you ever read deadspin? they’ve got some pretty hilarious stuff on there sometimes. I gotta say my favorite bit they do are the weekly mailbags where readers write in and this guy drew magary responds.  his shit is priceless sometimes.  anyway, there’s a recent one dealing with heaven and hell and eternity that just got me to thinking.  It’s like holy shit, I’d never thought of it like that.

even if you’re in heaven, it’s still eternity.  You’ve been there 10 billion years and have done EVERYTHING a million times?  sorry, you’re just getting warmed up. the below is from the recent mailbag. the pic is pretty damn good too:


Andy Bones:

Now I know you’re not very religious, and neither am I, but just for the sake of argument, let’s consider that there actually IS an afterlife, with a standard Heaven and Hell. For obvious reasons, the idea of spending an eternity in Hell is absolutely horrifying. But isn’t the idea of spending an eternity in heaven terrifying as well? Think about it. ETERNITY. That’s forever and then some. Meaning you could spend 10 billion years in Heaven and still not be any closer to the end than you were on you’re first day. Sure, you’ll finally get the chance to try everything ever imaginable to man. Wanna take a ride in an Indy Car on Rainbow Road from Mario Kart while firing red turtle shells at al-Quaeda terrorists? You’ll probably get to try it at some point in Heaven.

But after you’ve tried EVERYTHING ever imaginable to man, you’ll still have time to do it again! And again! And again and again and FUCKING AGAIN till you can’t fucking bear to do it anymore! Even ice cream gets old after working at a Dairy Queen for a summer, so how can Heaven not get old after infinity too? Think about Adam and Eve. Those poor bastards have been around since the dawn of time, and they’ve probably run out of shit to do. Hell, they’re so bored they may have even tried committing suicide at some point just to get away. But they couldn’t, because they’re already dead in Heaven!

I know some people think that it’s depressing to think that there’s nothing else out there after we die, but have they ever REALLY thought about it? Me? I’d take fading to black after I die any day over FUCKING ETERNITY.


This has always nagged at me as well. Even when I was a very small kid, I’d think about being dead and being dead FOREVER, and it terrified me. I remember hearing Prince say, “Electric word: life. It means forever, and that’s a mighty long time…” at the beginning of “Let’s Go Crazy” and being completely freaked out by the concept. And so I’d sit there sometimes in my bed and think about the idea that even if I went to Heaven, I’d still be unable to stop time advancing and that would probably drive me insane up there and cause me to start strangling Lincoln’s angel and stuff.

But I’ve relaxed a bit about that sort of thing since then, and the reason is DRUGS. If you smoke pot, you know that time often becomes malleable. Five minutes seems to take two hours, etc. So maybe forever zips right on by when you’re in heaven. Maybe you’re so stoned on death that you don’t even notice. That’s my thought, that Heaven is so awesome that terrible thoughts like eternity never even enter in your mind. You’re in a completely elevated state of consciousness, devoid of any such crises. It’s so far beyond your mortal comprehension that worrying about forever will probably seem like an idiotic notion once Heaven takes hold of you. I think that’s where Charlie Sheen is at right now. DYING IS FOR FOOLS. I bet you feel like that all the time in Heaven.

The other thing that calmed me down a bit was when I read a quote from Ebert that said, essentially, I was perfectly content before I was born, so that’s probably how I’ll feel when I die. And then I was like, “Hey! He’s right! I totally was happy before I was born! Probably because I didn’t exist, and had no formed soul, BUT EBERT IS RIGHT GOD DAMMIT!” So now I don’t freak out as much anymore. Sometimes, if it’s real late, the thought comes back to me, but then I conjure Ebert and Sheen. Then I think about breakfast the next day and everything is copasetic. So don’t worry about death. It’s probably like a really awesome heroin coma.


~ by sobriety6923 on March 1, 2011.

4 Responses to “Deadspin”

  1. What are you posting about? Do you agree or disagree? What is your take on this? From your wifes point of view the people at mailbag are idiots.

  2. I spose I don’t feel strongly about it either way babe. I know what I’m sposed to think, but I do enjoy waxing phisolophical about it.

  3. Um. . . I understand if you posted this for a laugh, but to say you don’t have a feeling either way, that. . . I don’t know. Heaven is suppose to be relaxing and loving and all that, not something you dread because you will be there forever. If you want to get really philisophical then you could say maybe your soul has already been to heaven and then you were born and then you are going home again. I mean the bible does state that God knew you before you were born.

  4. absorutery you’ve been there before. no I don’t dread going to heaven, it’s just in my mind the writer brings up an interesting point. You’ll be able to do EVERYTHING elenty billion times, and you’ll just be getting started. However, you won’t care right? No boredom, no jealousy, no hate, no lethargy, etc, etc…

    it’s just interesting to contemplate that.

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