I have seen my End


Soooo, I’m back in the states now from Germany.  Haven’t had a drink.  Yet.

Dad’s all set up in the Memory Care facility.  Been back to work since beginning of December, made it through Christmas, glad that’s over with.

Since getting back with Dad, been trying to see him at least middle of the week, then on the weekend.  That’s been fine.  It’s an adjustment, but it’s fine.  Now since it’s been Christmas break, been seeing him almost every day for the past week.

Normal thing is to go pick him up in the afternoon and have him over for dinner then a movie at the house and take him back to his apartment.

If you’ve never been to a “home”, lemme tell you, it’s God Damn depressing.  Men and women at the end of their life, wandering around aimlessly the hallways in their wheelchairs, all manner of physical and mental ailment.  This isn’t even a “home” per se’.  It’s a “Memory Care” facility.  These folks have mental in-capacities and some medical issues, but they don’t require 24/7 medical attention like at a Nursing Home.

Still tho….I’ve had my heart broken more in the last month than I don’t know when.  It’s not just being with my dad and trying to be grateful for the time I’ve been given, but it’s seeing all the others in the facility and how they are.  Between Dad fussing about how the food is horrible, or their’s nobody there he can relate to, or how he can’t even handle the simplest of cognition’s; and the little old lady in the wheelchair pulling herself down the hallway by her hamstrings asking you for help with something as you walk by that you’re unable to even understand much less do anything about.  It’s just heart breaking to see people in that condition.  Just take me out back and shoot me.  Put me out of both of our miseries.

If this is the end of life…..then what the fuck was the point of any of it?  All the work we do during our lives, the little bit of money we make, and then to end up with our mental and physical well being on the long slow decline.  fuck.

Makes me want to quit my job, sell all my shit, and just go live whatever notion of a dream I thought I had.  Nice little shanty on the side of a mountain somewhere.  (don’t forget about the internet and satellite tv tho)

People say it’s all about your attitude towards life.  That’s something I really struggle with.  I don’t know how to be positive about all this pain and suffering.  I was trying to remember to be grateful for 3 things everyday, but I’ve kind of wandered away from that now.  All life is, is one big drudgery of being tired and  moving on to the next task to complete.  Fuck, how did I get here?

But ya, if I end up anything like my dad, I have seen my end.

 

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~ by sobriety6923 on December 29, 2016.

2 Responses to “I have seen my End”

  1. Having walked somewhat of the same path, I have seen it too. I say it everyday, “we do all this (stress and Bs) for what?” Then it makes me want what I’ve dreamed of, now, while I can still enjoy it. So, what does that do–adds more stress and pressure. It’s a nasty circle.
    I usually try to give your posts something positive, some sunshine. Sorry, I can’t do that this time. I have to agree with you.
    I saw a quote that I like. It’s superficial, yet makes a clear point.
    “Life is short. Buy the shoes, eat the cake, take the trip.”

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