It’ll be obvious (Laid Off day whatever)

actually, I think today is about 3 wks. or 4 wks.  who the fuck cares at this point.

I’m up in the 30’s now with job applications/resumes sent out to networks etc…I’ve got 3, count’em, 3 leads.  none of them exactly what I want but beggars don’t get to be choosers.

sitting here early in the morning taking a quick break from getting the family out the door.  <back in a few>

ok, back.  man, it’s a whuppin getting them out the door.  god bless my wife for doing that everyday.  If I was doing it, it’d be hella different, but it’s her thing, so it’s her thing.  I don’t even really want to broach the subject of changing the morning routine, b/c I don’t want to step on her toes.

I’ve been drinking.  weekends, here and there, not every night falling down drunk, but I would if I let myself.  yay for small victories.  I’m not really sure whether I’m more afraid of having to go live somewhere by myself b/c my safety would be gone (family keeps me from drinking, but causes it too), or b/c I’m afraid of my wife having to deal with the kids all day every day by herself.  mostly I’m just afraid.  Afraid of the reasons mentioned, afraid of making the wrong choice.  I long ago surpassed my parents as wisdom givers.  Rarely do I go to them for advice on anything anymore.  but I did in this instance, and their wisdom was pretty much useless or along the lines of something I had already thought of myself.  Even my father in law was pretty much useless “just pray about it”.  yaaa….no.

but I spose I’m most afraid of making the wrong choice.  It’s not like my life is on that stable of ground anyway.  alkie, marriage hanging on by a thread, in therapy, daughter’s in therapy too, etc, etc….

It’s actually the daughter’s rapist that is the inspiration for this post.  was talking with her after picking up my daughter from her session yesterday, and we got to talking, she was asking how things were going, so I mentioned my fear about being afraid of the wrong choice; to which she replied “it’ll be obvious, you’ll just know”.  as in god will make it obvious to you which path he has chosen for you. god I wish I had faith like that.

now, this also brings up another interesting point.  god making it obvious to me will be completely over your head, and vice versa I spose.  things that would make the choice obvious to you would be completely over my head.  for instance, early in my career i was taking an interview trip from my first job to what was to become my second, and upon taking off on the first leg of the airplane trip, there was a rainbow I saw out the window, and took it as a good omen.  well, i got that job and have taken rainbow’s as good omens ever since.  if you’ve been here long enough you also know I take 19 pretty seriously. so these are markers I would watch for but they could be right in your face and you wouldn’t put much stock in them most likely.

so I’ve just got to keep working, until I hit upon what feels obvious I guess.

but i have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.


~ by sobriety6923 on November 30, 2010.

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