Fuck it all and Fuck It


this will be a rant.  if you don’t like profanity, then you should fuck off.

the last month and a half has sucked shit.  donkey balls.  big ones.  Just as stuff was starting to come together up here and we were getting into a routine, my wife has a spill and breaks her leg.  We were up on Stone Mtn, had taken the tram up and were going to hike down.  We were walking around the top checking things out when my son slipped and fell, then my wife slipped helping him.  He was fine.  She wasn’t.

So for the last 3 wks we’ve had family members staying with us, helping out, b/c my wife can’t even drive anywhere.  It’s her right leg that broke, right above the ankle.  Had to have a plate, screws, everything.  No it’s not her fault she fell, and I’m not blaming her, or my son, or anything, but it has sucked.  Mainly b/c this motherfucking self centered alcoholic has had to step up to the plate and not get to do things he’s wanted to do.  We lost a whole fucking month of going to State parks and checking out leaves changing colors.  Hiking, biking, exploring.  nope.  stuck at home.  sitting on our asses watching tv. My mom came to help, then my wife’s mother in law, then my wife’s niece, now just before christmas, we’re alone.  Now her uncle just passed from cancer and we’ll prolly have to blow our holiday plans to go to that.  fuck this self centered asshole just can’t catch a break.

on top of it, work has sucked donkey balls too.  I’m coming along, but to say we’ve been busy would be an understatement.  then the fucking dog got into something outside and got all tore up.  Couple hundred at the vet for that.  Then the fucking cat got into something outside and all tore up.  Nother few hundred for that.  When does it fucking end?  I want to crawl in a fucking hole and make the world go away. and I know exactly how I’d do it too.  and then sandy hook too on top of it all?  burn in hell motherfucker.  the past week I’ve just been looking at my kids and going through all the regular stuff with them and my family and I keep thinking of the parents that don’t get to do that anymore. where was fucking god then?  and don’t say he was with the fucking hero teacher that shielded her kids b/c I don’t want to believe that.  I’d rather be angry about it.

But I won’t drink.  God damnit.  Noooo, I had to go and get fucking sober for some stupid shit reason.  Turned over 16 months in the middle of all this shit.  Found a home group and am planning on regular meetings through all this shit.

I.amnot.handling.this.well.

and I feel like such a god damn failure because of it.  What, you can’t even step up to the plate for a little bit and take over some chores around the house b/c the wife is laid up?  couldn’t even make it 4 days after the help left before breaking down? pussy.

the only reason I’m still sober through all this shit is b/c of AA.  and getting off my ass and finding meetings up here.  I’ve felt myself slipping here lately.  going back to the old bad thoughts.  bad things man.  my homegroup has monday meetings in the evening.  I’ve been weighing whether I should go to the christmas eve one.  I’d like to, but feel bad about leaving the fam on christmas eve, of all nights, to go to a meeting.

one day at a time

keep coming back, it works if you work it

god, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

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~ by sobriety6923 on December 20, 2012.

2 Responses to “Fuck it all and Fuck It”

  1. Wow! Need to chat, you know how to find me.

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