Reckoning Day

Who or what do you answer to? I think a large part of my problem is I don’t really answer to much anymore. When you’re a kid, you answer to your parents and most adults to do what you’re told and whatnot. Then you grow up and have a job with a boss you have to answer to, etc, etc…

From 1997 to 2011 I didn’t answer to much more than a bottle. Oh sure, I had a wife to keep happy, and then kids, and a job all the time that I had to keep the requisite peace with, but I don’t really know that I truly answered to anything more than the next drink. I had to drink. That was the reckoning. I think that’s part of the reason why I love this statement so much:

I don’t have to drink today

I don’t talk with my parents much anymore. It’s kind of sad really. I don’t really have much to say other than the mundane same ol same ol. In my hubris, I’ll say I’ve outgrown them. I have a masters degree, I am an engineer, I know everything! <you’re such a dumbshit, you know that right?> I just don’t have any use for it/them much. I do kind of mourn it, but I don’t do anything to rekindle or renew the relationship. We don’t have a bad relationship, we’re just not that close. For so long the only “need” I had was the next drink and the bottle. Didn’t have much room for much else. Maybe that will get better, I don’t know. I spose if I want to change it like anything else I’ll have to work at it.

I spose someday we’ll all have a reckoning with God, if he exists. Ya I know, we’ve been over this before, well we’re not done with it yet. For myself, I struggle with having a reckoning that I’m not for sure will actually ever occur, and if it does, I have no idea when it will be. Could be today, tomorrow, or 40 yrs from now. Something created the universe tho. I hope I find and come to peace with my creator someday.

So, I guess I’ll say this: for now, for the immediate, I answer to my family. If I go back to drinking, I’m abandoning them. I’m saying “here, wife, raise the children on your own”. I’m saying to the kids “here children, you’ll never know what it was like to have a father growing up”. I’m saying “I give up, this is too much”.

just a lil reminder to myself. 6 months in 13 days. Feb 12. But ya, dear reader, who or what do you have a reckoning with?

~ by sobriety6923 on January 31, 2012.

3 Responses to “Reckoning Day”

  1. That’s an excellent post.

    I answer to art and to my child. That’s it. The point is to make a few pieces of worthwhile art and help a child grow up well, and that makes a life’s work.

    You answer to whatever you love.

    I find I’m at a time of life when the main warning is *don’t relax yet*. I see it, people in their 40s, 50s, slackening physically, mentally, in all kinds of discipline. It’s tempting: you get tired, it’s really all too much, you haven’t the energy you used to, and it becomes too easy to see making it through the day as an accomplishment in itself. But it’s not enough. At this time of life, if you let go, things deteriorate shockingly quickly. I see it go on all around me. So you have to keep the discipline of keeping things taut without becoming rigid, because there’s another 20, 30, 40 years of life yet, and there are still responsibilities to the people and things you love best.

  2. Exactly. I hear Bob Frost was kind of a jerk, but he knew what he was talking about.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: