yup, you heard that right.  Things are good, but I find myself in a twistyfuck, or quandary, or situation, or quagmire.  giggety.

to recap….laid off last november, as I was driving home from being walked out the door my phone rang for an interview for the position in NC I’m currently in.  Now two months later, one of the other leads I was chasing when I got laid off is coming to fruition.  I have an offer back home for a job close to my family up my alley and makin money.  Of course I’m arguing with them over money, b/c that’s what I do, but I imagine even if they tell me no, I’ll still take the job.

when I got laid off and the phone rang on the way home, it was like it was god telling me it was going to be ok.  my family just happened to be home that day too, sick kid or something if I remember right so I didn’t just go home and go off the deep edge on a bender or anything.

I am eternally grateful to my current company in NC for employing me and allowing me to still provide for my family, however, I will drop them in a heartbeat if it means I can get back to my family sooner and easier than moving them up here.  so there’s that.  I’ve got that goin for me at least, which is nice.

then there’s the irrational fear that this new company is going to come back and rescind the offer b/c I had the audacity to ask for mo money.  Unlikely, but it could happen.  the problem is it’s no big deal if they do, I’ve still got the job here, but my mind is already back with my family.

and being back with my family…..will I be able to stay sober?  the same fears I had about coming up here and being on my own now invade my consciousness about being back with them.  I’ve got a routine down here, and it’s nice.  I get off work and come home and don’t drink.  Or I stop by a local pub and have a few beers to try the local brews, have dinner, then come home and don’t drink.  So yes, I’ve been drinking.  K?  you got me.  I still posit I can drink with control when I feel like it.  I have not touched anything hard since new year’s, nor have I wanted to.  will I eventually feel like it again when I get back to the fam?

I feel like the biggest liar.  Everybody here in NC is checking in on me to make sure I’m ok, am I settled in, how was my trip to see the fam, etc, etc…what am I going to do with the house down there, when is the fam moving up….and I tow the line of oh ya after the school year and whatnot when really I’m trying to get out of here and back to them as soon as I can.

not looking forward to the conversations with everybody when I tell them I’m leaving, but family comes first, and whatever gets me back to them with the least risk, the lowest cost and the best schedule will be the option I choose.

so now we play the waiting game.  must’ve checked my email a couple thousand times the last few days waiting on the response to my counter offer.  we’ll wait and see.


~ by sobriety6923 on February 25, 2011.

2 Responses to “TwistyFuck”

  1. You’re on a slippery slope, Mr. Twisty. Although your honesty about having some beer here and there is appreciated.

    I think you’re doing great. I really do. Compared to how you were drinking, you’re making great progress. But progress means you’re not there yet.

    It’s like a woman being pregnant. You either ARE or ARE NOT pregnant. There’s no “I’m a little bit pregnant.”

    You either ARE or ARE NOT still drinking.

    Not much, though. Just here and there. And no hard stuff.

    Sounds like what a normal person with a normal liver with a normal drinking history would do.

    But wait….do you have a normal liver or a normal drinking history???

    I think you’re wise to have that little voice in your head wondering if you can stay sober when you get home. Because you’re NOT staying sober now. You’re still feeding the itch.

    I’m not judging you and I don’t blame you. I really don’t. I would imagine that every alcoholic in the world has at some point tried to drink like a normal person. It’s human nature. Gloss it over a little bit, I can handle this, it’s no big deal.

    But liver failure sucks beyond anything you could imagine. Ask anyone who’s in the final stages of cirrhosis. No, wait, ask their family members what it’s like.

    I think in these waning weeks of living in NC by yourself, (because your time is limited there, they’re not going to rescind their offer) your mental focus needs to change.

    Not “can I stay sober?” But “I will get sober and stay sober.”

    Not “a beer or two won’t hurt.” But “if I drink a beer or two, I’m feeding that monkey again.”

    Get that monkey off your back!! Kick his ass to the curb!! Quit feeding him!! YOU CAN DO IT!!

    That monkey doesn’t have a wife and kids depending on him. He’s only here for the party!! HE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT YOU OR YOUR WELFARE OR YOUR HEALTH. He’s not your friend.

    Kick his stinking, lying, miserable life-sucking ass out of your life. Slam the door. Walk away. Don’t look back.

  2. well, I AM drinking. cuz I’ve got tiger blood and the only drug I need is Charlie Sheen and if you try it once you will die! dying’s for fools, dying’s for amateurs!

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