Dangerously Close

There’s an evil voice dangerously close to the front of my thoughts telling me I won’t be able to do it.

….ya, I came up with that years and years ago.  when I was getting my ass handed to me every day in my engineering classes in college.  I banged my head against the wall for 3 yrs in engineering college and made my way through it.  lots of all nighters studying for tests: coffee, coke, vivarin just to stay awake to study, then get done, quit, or say to hell with it in the middle of the night and be too wired to sleep….then the downers.  ya, you guessed it.

I spose the rapist would bring up the self medication at this point also, and I wouldn’t disagree with it.

but I spose where I’m going with this is this….I’m dangerously close to picking up a drink.  or 5.  I don’t even know why.  habit maybe?  the job is fine, the drive is fine, the home life is fine.  I just feel like having a drink or 3. or 5.  or whatever.  no real craving besides habit.  It’s like now that I’m back into the old routine, some part of my fucked up head is like “oooo, back to the grind, remember how we used to deal with that?  oh c’mon you know you want to….just go to the store and we can fall right back into our old routine”.  fuck you motherfucker.

i don’t need you.

i know I don’t.

but there’s still a part of me that does want you, and always will I spose.  I’m dangerously close to falling back into some old bad habits.  but why you stupid fuck?  just because?  you really are a dumbass you know that?

<best gollum voice>  but i wants it….let us have the precious….MY PRECIOUS!!!!

anyway…..fuck you and your stupid fucking old habits motherfucker.  I don’t need you.  my precious.


~ by sobriety6923 on March 31, 2011.

2 Responses to “Dangerously Close”

  1. habit and routines are so dangerous. but they can be broken. it just takes some time. I hope you find the strength within yourself to not give in to your cravings.

    my partner went into rehab and is now doing very well, but he struggles in situations of old format,such as habits built around working shifts. But he is managing.

  2. ….and since writing this what have you done? dipshit. what was it, a pint of tekillya last week you shared with the with, and now a 6pack and a 750 of tekillya this weekend? ya, but I didn’t drink it all….ya….but now it’s here, in the house, just waiting.every.day.you’ve already broken rule 1. it’s in the house. dipshit. you see where this is going? slippery slope and all that? nope, I can quit whenever I want to. moderation yo. denial, yo.

    dipshit. yup.

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