Kicking and Screaming


I’m freaking out man

So I got roped into being my son’s U6 soccer coach.  FAHCK.  and I mean that in the best possible way….I’m just scared shitless.  I am being drug kicking and screaming out of my hole (read: comfort zone) to interact with people and be a leader.  Of 4yr olds.  Where all I have to do is make sure they laugh and kick a ball around.  And have fun.  Oh the horror right?

Backstory: A few years ago we tried our daughter at soccer and I volunteered to be an assistant coach.  Being an assistant was fine, all the fun, none of the responsibility.  So this time around with soccer for our son, I volunteered again to be an assistant. Well, first game was this past saturday and the coach walks up to me and sez “hey can you be coach, I can’t do it”.  So of course I’m like “suuuure, no problem”.  damnit.

It was fine when it was just me helping out, but now that I’m coach?  I’m totally freaking out about it.  mainly I’m scared.  Of what?  Man I don’t know.  10 4yr olds?  that should be nothing.  Their parents?  that should be nothing too.  you wanna yell at me?  get a ladder.  (did I mention I’m 6′ 6″ 315?)  Mainly I guess I’m scared of screwing up; or somehow screwing up these 4-6yr olds through soccer. (how is that even possible numbnuts?)  Not that this group of 4yr olds is going to have any life altering events as a result of their little U6 soccer games or anything, but still, it’s an important developmental activity which can have an effect much later into adolescent and adult life.

And THIS alcoholic fuck up is now the leader?  oh my god pls don’t let me fuck this up.  we claim progress not perfection we claim progress not perfection we claim progress not perfection.  This is an opportunity to grow.  This is an opportunity to come out of my shell (kicking and screaming mind you) and just help these kids have a good time and learn some soccer.

I just don’t feel worthy of it I guess.  I played soccer as a kid for several years in city league.  Was never really good enough to continue on into highschool or anything, but I had a great time doing it.  I just hope I can give these kids a good experience with it.  I can’t even remember my first equivalent U6 soccer games way back in 1981’ish, much less my coach or anything.  But I see old pictures and a faint memory of good times remains.

Please god just let me help these kids have a good time.  Please god just let me help these kids have a good time.  So ya, this is me, scared shitless of a bunch of 4yr olds.  funny right? 6′ 6″ 315 scared of a 4yr old.  I just have to chuckle at that.

…still doing ok with the drinking.  coming up on 7 months in a little over a week.  I’m even tolerating the wife having it in the house.  I know it’s there, tho it’s hidden.  I know it when my wife has made a drink.  But I have no desire to go find it or have hers.  And it doesn’t make me have cravings. Yet.

Where’s the line between it negatively affecting me b/c I’m an alcoholic, or negatively affecting her because she can’t have a drink?  I don’t know.

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~ by sobriety6923 on March 5, 2012.

3 Responses to “Kicking and Screaming”

  1. Hey, a message from me to your wife:

    Hon, in the nicest way, are you out of your mind? This is not a good idea.

    Your husband’s better sober, right? So don’t make him think about booze in the house. Get that shit out of there. If you want to go out with the girls, you do that. But don’t bring it home.

    I love junk food of all kinds, all shapes and varieties. Every kind of chocolate from fine Belgian chocolates to Sixlets. I am 5’1″, in my 40s, and 115 lbs. I have the BMI of a 15-year-old. No statins, no diabetes pills. Here’s why: I don’t bring that candy shit into my house (much). I don’t buy boxes of doughnuts, don’t even go down the cookie aisle in the grocery store. My kid comes shopping with me, says she wants treats, I say no dice. Why? Because I’ll eat them all while she’s at school. After Halloween? I throw out leftover candy. Better in the garbage than in me.

    Do I have awesome treats, yes. But in enforced moderation. I keep them out of my home, and there are whole categories of junk food I haven’t touched since maybe 1985.

    There’s just no reason to keep the temptation around. The stakes are too high for you, your kids, your husband. Please don’t do it. Show some solidarity here, and respect your own self-interest, and keep your “yeah, but I’m not an alcoholic” drinking out of the house.

    ——

    A message from me to you:

    this is great, about the coaching. Please pay attention, though, and if it’s too much, bow out. Better to watch the limits than to be overwhelmed. Also, if you’re going to be running around out there at 6’6″ and 315 and recovering, please get a MedicAlert bracelet with the cardiomyopathy and whatever else, just in case. Yeah, I know, you go riding and whatever. But get one and put it on. Just in case. (The age/physical-condition thing’s kind of a shocker sometimes, and the head can be slow about it — I had my first core biopsy today, after six months of “huh, that lump kinda feels bigger…they didn’t find anything on an image…wonder what it is.” One day a few weeks ago I woke up & thought, Schmuck, the kid only has one mother, make the appointment. Result: Ow.)

  2. In my defense as the wife; Rich and I have never been go out and drink at the bar people. Have we? Yes
    Do we enjoy it? Not really. Loud, crazy, expensive drinks, then I have to worry about driving home.
    Do I go out with the ladies and have a girls night? Once in the past 10 years.
    Do I have ladies to do that with? Not really
    Do at times I feel like I would like a drink just because? Yes
    Did I make sure it was ok with Rich? Yes
    Do I worry about what will happen if he does find my hiding place? Yes and No. I feel that Rich is at a place where he does not want to drink. Is it still a problem, yes.
    I buy the smallest liquor bottle they make in what I want and it will last me a good month or more.
    We are a busy working family with 2 children and no baby sitters. We are, family wise, alone here in our area so just going out is not always an option. Do I try not to drink in front of Rich? Yes
    Is it hard to feel that I would like something and knowing he cannot? Yes
    I feel guilty becaue I can and he cannot. I feel quilty that I would like a drink and he can not. Why should I feel guilty? I’m doing something he can not do I guess. I feel that I will be the reason he fails. Do you know how much pressure that it?
    It is an awesome thing that he is doing and he is holding steady and taking charge of his addiction.
    It is great that Still Here has such wonderful self control. I can have some of that control as well. When my husband was drunk I carried 2 babies and nursed them and never had a drop of liquor. That would be a total of 25+ months. He had it in the home, I did not touch it. I remember vividly pregnant with our first child and telling him not to drink too much because I might go into labor and need him to drive. Did it work? Not that I remember. Luckily it was daytime when I went to the hospital. With our 2nd he was better, but then that one was planned.
    Believe me I understand the concern of having liquor in the home. I understand more that I want to but I feel that we are both big boys and girls and we can handle the situation.

  3. I completely agree with the viewpoints espoused by Still Here.

    With all due respect to the wife:

    There is a sexy but evil temptress at your front door, calling your husband’s name. He sees her. He wants her. He struggles every day with his desire for her. If he goes to her, she will destroy him. She’s there on your doorstep right now.

    Are you going keep the door shut with the deadbolt engaged, or are you going to open the door and let her in??

    Get the booze out of the house.

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