On The Cusp


How many orderlies you think it would take to subdue me if I got unruly? 2? 4? Let’s say 4, all as big as me. Maybe. Fuck you motherfuckers, make you earn your pay today.

I am on the verge of taking the 2nd step towards putting myself in rehab. The first step I spose was going to the rapist and having her tell me as much, then letting it marinate for awhile.

All the things she’s said to me are having a cumulative effect; and it’s a good thing. I’m white knuckling it. People like me have a low tolerance for emotional pain and tend to self medicate. I’m narcissistic, a silver tongued devil full of bullshit. I’m arrogant. I’m so in denial I can’t even realize I’m in denial. My life has become unmanageable. I can rationalize all I want that I’m managing it, but I’m not. I have my fam, I have my job, but the job is the last thing to go. I spose the fam wouldn’t be too far out in front of it.

Arrogant? Check

Narcissistic? Yup

Silver tongued devil? Can’t bullshit a bullshitter, or the rapist for that matter

Self medicate? Oh fuck yes

Low tolerance for emotional pain – ya I can see that

White knuckling it – at first I didn’t really understand what she meant by this, but I’ve had a revelation of sorts with it. I was pondering it one day when a thought occurred to me “it’s never going to go away is it?”. The craving, the want and need to drink is never going to go away. And as long as I handle it myself, don’t get help, “white knuckle” it, it’s always going to be there waiting and offering itself with little whispers that it will make everything all better and I’ll have to always stand watch and be constantly vigilant over it MYSELF. Well what if I get tired of fighting? I think we know the answer to that. We all know the little whispers are a lie, but we continue to want to buy into them.

…and now for the rationalization. My new favorite word. NOT.

I’ve at least bought the AA big book. Made it to about chapter 6, but haven’t picked it up in a week.

I’ve looked into rehab facilities a little, but haven’t made the free screening call.

I’ve emailed my HR rep to see how it would work if I went to rehab; however, I was deliberately vague and now she wants me to call. I hate talking to people….why can’t I just fucking email you and get the details?

So here’s the things on my to do list:

– Talk to HR and find out how rehab would work into my benefits (short term disability, paid time off, what?)

– Make the call to the rehab center and do the screening; find out what a program would be like and what the point would be.

– Call the insurance to see how it would work. I think they cover inpatient 90% but I also have a $1k out of pocket max for the calendar year. Well, I’m near that already with the chest pains fiasco back in February, but it’ll reset in Jan ’11? Ya, but if I go to rehab now, I’ll miss the holidays with my family. But if I wait till after, the out of pocket will reset. And I don’t know if I CAN wait till after. I don’t want to be away from my family for a whole month, much less miss the fucking holidays!

Was having a conversation with my wife over the weekend and somehow it came up “how I see the world” which is of course everything sucks, everything is a chore, there’s nothing to look forward to, and everything is going to end badly. Without drinking. I imagine most drunks have this view and that’s why they keep going back to the well. Family’s not enough, kids aren’t enough, etc… <insert comedic interlude> you know that game where you listen to a tv show or the radio or something and you add “in bed” to everything they say? Ya, just do that “with drinking”. </end of interlude> but anyway, she says something to the effect of “I can’t imagine looking at the world how you look at it, it must be so depressing”. Yup, got that right. But if I keep my expectations low I’ll never be disappointed, and if I keep everyone at arm’s reach they can’t hurt me; and if I don’t care about anything then I won’t be hurt (low tolerance for emotional pain much? Bueller?) oh ya, one other thing the rapist said to me: I’m a coward.

Well since you put it that way….ya I guess so.

And another thing the rapist said to me: you’re on the edge of a cliff. You’re about to the point where you’re going to lose it all. Family, job, LIFE. She even half heartedly threatened to have me committed if I wouldn’t do it myself. Would I rather tell all my friends and family I went to rehab because I was brave enough to recognize a problem and do something about it; rather than have it come out I was committed because I was a fucking lunatic? Her words. I think I love her. Heh heh heh. This is the kind of treatment and rough handling apparently I desire.

So I’m either on the edge of a cliff and about to fall down the mountain, or I’m gonna jump on Spock with his rocket boots and jet off to a safer place. Hopefully won’t exceed the max weight limit.

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~ by sobriety6923 on November 3, 2010.

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