept there is a higher power.

I’m still not sure about what my higher power is tho. If it’s the Christian God and Jesus, great. If it’s something else, great. I want there to be a point to life and all this mess but I can’t see it. But so what if I can’t. Even if I could, would it change anything? I’d still have to go about my daily life, the world would continue to spin, the sun would continue to shine, etc, etc…

Growing up, my mom (as is likely the case for a lot of families) was the one that kept us going to church every Sunday.

My dad never really liked going to church, but his reason was completely different from mine. Whereas I can’t really resolve the truth in my head about what’s real and what’s just a bunch of stories meticulously handed down for generations over; his problem was perception of other people. He’d sit there in church and look at people he knew damn well that were sinnin it up during the week and then coming to church “pretending” to be all holy and whatnot in his mind. Sorry dad, but that’s just fucking stupid.

<hash song interlude> YOU’RE STUPID YOU’RE STUPID YOU’RE REALLY FUCKING DUMB IF IT WASN’T FOR YOUR MOTHER YOU’D BE A STAIN OF…. </end of hash song interlude>

What the fuck does it matter what other people do? worry about what you can control. You. Don’t worry about other people’s pious or hypocritical behavior, worry about your own. <steps down off soapbox, looks in mirror, cries/laughs maniacally>

Ok, so, baby steps. there’s a power higher than myself in this universe. Yes, I accept that. Now, which flavor? Whotf knows. Just try to live right, help others, surround yourself with good godlike people and try to learn by osmosis. Worship whomever/whatever just by doing that.

They who lay down with dogs get fleas and all that.

Keep tryin to drink that kool aid man.

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~ by sobriety6923 on October 20, 2010.

2 Responses to “A Higher Power”

  1. OK, finally hers the truth. I drink just like you do…that’s why I read you. I’m so tired of this,and maybe I’m not. I still drink.

  2. Hey! I know that you are trying to seperate church and science and whatever as well as trying to find something or someone to have faith in. What about yourself?? Yes, continue to ponder your religious questions in an attempt to find whatever higher power works for you right now but always have faith in yourself as well as gold yourself accountable for your actions!

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