unstable ground

moved into a new apt today.  old one was just too much of a commute. but, it ripped my heart out to do it.  that was the place the fam came up to with me for the holidays.  we spent our last time together here at that apt.  we spent christmas and new years there.  and now I’m walking away from it, tossing it to the side.  It’s like me leaving that place is me leaving them.  why does this hurt so fucking much?  it’s just a fucking apt.  but it represents them.  I mean, I’ve seen them since they left, we spent a great weekend together a couple weeks ago.  but all day today, packing that place up, now I’m here at my new place, it hurts.  WHY THE FUCK DOES IT HURT TO LEAVE A GOD DAMNED APT? I didn’t leave them, nothing else has changed except that I’m in a new apt now, that’s closer, that’s going to save me money.  over $700 in the next 4 months in gas alone.  but why does it hurt?  I’ve wanted to cry several times today.  what the fuck is up with that?

I so just want to go hit the fucking bar right now and forget about this shit.  but I won’t.  I can’t.  I can’t do that shit anymore.  I’ll just sit here and bitch about it, cry about it like a little girl.  Big ‘ol 6 ft 6 300lb me whining like a baby.

I miss my family.  I hate being here without them.  Every new high followed by a new low.  Had a great saturday hiking and being outside, then today a nose dive.  There’s a guy here in the basement renting it from the landlord, and he’s got his 4yr old daughter with him this weekend.  I guess he gets her on the weekend every once in awhile.  It was so great just to see somebody else’s kid.  in a house.  that I’m living in.  how fucked up is that?  who the fuck are you and what did you do with the drunk asshole who’d rather drink than see his family?  what the fuck is this shit?  get your head on straight and let’s go drink!  go away.  oh c’mon, let’s go get pissed!  go.away.I’m done with you.

I will not use drinking as a mechanism to cope with this pain.  fuck you and your god damn cirrhosis motherfucker.

you have no power over me.

I will bend like a reed in the wind, and I will not break.

I will overcome.

~ by sobriety6923 on January 30, 2011.

5 Responses to “unstable ground”

  1. Sorry for not showing sensitivity but I see the reality. You feeling so horrible leaving this apartment is how you should of felt initially leaving your family. You are finally realizing what you gave up. Feel any motivation to get your life together?

  2. see, I see it in more shades of gray. I left my family b/c of the job situation. At one point in the past, yes, I would have been glad to have been by myself, but not anymore. my leaving at this point was b/c the job was here, not because I wanted to be alone anymore, as I think several of my recent posts will back me up on. but ya, it’s sinking in what I “would” be giving up if I were to say fuck it and leave, and get divorced or be some kind of loser absentee father, which I already feel like bad enough b/c of this situation. Or if I died and left my wife to raise them by herself. It’s like a few posts ago with the “this is a glimpse jack” post. I’m living it, and finding out how much it would suck, especially if it were permanent. but kudos to you for putting on your hardass hat for me. you just keep kicking.

  3. I understand that the move was for the job but, everything is kind of lining up to show you the what if. Again, just what I’m seeing and just my opinion!
    You are so welcome for my hard assness! What are friends for!

  4. “I will bend like a reed in the wind, but I will not break!”

  5. I think that would be a difficult thing for anyone, recovering alcoholic or not! Inevitably, happier memories tend to resurface when you try to leave a place- it has happened to me. I think it is a fear of never being able to recapture that purity of those happier times or perhaps the warmth of them never happening again for you, if you leave the place where you experienced them behind. It is hard to let go.

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