F..E.A.R


Face Everything And Recover

Just a little nugget I picked up in a meeting awhile ago.  Often interesting how the simplest words can mean so much.  Fear is an insidious little conniving worm you let burrow into every facet of your life while you’re drunk.  Fear of being alone even tho you treat those you love like shit.  Fear of failing.  Fear of asking for help.  Fear of staying anywhere for too long and wearing out your welcome.  Fear of having to learn how to do your job well enough to stay there for longer than 3.8 yrs (my personal best record btw)  Fear of <insert yours here>….

The rapist once told me that a former client of hers was not unlike me in many ways.  Engineer, smart, etc,…..he told her that he had always been good at his job, a good engineer, but when he got sober, he was simply amazed at how much better he became.  <–ya, that.

I’ve never stayed longer than 3.8 yrs at any job in my career.  It’s been a mix of reasons, but a large part of it has been laziness and not being willing to put forth the effort to learn new things and get good at them to become a better engineer.  Just keep doing the same old same old that I can do backwards in my sleep without any effort, or any risk of failing.  that and being a baby.  think I mentioned that a couple posts ago.

I’m afraid to plan.  I’m not good at it.  I worry about being let down that the plans won’t work out…  What do I want to do for vacation?  I don’t know.  Well let’s go here and do this.  ya but then the wife and kids will hate it.  and it’ll cost too much.  ok, well then forget it.  why bother…..I’ve also never really felt I would live long enough to bother with planning, but that’s another thing that’s starting to change.

I’m afraid to ask for help.  I hate it.  LOATHE it.  It’s part of the reason it took me so long to go get help fer this funny lil drinkin problem.

I also hate asking for help in every other part of my life.  Asking friends for help moving?  Asking for prayer?  Asking for <insert yours here>?  fuhgeddaboudit.  Had my annual performance review today at work with my boss.  Oh don’t worry it went well.  I’ve been told I’m doing a good job and learning the ropes and she’s very happy she hired me.  However…..one of my goals for the next year will be to “ask for help”.  Don’t just sit there banging your head on the wall.  Ask for somebody’s help to get through it or around it.

Far be it for a self centered alcoholic to ask others what they think or want help.  I don’t have a problem.  and even if I did I could fix it by myself.  if i wanted to.

so, we claim progress, not perfection.  I’m beginning to ask more here and there for help.  I absolutely hate doing it by the way.  On the flip side, I love giving help when asked.  dunno why one is one and the other is the other, but it is what it is.  <–didn’t make much sense but roll with it.

Face your fear, grow stronger from it.  How many movies have I seen that in, and loved it when the hero or heroine was able to, but never translated it to my own life.

Face Your Fear

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~ by sobriety6923 on February 2, 2012.

5 Responses to “F..E.A.R”

  1. ….I couldn’t help but notice your pain…. love the Star Trek reference!

    F.E.A.R. can also mean False Evidence Appearing Real…my mantra as I went through the steps. We talk about it in our group…this is the point where we all have a decision to make…will F.E.A.R. turn into anger?

    Anyway, love the post!

    • thanks. that movie pretty much stunk, but that is one thing I remember from it. now, interesting point, how I apply your definition of F.E.A.R to my 19 problem….hmmmm

      • You only have 19 problems? You’ve got it made! 😛 Most of my issues stemmed from either fear or anger…to me, two sides of the same coin (token? chip? don’t want either of those chips!) But yes, when I drew up that “fourth” column in my inventory, and look at my role, it almost always stemmed from that. When it didn’t, I learned that there’s the issue to talk about with that person. It’s amazing how much I wasn’t picking up on when I was in F.E.A.R…. 🙂

  2. “Fear of being alone even tho you treat those you love like shit.”

    I wonder how my husband sleeps at night. If I treated anyone — any other human being, let alone my spouse — the way he can sometimes treat me, (like shit), I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night. How does he sleep at night?

    Oh, ya. He’s drunk. Yay me.

  3. Horse-Girl: So why you there?

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