The Post with No Name


well here we are kiddos.  I’m all by my lonesome.  I can tell you this: It sucks coming home to an empty house/apt/whatever.  It really is true that you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.

For the longest time I wanted this. God I wanted this.  I could taste it I wanted it so bad.  Freedom.  Solitude, just me and the mountains.  go wherever I want do whatever I wanted and don’t have to take care of anybody or anything but me.  The thing about your dreams?….they don’t take into account reality.  Ya, you dream about making that sweet climb up the mountain trail to go bombing down, and that dream is great.  But, what you didn’t dream of was the empty house when you got back and no kids to love on or play with, and no wife to hugnkiss after a day at the office.  Course, for the longest time my good friends Jack, Jose, Jim, Mr Smirnoff and a host of others were there to replace the fam.  didn’t need ’em, had all I ever wanted right in my hands and sliding down my throat.  no more.

fam left saturday.  went and got myself a bookshelf stereo after they left for the apt, then had dinner and drinks with a lady from work and her husband.  They’re mtbr’s like me.  So we made plans to ride on sunday and she took me out to this area that had a good loop of gravel road b/c the trails were too wet from the snow and rain.  5 mile climb and 4 mile downhill bomb.  good times.  kicked my ass.  sunday got up and did chores before heading out for the ride instead of going and introducing myself around at the church I had planned to attend prior to realizing it’s like 30 minutes away.  fahck.  the lady and I had mohican (mexican) after the ride at this place her and her friends always go to.  Yup, I’ve got a new mohican place to take the fam to when they come back.  damn it was good.  3pm on a sunday afternoon and it was packed.  sunday night came back to the pad and putzed around, then had a good bit of Jack to finish left over from New Year’s Eve.

yes I’ve been drinking. no I’m not lying.

here and there and everywhere

I don’t know what I was thinking

b/c today I felt like fucking dying.

dipshit.  yup.  FAIL.

no more of that shit.  it’s out of the house now.  still haven’t bothered to find a meeting to go to.  It’s on the list.  Today was the first “workday”  by myself.  went in this morning, worked, came home.  empty house.  I’ve mentioned I came home to an empty house and it sucked right? I’ve mentioned that?  good.  tuck that away, it’s gonna come up again.

tonight, I have no earthly desire to drink.  Last night I had already gotten started after the ride, then figured what the hell, let’s kill the Jack and be done with it.  ya, I know.  rationalization much?

Still working that second step tho.  no, not really.  but done with the first step so yay me.  I am powerless over alcohol.  I’m good with admitting that.  I’m still slowly coming around to the higher power shit tho.  not gonna press it, just gonna let it come, like the first step.

just gotta keep in mind that I’m building a new life here.  not just that it’s being away from the fam, but that I’m preparing the way for them to come later.  maybe.  I was doing really good there for awhile with the whole “it’s god’s path for you” and whatnot.  now, a couple days into being by myself, I’m not so sure anymore.  But even Jesus cried out at one point “must it be this way” or some such thing. I find myself wracked with doubt.

soldier on tho.  just keep keepin on.  miles to go before i sleep.

gotta be there and watch the kids grow up and guide them. no more of this selfish don’t care bullshit.  I will master this lesson and be better prepared for the rest of my life.

thank you god for my blessings and challenges.

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~ by sobriety6923 on January 3, 2011.

3 Responses to “The Post with No Name”

  1. Dude, I think God has you exactly where He wants you. You asked Him, what’s the plan, man? THIS is the plan. You, alone. You with not much support. You with lots of dangerous free time.

    God is telling you that NOW IS THE TIME to face those demons. When it’s just you, Him, and the bottle. I think we all figured you’d drink after the fam left. I mean let’s be realistic.

    So, you got that out of your system. He’s glad it hurt. Or your Guardian Angels or whoever TruRojo was referring to months ago. Your spiritual guides are smiling.

    I bet for YOU to get better, God knew that you had to do it alone. No kids around to frustrate you and then you drink to get rid of it and then it’s justified. No wife around who’s PMSing and won’t give you any nookie and then you drink to get rid of it and then it’s justified. NOPE. It’s you and you alone.

    God is throwing you out there to face your demons by yourself so that when you come out the other side a better man, it will be YOUR accomplishment, YOUR win. Your’s alone.

    Demons, meet Mr. Mountain Biker. Mr. Mountain Biker, meet your demons. You invited them in. Just let them know that YOU’RE the boss, kick their ass to the door, find yourself some sober friends to hang with. Time moves quickly and *poof* before you know it, you’re reunited with the fam. You can do it!!

  2. I really do love your comments and unique experience on the subject. post, post, post away mare.

  3. Thanks for posting this great article!

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