A Reminder My Crutch is Gone

man it’s been a busy week. hell, it’s been a busy 2 months. back to school and after school stuff ‘n all that. mainly my wife deals with the after school stuff. I help out to pick up the kids when asked and whatnot, but mainly it’s her. mad props yo. I love you babe. and I’m sorry if I don’t show it or say it enough.

work has been picking up too. I am being drug kicking and screaming out of my hole and forced to talk to people at work. I just want to sit in my hole (cube) and do my stuff and not have to have meetings, or talk to POC’s (points of contact) or anything like that. well, here I am, not only having to have meetings, but having to run meetings. with 20 or 30 people. about shit I know very little about but am learning. with people in the room and on the phone halfway across the country. it’s stressful to say the least.

on one hand, it’s freaking me out. on the other hand it’s just “grow up man”. Our lives had become unmanageable. That line from step 1 keeps floating through my head. I’m doing ok. Haven’t had a drink, haven’t felt like drinking. That is freaking awesome. But, I would say this is the highest my stress level has been in the last 59 days. (did I mention tomorrow is 60 days? wow. just, wow.) I was especially short with my family last night. I feel like shit about it. I was short with them like I was wanting a drink. But I didn’t want a drink.

I didn’t drink. I didn’t have to drink yesterday. I don’t have to drink today. I don’t have to drink tomorrow.

I’ve got another meeting here in a bit this morning where I’ll have 10 in the room and another 10 on the phone running through some slides and basically driving while the experts argue over everything. then another in a week, then another in a week after that. yay for compressed project schedules!

In the past, I would’ve run screaming for the hills and a liquor store. No more. And it’s not that it’s not there, but it is infinitely easier now. I would’ve leaned on my crutch heavily at this point in the past. But it’s not there anymore. I don’t need it anymore. This is just the first time I’ve really felt the urge badly like it should’ve been there. But it’s not. And I didn’t.

I had the power all along. Just call me Dorothy. I’ll be over in the corner clicking my heels if you need me.

thanks horsegirl for the add

~ by sobriety6923 on October 14, 2011.

2 Responses to “A Reminder My Crutch is Gone”

  1. That’s awesome. I’ve been checking back now and then, hoping things are going well. Glad to hear they are. As for this line:

    “I didn’t drink. I didn’t have to drink yesterday. I don’t have to drink today. I don’t have to drink tomorrow.”

    You know what? I’m not a boozer, I’m in good shape, I medaled in a road race a couple weekends ago. But I eat too damn much sugar. Always have, and while I got away with it for decades, my body’s a little annoyed about it now. The bloodwork’s still coloring inside the lines, but it could be happier. And diabetes runs in the fam. I don’t want diabetes. So there we go. I don’t have to sugar myself up today; don’t have to do it tomorrow.

    Same with sleep. I don’t have to stay up late unless there’s a hard deadline. If I don’t have one? Freaking go to bed. I’m too old to act like a college girl.

    Thanks. I like the line.

  2. you ever watch Lethal Weapon IV? there’s a scene in there where Riggs and Murtaugh are in the locker room after Riggs just got beat up in the ring by some young kid and they’re talking about being old. Riggs is all like “screw that, I’ll will it not to happen. Say it with me, we’re not too old for this shit, we’re NOT too old for this shit” I just keep having that line go through my head. But ya, it’s amazing the mantra that forms in your head, kind of like a learned response. [[insert event happened]] so I have to [[drink, eat sugar, whatever]] But we don’t. We don’t have to [[insert bad behavior here]] today.

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