Losing My Virginity
4yrs 3 months’ish sober now. 51 months.
I wonder what the reason will be when I pick up another drink. Let’s be honest, it’s not a matter of if. Just a matter of when. What’s the reason gonna be for me to pop my cherry and have another drink?
Some major life event like a family member falling seriously ill or dying? Loss of job? Divorce? Letting the daily grind win and just finally throwing up my hands and saying to fuck with it?
When I was in highschool we lived in Germany for awhile. Ramstein AFB. 1989-1992. Middle of 8th grade to end of 10th grade. Fanfreakintastic experience overall. While I was there I got involved in a Church Youth Group called Choices. Great group. God Bless the folks that ran that group. Anyway, the group took a retreat trip once with another youth group and I ended up meeting some other kids, had some deep discussions, got into a little trouble, yada yada yada.
Ironically enough the reason I left was my parents divorced, and I’ve quite convinced myself since that there is no god. Oh sure, billions of people all over the world have got it all wrong and I’m the only one in my right mind. <rolls eyes>
Please if you’re out there. Help me believe again.
Dorky kid in the back middle, black jacket with yellow’ish strip. Yup. Yours truly.
At the end we all signed each other’s bibles like signing your yearbook. There was a priest that was there and lead the retreat. One of the discussions we had was on the topic of premarital sex. At the time I was a virgin. One of the signatures I got in my bible was along the lines of “don’t ever give away what you can never get back unless it’s right by you” Like don’t give it up unless its on your terms.
Interestingly enough (maybe only to me), is the parallel between that and picking up the next drink. When I take that next drink and give up my sobriety, what’s going to be the reason? Is it going to be alright by me? Or am I just going to give up and say to fuck with it?
Oh I spose I could hold on to it just to spite whatever the reason is. Kinda like “Fuck You, I’ll be damned if I waste my sobriety on you” End of the day tho, I’ll either be all like “sure let’s drink again no big deal”, or “fuck it all and fuck it I give up”, or I’ll be so beat down I’ll waste my sobriety on whatever it was that was bugging me.