Jokes


I feel like lightening the mood a little. Below are some of my favorite jokes that I’ve heard over the years, that just come to me depending on everyday situations I’m in. For instance, I am moved into the 2nd floor of a new office space at work and was just having a conversation with a coworker about how the floor seems to shake the same regardless of the size of the person walking down the hall. The conversation turned to how the Civil Engineer that designed the building must’ve been bad. That in turn led me to…..

What’s the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

ME’s build bombs, CE’s build targets

How do you know that God was a Civil Engineer?

Only a CE would lay an industrial waste line right next to a Recreational area (think about it, you’ll get it)

But I’ve got lots of’em, let’s see how many I can think of.

What’s the last thing you ever hear a redneck say?

Hey ya’ll, watch this!

What’s the difference between Barnum & Bailey’s circus and Playboy magazine?

One’s a cunning array of stunts, and the other, well….

<It’s surprisingly hard to think of these off the top of my head, even tho they come to me out of nowhere when I’m in an appropriate situation for the joke.>

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, “Me want coffee. The waiter says, “Sure chief, coming right up.” He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one
gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, “Me want coffee. The waiter says, “Whoa, Tonto. We’re still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway?”
“Me in training for management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot shit, and disappear for rest of day”.

How can you tell a blonde has been sitting at your computer? There’s whiteout on the screen.

How can you tell another blonde was there after the first? There’s writing on the whiteout

I’ll add more later when I can think of them, as they occur to me. Feel free to leave your favorites in the comments.

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty
Badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body,
So they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.

Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the
Sheet, Daryl said, “Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better
Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, “Nope,
ain’t Bubba.” The mortician thought that was rather strange.

Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took
A look at the body and said, “Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll
Him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No,
It ain’t Bubba.” The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Gomer said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”

“What? He had two assholes?!” said the mortician.

Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes.
Every time we went to town, folks would say,
“Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.”

A couple of buddies were out hunting when one had to take a piss.  So he saunters over to a tree and whips it out and is doing his business when all of a sudden a rattler snake jumps up and bites him right on the tip of his wang.  He starts screaming and his buddy runs over to see what is wrong.  They decide the buddy will run back to town and find a doc and see what to do to save him.

He goes to town and finds a doc, and the doc says the only way to save his snake bitten buddy is to suck the poison out with his mouth.  So the buddy runs back to where his buddy is, still holding his snake bitten dick and of course he’s very anxious what his buddy has found out.  So he tells him “sorry man, doc says you’re gonna die”.

U2 was at a concert in Glasgow where Bono stopped the show in the middle of a song and started clapping his hands and said: “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies”.  He kept doing this for awhile and of course the audience was growing weary of it. Now, Bono is an outspoken activist for many humanitarian organizations, but this being Scotland of course, one of the saltier fellows in the audience finally stood up and screamed in a heavy accent “Well, stop yer clapping then ye evil bastahrd!”


This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy
aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio
conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on
10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

Canadians:  Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid collision.

Americans:  Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.

Canadians:  Negative.  You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:  This is the Captain of a US Navy ship.  I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians:  No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans:  THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET.  WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE  DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT  VESSELS.  I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15  DEGREES
NORTH–I SAY AGAIN, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH–OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians:  This is a lighthouse.  Your call.

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~ by sobriety6923 on November 4, 2010.

4 Responses to “Jokes”

  1. LOVE IT!

  2. Glad to hear you are laughing or at least thinking about it!

  3. Here’s one that falls into the “you gotta live it to get it” category.

    How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?
    One, and the whole world revolves around him.

    Rock on!!

  4. Quality content is the main to attract the people to visit the website,
    that’s what this site is providing.

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