Your loved ones will read this blog

I sometimes regret telling some people I know about this blog.  I’m afraid, really.  It may not come across all the time; but a lot of time I’m holding back. I’m afraid of completely letting loose and scaring the fuck out of the people I care about that know about this blog.  And if I know you and you know about this blog…yup, I’m talking to you.

There’s dark and scary things in here folks.  As much as a mechanism as this blog has been for me to vent and deal with my issues in my own way, it’s also been a journey into the recesses of my thoughts.  A lot of my recent posts have had a sort of narrative to them where I’m arguing with myself.

This is me.

This is my conscience.  The part of me that wants to be sober, or at least berates the other me for not being sober.

We don’t get along very well.  We’re pretty hard on each other.  I spose it’s the classic Angel on one shoulder Devil on another type battle in one fashion or another.

Does this mean I have a split personality?  sheesh, I dunno.  The point is, a lot of times I don’t put down what my conscience is telling me.  I reign it in.  Suffice to say a lot of it has to do with feelings of worthlessness, suicide, guilt, etc…

And how ironic I’m presenting feelings of suicide and worthlessness in such a clinical manner.  Anyway, just another random thought.

~ by sobriety6923 on August 17, 2011.

4 Responses to “Your loved ones will read this blog”

  1. Funny thing…my late boyfriend said he went to a couple of meetings, a few years back, but didn’t see himself in their narcissistic model of the alcoholic. Now? A little girl’s permanently heartbroken, and God knows what it’ll mean in her life, because he was so sick, so deeply wrapped up in himself, trying to escape himself. And one day the real punch in the gut will come: The way she thought he loved her? Well…he didn’t. Because if he had, he would’ve put that shit down, done whatever he had to, for her.

    His ex-wife’s life, now marked by the tragedy, and her permanent job is to help the girl, try to mitigate the damage, while supporting her. No closure, no thanks, no nothing for her. He robbed her. She’ll justify it however she must in order to get by. But the lady was robbed of decades of happiness.

    As for me, well, thank God I looked for less from him, and that he never met my daughter. Even so…I’d say he cost me a couple of years, and just damaged me more for the next time out. Because you know, what new boyfriend doesn’t want to hear about your old more talented one who killed himself drinking.

    There are times when you just have to recognize that your own sentiments are deeply fucked up, and it’s time to use the manual override, and go get the help. Because if you don’t, what I just wrote above is waiting for your family. And now you have to answer the question: Do you actually care. If you do, the answer is obvious. And if you don’t, the answer’s even more obvious: you should be in the hospital, because you’re that sick.

    • Yes. You’re right of course. My denial is still such that the manual overide is right in front of me and i can’t see it. All i have to do is make a call or get in the car and go to a mtg.

  2. “Suffice to say a lot of it has to do with feelings of worthlessness, suicide, guilt, etc…”

    You responded to the last time that I commented that God speaks through people and my comment was some sort of burning bush. That may or may not be true but here’s one again. I’m at 288 days and I used to feel those things you mentioned above. I thought I was going crazy or had some sort of serious mental melancholy. But then I decided to break my life down into bits. I read that 20 minutes of exercise helps with stress and anxiety. Check-been doing that most everyday for 288 days. Too much caffein can cause anxiety and depressive withdrawal symptoms. Check-cut way back for 288 days. Alcohol is a depressant. Check-haven’t touched the stuff other than for communion for 288 days. And most importantly, I quit trying to do everything myself and finally threw my hands up in the air and asked God for help. Now I ask God for help on everything, not just big stuff but the little stuff too. And guess what. I don’t feel any of the shit that you mentioned above anymore. In-fact I can’t even remember how I possibly felt that way. But according to my journal I did. I found peace my way (even though finding peace is a lifelong journey) but you need to find it your way. You need to admit to yourself that apparently what you’ve been doing isn’t working. You need to do something about it today. Like right now. This is the most important thing in the world for you and your family. Get help! Ask God for help. Ask AA for help. Ask your or a Pastor for help. You need real help. Not just medical help but spiritual help.

    I know you like movie quotes so here’s one. It’s form Cowboys and Aliens.
    Not a great movie but entertaining.

    “God doesn’t care who you were but who you are”.
    Loose the guilt man and just start fresh today.

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