Why Yes, I did fuck that up apparently

Friend of mine got married over the weekend.  I was not invited. Seeing the pics on Facebook are bringing the pain.  This guy was in my wedding 13 yrs back as one of my groomsmen and we used to be pretty good friends.  I guess(no, I’m pretty sure, I just can’t remember exactly from being too drunk I spose) somewhere along the line I fucked up our friendship. Don’t know what exactly I did, but the results speak for themselves.  Haven’t spoken with him or hung out with him since the football season before I got sober, and did not receive an invite to the wedding.  I was already pretty sure he was going to be on the Step 8 list, as well as the step 9 follow through, now it’s confirmed.  Maybe someday I’ll share with him how hurt and sorry I am, but not today.  It’s not about me or my hurt feelings.  It’s about him and his chosen friends/family having a great time celebrating his wedding.

But damn it hurts.  So what’s the lesson here?  Ironically enough I couldn’t sleep last night (I don’t sleep well anymore at all) and I was up watching Warrior.  It’s got Nick Nolte as the estranged father with the two sons that don’t speak to each other and they end up fighting each other in a UFC type tournament.  I like the movie pretty well akshooly.  But I was up watching it reflecting on the bad relationships the father has with the sons, and how I’m so hard on my own son and I hope I don’t fuck that up either.  He’s only 5 so I’ve got plenty of time.  Then today in church(still hate church btw and have a hard time going but am trying to do right by the kids and wife) the preacher was talking about suffering and lessons.  What’s the lesson here?

Maybe this is a small snippet of what a bad relationship would be like.  Imagine this was your son man….not just a buddy from highschool you roomed with for a year in college and had in your wedding and oh btw got drunk at his house all the time during football season.  Imagine your son not wanting you to see his kids or be around at all.  Maybe that’s the lesson here.  Or your daughter too.  She’s 8.  Plenty of time still to fuck that up too.

And what about your wife?  Allllllllll the shit she’s put up with over the years?  What if she left and took the kids?  You’d have nothing.  You don’t have any friends.  You don’t keep up with anybody.  You don’t even want to visit family.  You’d rather be alone. This is what you’ve chosen.

You’ve know for awhile now via subtle hints your friend wasn’t really interested in having your around anymore.  This weekend was just the final nail in the coffin.  Hell, he even had your best man in his wedding too.  Unclear from facebook pics whether he was best man there too or just a groomsman.  And….you don’t keep up with him either.  you suck at friends. you know that?  you better not fuck up your family.  if you do, you will truly die miserable and alone.

~ by sobriety6923 on March 10, 2013.

4 Responses to “Why Yes, I did fuck that up apparently”

  1. Would you stop wallering around in your own sorrow! Would you please take a look back at the last year and realize your accomplishment? Alright, so a friendship suffered and it hurts but if you were always getting drunk at his house maybe he isnt a friend that you need to be around. You have taken enormous steps to change your life as well as the lives of your wife and kids. You are an amazingly strong person. To have beaten your habit is a sign of that. Would you please pat yourself on your back for once!

    • For some reason I am unable to back up and fix typos. Please excuse any more that may appear.

      You said what would you have if you messed up with the wife and kids and she left what would you have—some sorrow at first and then hopefully the realization that you have your sobriety and therefore your life and you COULD and WOULD pick up and move on. You will always be their father and always involved in their lives. You can change the way you analyze your interactions with them.

      But—she isnt leaving with the kids she is there by your side so, why are you strssing over this???

      • Stop being soooo negative! Grieve a bit for the friendship and then move on. Dont look back, move forward!

        Guess i am done now!

    • You’re right. That’s a much better way of looking at it. I haven’t beaten it tho. It’s a daily, constant struggle. I’ll have beaten it when I die happy, sober, and not alone.

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