The Self Centered Alcoholic

Yup, I’m still a self centered alcoholic.  Wife was going out of town to see her dad and taking the kids with her, so I was looking forward to some alone time to ride and chill and just watch some movies with my stereo system.  Out of the blue my dad calls saying he’s going to be stateside for his sister in law’s funeral, so he wants to swing by to say hi.   Ya great that’d be awesome to see you dad, it’s been almost 2 yrs prolly.  I’ve mentioned my dad lives in Germany and is basically stuck there caring for his wife right?  She’s got Alzheimer’s and has been a vegetable for years.  He’s taking awesome care of her tho.

So he’s going to be coming in, and it delays my wife leaving for a day so he can see the kids, then it’s just me and him for a week.  No big deal, except I don’t have any time to take off work to be with him, so he’ll be alone all day till I get home.  He’s got a rental car and he stayed at the house so no biggie.  I was freaking out with what to do with him tho.  In previous trips when he came to visit we’d just sit around and drink the whole time.  He quit drinking over a year ago after having a semi-quasi heart attack/panic attack. Doc called it a panic attack, he calls it a heart attack.  And of course I’ve been sober for 9 months now so no more of that.

We watched tv, movies, went out to eat, nothing too strenuous. He’s had knee and hip surgery recently so he’s not really up for anything too taxing.  But I felt like I was entertaining the whole time.  Which I spose is what you do when you have guests.  I hate being social.  I hate entertaining.  I hate parties/socials/get togethers.  I don’t want to stand around talking.  It’s a waste of fucking air.  Socially awkward penguin is socially awkward apparently.

He left today to fly back to germany and I feel a mix of emotions.  Thankful we were able to spend time together b/c we rarely are able to, thankful he’s gone b/c now I get my oh so coveted alone time (self centered alkie much?), guilt b/c of being glad he’s gone b/c I know that someday he’ll be gone for good, etc, etc, etc….He’s your dad for chrissake.  Show a little fucking compassion and gratitude why don’t ya?

Wife comes back with the kids in a couple days so I’ll just chill for a bit after work tonight I guess.  There’s any number of activities I need to/could do, but I don’t feel like doin a damn thing.  I know I’ve mentioned before about my general apathy and how I keep everyone(family included apparently) at arm’s length.  Yup, still have that problem.  Nope, haven’t worked on it any so not really surprised by it.  Nope, no real plans to anytime soon either.

Just another reminder I’m a self centered alcoholic.  We claim progress not perfection.  But it’s been almost a month since I’ve even been to a meeting.  So haven’t been working that much either.  Still stuck on step 6.  Not ready to ask for the removal of my faults from my so called higher power.

~ by sobriety6923 on June 6, 2012.

7 Responses to “The Self Centered Alcoholic”

  1. Hey! Step 6 & 7…I’ll let you in on a little secret…I broke it up into two parts. The first part, I was struggling with anger so much that, even before I did my 5th step, I did step 6 & 7 to ask my Higher Power to take that anger away. (shhhh…don’t tell!)

    Which did, in fact happen! The anger left, because it was what I wanted so much at that moment, and my Higher Power took it away! Now, I’m not saying I still don’t get angry, but it takes much more now to get me there, and nowhere near the amount of things that used to bother me then bother me now. And, of course, there’s step 10, which says if I do mess up, I immediately make amends for it.

    It wasn’t long after that where I want back and finished my step 5, and after that, step 6 & 7 came pretty easy for the rest of my character defects.

    Long ass story, I know, but the short of it is…allow your Higher Power to take one or two character defects away (consider it an Engineering TEst Sample!) And, hopefully, once the magic happens, you’ll go back for the rest.

    Nine months! Keep going back!

    • ya, my sponsor has told me before if I don’t feel like praying I could take a shot at asking to want to pray. don’t even feel like doing that for whatever reason. 1 or 2 might be the way to go tho. thanks for the idea.

  2. Eh. This just seems normal, not necessarily alk-related. Who doesn’t need alone time? And having houseguests is a strain no matter how much you love them. Tell you what — he was prolly glad to get on that plane too, back to normal life, away from good fatherly behavior with his boy. Just two people who love each other, that’s all. Doesn’t stop you being human. Sounds like a good visit.

    • ya, it was. and you’re right. didn’t even think about how he was prolly ready to go back home as well. kind of along the lines of when I hear people I know talking about others behind their back, I always wonder what they say about me behind my back. but then I don’t care either. and then when my fam goes to visit, how they’re prolly glad to have us leave.

  3. 🙂 and guilty about feeling that way. It’s how good people do.

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