It’s Amazing what “normal” becomes

What am I, 35 now?  Sure, let’s say that.  I’m 35, 6′ 6″, 325’ish lbs.  As a result of my lifestyle choices I regularly get chest pains, shortness of breath, arm pains, ankle pains, lower back pains, etc….

I’ve come to accept this as normal.  I’ve just been doing it so long I’ve become assimilated.

If you would’ve told me at say 18, I’d be like this now?  I’d have K’dyouTFO.  Of course it’d be me telling myself that, so….

According to popular thought, I should be striving to not drink anymore, lose weight, exercise more, etc….and I do, somewhat.  Obviously not enough tho.

My normal has become what I once would have rebelled against.  Now, it’s just normal.

I’ve referenced my favorite SSOC quote on here before, but I’ll bring it up again.  “What makes sense to a Cimmerian Barbarian seems like insane savagery to a Turanian prince”

what makes sense to one is insane to another.  just another morning of FAIL.  at least I killed the bottle the other night.  don’t have to worry about it being in the house.  just until the next time I think it’ll be fine to saunter into the likter store.  dumbass.  yup.

<my conscience> hey, dipshit, you can make the change anytime you want to you know.  just choose not to drink.  choose to make the lifestyle choices you need to.

ya?  well fuck you, and fuck your sobriety motherfucker.  go fuck yourself.  and I know you’re right, but still…go fuck yourself.

<the rapist> you’re white knuckling it <name redacted>.  you need to go to rehab.  you need to go to AA.

<me>  fuck that I can do this if I want to.

ya, well what if you never get around to wanting to?  what if your body gives in before your head?  what then, hhmmm?  dipshit.

GFY.  I’m not talking to you right now.

ahhh, the old avoidance technique.  go on then, I’ll still be here when you get back.  Doesn’t it just get so exhausting?  to wake up everyday and the first thought you have is to want a drink?  to have to 2nd guess going out with co-workers at the end of the day b/c you’re currently white knuckling it and trying not to drink all by your lonesome? to fight it every night; leaving work and not stopping somewhere on the way home; getting home and not starting right away; as the evening goes on to have that thought weighing on you constantly; to not have that nightcap or 10 right before bed?  how long can you stay vigilant enough not to kill yourself?  I can’t imagine what that’d be like.  Oh wait, I can, because I’m stuck with your sorry ass.

I’ve asked you to GFY.  I wish you’d leave.

Why isn’t my love of my wife and kids enough to make me stop drinking?  Is it because I still think I’ll be alright with the occasional drink(s)?  drunk 4 out of 7 nights of the week?  no problem!  at least it’s not 7 of 7.

<the rapist>  you’re in denial <name redacted> you need to go to rehab.  you need to go to AA.

somewhere in me there’s a rational being screaming at the top of its lungs for me to get help.  It gets squashed rather quickly and routinely, with rather surprising quickness most times…..with a speed that belies its girth….

remember that first semester of college after completing  your AA (AA, ha ha, get it?), then moving out of the house and into the engineering classes?  remember trying to do that yourself, and how you almost gave up?  then lo and behold, you started going to office hours and study groups, getting help?  ya, how’d that work out?  lookit u now bitch. degree and 6 figures’n all that.

ya, you’re right.  I got nothin to respond to that with.
so go do it

<the rapist>  you’re in denial <name redacted>, you’re white knuckling it <name redacted> you need to go to rehab.  you need to go to AA.


~ by sobriety6923 on August 17, 2011.

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