don’t worry, it’s just a 10 gallon hat.

friend of mine that’s working through her own issues recently had a revelation through talking with her peeps and shared it with me, which caused me to have a revelation.

Alcohol stunts your growth.

no it doesn’t I’m 6’6″ and over 300lbs.  I think I’m all grow’d up fine.

no dipshit, it stunts your emotional growth…..<crickets> holy crap I think you/we’re on to something.

basically, start drinking heavily at 21 (we’ll assume legality for the purpose of this exercise) and drink heavily for let’s say 10 yrs.  You’re now physically 31 yrs old, but mentally you’re a lot closer to 21.  You don’t grow emotionally, b/c you don’t need to.

You’ve got all you need right there in the bottom of that bottle, or can, or shot glass, or whatever.  No need to learn anything else, no need to expand your horizons, spread your wings, etc…it’s all right there in your hands. No need to grow emotionally beyond a kid playing nintendo (actually I think the kids are calling them 360’s and Xbox’es these days; but I’m dating myself b/c I used nintendo, remember Gyromite? I could’ve used atari; had one of those too, but that was waaaay before drinking), watching monster trucks and flipping through the scrambled cable porn channels late at night.

I look back at how much I’ve grown since 21, and I’d say 80% of it has been since having kids.  And it’s been a painful growth; growth by fire; because I was forced to.  All the years prior to that I was just floating along, graduated college, got job, got married, continued education, never really felt the need to go anywhere or do anything too interesting or special.  I had all I needed in that bottle in the cabinet when I got home.

Then came kids.  I tried as hard as I could tho, to cling to the old ways.  I’m ashamed to say there’s even innumerable times I would’ve been useless to my pregnant wife in the middle of the night if anything were to have gone wrong (thank you god it didn’t).  There’s innumerable times I was useless in the middle of the night when the baby(ies) were crying and my wife had to get up with them b/c I was too drunk to.  Then there were all the times while my daughter was an infant or toddler and I would rather drink than do <insert activity here> with her.  <still carrying guilt about that, as I should>.  I mean, HOW FUCKED UP IS IT THAT YOU’D RATHER DRINK THAN SPEND TIME WITH YOUR CHILDREN ASSHOLE?

I actually look at the father I am now with my son at 3yrs old vs the father I was when my daughter was 3 (she’s 6 now).  I mourn my daughter’s early youth because of the way I was and still have the potential to revert to.  I wonder if her problems in school learning, and anxiety she has aren’t a direct result of my drunkenness. I’m sure of it actually. fahck.  Hopefully tho at this point, that was a long time ago in a galaxy far far away.

so ya, I totally agree that consistent excessive alcohol use stunts emotional growth; and mourn the wreckage the wake of my sins continue to birth.


~ by sobriety6923 on April 12, 2011.

2 Responses to “Growth”

  1. Mr. Sobriety, while there may be some lingering wreckage, the honesty with which you share your heart with your readers (and someday your daughter) and the insight you have into your own addiction will at some point overshadow any deficiencies from her toddler years. Kids are resilient. Just stay the course.

    There will come a day when she’s 25ish and you’re 55ish and you’ll meet her for lunch and you’ll talk about every subject under the sun. And then you’ll watch her walk away and you’ll think “Looky how awesome she turned out. That’s my little girl right there.” Envision it. It will happen. Just stay the course.

    • That’s just such an awesome thing to picture. I’ve literally NEVER thought of that. Kind of morbid but I guess I never expected to live that long. Another thing to live for. Thank you.

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