Half the man I used to be

This will be a way too graphic description of my nut cutting procedure the other day.  If you don’t want to read it, don’t read it.

You’ve been warned.

Hey, you wanna see bofa?  Bofa deez nuts?!?!?!?

So thursday was sposed to be the day. I had to shave man land prior, but like Dr Evil sez, there really is nothing quite like a shorn scrotum.  had a 3pm apt.  took off work mid day, came home and chilled, wifey came home to take me in, took my drugs like I was sposed to, then we sat there for 45 min before they sent us home.  would’ve been upset, but I was drugged up so it was whuddevuh. We re-scheduled for first thing friday morning.

Friday morning b/c of logistics, I drove myself in after getting some more drugs, popped them on the way in (these would be the narco’s I was worried about), got there, and they called me back.  Nurse took me to the first room to get my vitals and go over everything with me.  Then she took me to the procedure room.  Had it done right in the doctor’s office instead of the hospital.  I was nice and mellow on diazepam and hydrocodone by this time so it was whatever.  In the second room she told me to strip from the waist down and lay on the table, covering myself with the thin paper sheet.  She left and I did as instructed.

I had my phone and headphones and was jamming to music the whole time btw.

She came back in and went to work.  Her name is Vickie and is a very nice older latino woman.  We chatted about nothing and everything while she went about her work.  She came back in and applied the red iodine looking stuff all around my nuts (I will not be using medical terms b/c I’m way too not formal to do that.  I will be using middle school terms in replacement; deez nuts?).  She also used tape to keep my dick out of the way, affixed up and away.  Then steril paper was placed all around my nuts with them sticking through a hole in  the paper.  Not long after, the doc came in, and the real deal began in earnest.  He gave me a quick run thru of what was going to happen, then he began.

So I’m laying there with my nuts poking through a hole in the paper with an older latino nurse and a young’ish greek urologist.  The greek grabs my nuts and gives me a local, right in the sack.  O.U.C.H. after that I felt tugging and that was about it.  What he did is made a hole in the sac on one side, went in and cut the tube (cauterized it I guess) going to the nut, then sewed up the hole.  Same thing again on the other side of the sac, complete with another local and hole then sewed it back up.

All in all wasn’t that bad.  After, the nurse helped me get dressed and put the jock strap on, then I walked to the waiting room to wait for wifey to get there to spirit me away.  I was even feeling good enough that we were able to go have lunch with my daughter at her school that morning.  She’s been jonesing for us to do that for awhile so I’m glad we were able to do it.

Today I can take a shower, and I’m sposed to wear the jock for a couple weeks, as well as no llifting anything over 10lbs.  which is a joke.  So, the stitches sutures will dissolve on their own after a bit, and I haven’t really had to pop too many pills for the pain.  91 days from the date of the procedure I get the dubious honor of providing a “sample” to confirm the sterility, and get this…..prior to providing the “sample”, I need to have wasted at least 15 samples prior.  why?  idk.  and oh btw, no “samples” for 2 wks after the procedure.  heh heh.

the actual meaning/intent of the following actually has nothing to do with deez nutz, but it’s got a relevant line in it anyway.


~ by sobriety6923 on January 15, 2012.

3 Responses to “Half the man I used to be”

  1. I think I passed out twice reading that…and I was warned! Glad all worked out ok. Me? I’m waiting for menopause! 😉

  2. Two weeks?
    Aren’t ya gonna end up with deadly sample build-up? 🙂

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