I Miss You

there’s been prolly hundreds of times growing up I’ve had a family member or some other loved one tell me “i miss you” and/or “i can’t wait to see you”.    I’m kind of ashamed to say a lot of the time when it was said to me, I replied with a cursory “oh ya me too” without really meaning it.  I know I did it a lot to grandparents, aunts, parents, etc…growing up.  Now I’m on the flip side of it and I’m the parent telling it to my wife and kids and I wonder if they’re just giving my the cursory “ya me too”.    It’s been a good ol’ long time since I’ve felt this pain.  you know, the hole right in the middle of you where someone you love is supposed to be.

I made myself breakfast this morning in my new digs, and I’m the only one awake, and I couldn’t help comparing what it would be like if I was back with my family right now.  One of the kids would prolly have been up early, most likely the boy, and wanting to watch Scooby or something, and my wife or I would have gotten up, while the other tried to steal a few more precious minutes of relative peace alone in bed before tackling the day.  So let’s say it would’ve been me that got up: I’d be up, fix him a bowl of cereal or whatever he wanted for breakfast, he’d watch scooby, I’d get a cup of coffee, maybe the girl would get up too, then fix her something to eat also. In between maybe try to grab the sunday paper and skim through a few things.  Eventually my wife would get up, and read through the paper.  The sunday edition, btw, is the only day we bother to get the paper.  no time, and internet for the rest of the week’s news.  Eventually we’d all start getting ready to go to church and run that gauntlet.  Girl’s gotta decide what to wear and may need help with it, boy needs to get something chosen and dressed, then back to scooby while waiting on the rest of us. help boy, help girl, send girl off to mommy for hair, brush teeth for both, much wailing and gnashing of teeth for various disagreeance’s throughout….then finally at some point start getting myself ready for church, back and forth till everybody’s ready.  Then maybe, by some small grace of god we’d make it out the door on time to get to bible class, with or without one or several meltdowns in the process.

Used to be I’d grumble to myself and even a lot of times let it spill out into “hey everybody can hear me now” how I hated this process.  I hate the week, I hate the weekends, I hate sunday morning especially.  I used to hate going to church.  I didn’t believe in god, church was a complete waste of time and expended energy, blah blah blah…..then at some point it changed.  I started at least liking going to our bible class, but then I’d sit outside in the car or go somewhere during services.  then I finally pulled my head out of my ass and realized how much it was hurting my wife me not going to services and being with her for it.  So I started volunteering for the A/V stuff during services, and to change the sign out front.  I don’t know about you, but I need to be vested in something to really care and enjoy something.  Then, I finally started enjoying going to church.  to this day I still don’t really enjoy service except for the preacher’s sermon.  I just don’t do the whole singing praying praise thing.  Makes me feel like a sheep.  <well y’know jesus is the shephard and we’re all the sheep so how’s that workin for ya?>  I just would rather be backstage part of the production rather than in the audience enjoying the show.  y’know?

So, I said all that to get to this:  I’m finally going to church this morning in my spot.  meet some new folks, see if I can help out, see where/what god wants me next.  And all this ties into “i miss you” b/c there was a time I prayed for what I have now.  the solitude, the peace, the mountains, etc, etc…away from the normal craziness of family life.

truth is, I miss it.  I miss my family, and I’d trade all of this I have now in a heartbeat to go back to the former so called perceived hell I thought I was in.  Now I see what a great thing it was.  The hiking and biking and freedom is nice, but I’d take the frustration and family in a heartbeat to be back with them.


~ by sobriety6923 on February 6, 2011.

3 Responses to “I Miss You”

  1. I find this very sad. When will you see your family again?

  2. 11 more days and a wake up for president’s day weekend. then maybe for a week in march for spring break, then a weekend in april, then again in may, and we’ll see where we are at the end of the school year.

  3. Good luck on your endeavors. I know how you feel; no matter what you do, no matter what happens, there is no chance of getting your loved ones back. I’m glad you are going to be able to see them, make the best of it!

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