Break Me

You ever wonder what would break you?  Not physically per se, but emotionally I suppose.  Everyone has their breaking point.  Some would get there sooner, and some may take longer to get there.  Of course it’s all dependent on the person and the events that would conspire to land the person at that destination. Everyone would be different as well to some degree, tho I imagine there would be a large segment of common occurrences that would be enough to do it.

I must really need to get back into meetings if this is where my mind is going lately.  I attribute it to being bored at work b/c there’s no work, which means I’m on overhead instead of project charge numbers, which makes me paranoid, and gives my mind time to wander.  It’s also been almost a month since I’ve been to a meeting.  Thoughts of doubt and paranoia pervade.  Ya, need to get back in.  been lazy lately.

My family is coming back home today from visiting my wife’s dad.  It’s about an 8hr trip in the best of circumstances.  My wife will be driving through a lot of rain today, by herself with 2 kids in a car.  She did the same thing last week in the rain, and has done it a bunch before, but it is still worrisome.  And I know I’m not following my own rule here, not worrying about that which I can’t control.  But the thought has before, and this time again popped in my head:  if they all died, it would break me.

Forget about being sober, forget going to work, forget paying the bills, forget feeding the dog and cat.  I would be broken.  I can’t even imagine the raw emotion that would consume me.  Forget the 7 stages of grief from giving up alcohol.  I just can’t imagine it.  We see on TV or in books all the time these tragic heroes that have lost everything, but persevere to exact their revenge, or overcome to see justice is served, etc….there’s just no way.  I’m not strong enough.

It is said God doesn’t give you anymore than you can handle.  I don’t know if I believe that, but I can also see it. Kinda.  I don’t think I could handle if one of my kids was born autistic.  I don’t think I could handle if my wife or kids were in some horrible accident and left handicapped mentally or physically.  Hell, as a recovering alcoholic, I can barely sometimes handle everyday life.  That’s what the booze takes from you(one of many things): your ability to deal with life; because it becomes your crutch.

So, bad things man.  Why am I even pondering these things?  Dunno.  It’s just where I ended up today.  TTFN.

~ by sobriety6923 on June 8, 2012.

One Response to “Break Me”

  1. “God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.”

    One day at a time, my friend…one day at a time….its all good!

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