This Is a Glimpse Jack

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y’know, I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again.  For the longest time I wanted this.  what I’m living right now.  alone.  all the free time I can handle.  no worries about upset tummies or he’s hitting me, or can you just watch the kids for a bit while I take a break or go shopping without them.  I wanted this so bad.
All I can think of everywhere I go is “oh I remember being here with them doing that while they were here”.   It sucks coming home to an empty apartment.
I like it here fine enough, and the new job is fine, and the people are fine, and everything is fine.  Except that my family’s not here.  I hate not being with my family.
Wait.  who are you, and what did you do with the real you?  I can’t believe I’m hearing this shit from you.  You wanted this didn’t you?  For the longest time you wanted this.  Well now you’ve got it and you’re whining about it?  fuck you you stupid fuckin ungrateful shit.
A while back I was wondering what that plan was man.  At first I thought maybe it was for me to come up here by myself, get away from all the familial stress, get my head on straight, and then work things out as they came.  Fam would move up later at the end of the school year, new life up here in the mountains.  that might still happen. BUT, now I’m wondering if I was sposed to come up here for awhile and learn a different lesson…my life sucks without my family.   Nicky Cage learns that his family is everything in that movie clip above, he thinks he’s got everything he needs and he’s got it all figured out.  I can draw that parallel to what I was feeling before.  I think I’m learning that lesson now that I don’t have it all figured out and what I thought I wanted was dead fucking wrong.  But I don’t know if I’ve been here long enough without them for it to fully sink in.  I wander around seeing places we went and remembering things we did while they were here over the holidays and I wish to myself I had them here now. But then it’s like but ya, they’d be screaming, and fighting and whining and shit like that and you don’t want that.  But then it’s like, no.  ya, I’d take that.  I’ll take that over being alone.
So anyway, I just so happen to have a job interview tomorrow morning with a company I had contacted right after being laid off and never heard anything from.  It’s right up my alley, and it’s back in FL with my family.  We’ll see what happens with it.  I can easily say it’s God giving me the option to go back home now that I’ve learned my lesson here on my own.  oh but wait, you don’t believe in god, and you don’t pray…ya, about that.  I’m coming around hopefully.
this is a glimpse jack.

~ by sobriety6923 on January 20, 2011.

2 Responses to “This Is a Glimpse Jack”

  1. love your blog, love the lessons you are learning, LOVE that you ARE helping so many people by doing this. One of the nicest things anyone ever told me was, “I hope things work out for the best,” not, how you want them to work out blah blah blah, but what is actually best for you. And I think you are on your way my friend, I think God [should there be one haha] is on your side. God Bless!

  2. thanks for stopping by Kay. Glad you’re getting something out of it. The intent here is to document my struggles and if anybody gets anything out of it, then it makes me happy and that can’t be that bad. I am learning, slowly but surely. It might be a Pyrrhic victory by the end of it tho. TTFN.

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