Willingness and Obsession

This is really a Step 6 post, even tho I’m leaning on Step 3 for a bit.  Because my sponsor told me to, that’s why.  Been stuck on step 6 for awhile now.  Not really working it hard, or at all, but it’s there, just hangin out in the back, waiting to be called up.  There’s a steps/tradition meeting I go to on Tuesday nights sometimes, it’s one my sponsor recommended, and I’ve actually grown to like it a bit.  Last night just happened to be, you guessed it, a review of step 6.

“Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character”

Man, I’ve struggled with this one for awhile.  I haven’t been ready, or even wanted to ask God to remove all my defects of Character….which is step 7 btw.  But before you ask, you have to be ready to have them taken.  I’ve literally wanted to hold on to them.  Fubar, I know.  I spose it goes back to having to ask for help.  God I hate that.  Hate, Hate, HATE asking for help.  Fuck your sobriety and fuck your program, I can do this on my own.  (obviously not as evidenced in previous posts but just getting the point across)  The point is, it requires humility.

Step 7 : Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings

Humbly.  Humble.  Humbug.  Humility.  Penitence even?  Penitent penitent penitent, only the penitent man shall pass.  The penitent man is humble.  The penitent man kneels before god…KNEEL!!

Fornicate that Excrement

fuck that shit

No, I guess not.  I am ready to ask at least for a few of them to be removed.  But getting back to step 3.  My sponsor told me to re-read the chapter on step 3 in the steps/tradition book.  The chapters and steps of steps 3 and 6 have to do with willingness.

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our lives and our will over to the care of god as we understood him

Step 6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character

….became willing to turn our lives and will over

….became willing to have our defects removed (asking comes next) (first comes love, then comes marriage….)

nigga please

Meh, my will is still such that I’m not willing to ask for all.  Someday my will will be willing, not saying it’ll never be willing, but it will take some more time and less will to be less willful. Ya, I crack myself up, Will Hunting approves of this attempted stab at frivolity, deems it Good even.

Sooo, the next thing I need to add to the list, fairly high up on the priorities, is to go ahead and ask for those I’m ready for.  And then keep coming back as I’m ready.  Hell, I need to go back and find my step 4 list for that matter b/c I remember there being a shit load.  I think right now I’m ready for 3.  Meh, baby steps.

The other thing I wanted to mention was also from last night’s meeting.  There’s a kid in there (he’s not a kid, I don’t know how old he is, but he’s got less time sober than me so he’s a kid; just like I’m a kid to the folks with more time than me) (in my little pea brain at least) but anyway, this kid just turned over 30 days a while back, and he was asking the group “when does it stop?”  as in when does the desire to drink stop?  Real ballsy question to ask.  But that’s the point of the meetings, to ask and receive guidance from folks who’ve been there.  So of course everyone chimed in on it, and really the consensus was that it’s different for everybody.  Some folks were able to pinpoint the exact moment they got over their obsession.  Some (me) not so much.  I am definitely over my “obsession” with drinking.  And damn glad to meet ya.  There are, however, still times where it rears its ugly head.  But ya, I hadn’t thought of it really like that, but I’m no longer obsessed with drinking.  God that makes me so happy and thankful, and grateful, and….there’s just no words.  Sometimes, I guess there’s just not enough rawks.

So I can take partial credit on Step 6 at least.  Don’t know if I want to wait and take full credit on 6 before moving to 7 or if I’ll just piece meal it.  Even harder for me than being ready to ask for help, is to actually ask for help.

Btw…there were several obscure movie references in this post.  Gold star if you get ‘em all.  Don’t cheat either.

~ by sobriety6923 on June 20, 2012.

4 Responses to “Willingness and Obsession”

  1. Miss you on LCFriends

  2. thanks. haven’t been by in awhile. and thank you for stopping by here.

  3. I can kinda-sorta relate.

    I’ve been going to church faithfully for years, I read (and actually study) my bible. I’m very involved at church, volunteering on multiple levels. I truly believe that I’m a child of God and that Jesus died on the cross for my sins. I’m down with the whole John 3:16 thing.

    Where I stumble and where I hesitate is actually asking Jesus to be my savior. The bible says that for us to achieve this free gift of salvation, we must ask for it. It’s not automatic, just because we’re nice or just because we volunteer at church or just because we tithe. No, we have to reach out and consciously ask for the salvation that awaits us.

    I struggle with this because of my character defects. I know this is wrong, okay, but in my heart I feel that I need to clear my defects out and present myself to God as a pure-of-heart soul who’s ready for His salvation. I know that is wrong. God loves us and it’s His grace and mercy that will clear the character defects out. Jesus already paid the price for them. God will accept me, no matter how dirty I am.

    But I feel this need to be clean before I present myself to Him. Backwards thinking. I just can’t get myself over this hurdle. So I teach Sunday School to kids, telling them to take Jesus into their hearts so that they may achieve eternal life in heaven, and I haven’t done it myself.

    And then the second prong to this….if I actually accept Jesus as my savior and expect salvation and eternal life, I better walk the walk and talk the talk, right? So once I take that big step and I’ve been “saved”, I better not have any impure thoughts or do anything that doesn’t glorify God, right? I better act all Christian-like 24/7. I better not commit a sin. Well, sometimes sin feels pretty good. Sometimes sin is fun. Right?

    I’m not entirely sure I can stay away from the character defects and sinful behavior that I’ve allowed in my life. Ergo, keep God at bay a little while longer, so I can have my fun. Then when I’m older and Lawrence Welk is my idea of a fun Saturday night, then and only then will I ask Jesus to join the party. That way I won’t miss out on anything.

    Dang, that’s pitiful and childish and stupid. And I know it’s wrong, but there it is. And no, I don’t plan on waiting….I’m very close to asking Jesus into my life, getting baptized and really embracing this lifestyle 100 percent. I’m just not quite there yet.

    So your musings about the character defects….I understand. This non-alcoholic struggles with giving them up too. I suppose I need to ask God to take mine away…But some of them are kinda fun. It feels slimy to ask God into my life, ask him to take my (fun) character defects away, then consciously chase after a couple. The fun is then gonna feel kinda slimy. Guilt, anyone?

    Momma always told me not to look into the eyes of the sun….but momma, that’s where the fun is.

    On a side note….hubby achieved three days of sobriety this week. On day four he popped a beer. At least he tried.

    • 1st off: congrats to hubby. The first 30 days are a bitch. B: I wonder if it’s set up delibarately so u can receive salvation, fall, go back again, fall again. Lather rinse repeat. Point being, u keep going back.

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