On the Uselessness of All This, or, I am the Architect of my own Imprisonment

Me : Nosedive? Sure, let’s take a nosedive. All of this is completely useless.

Also Me : Quit trying to figure life out and just live you stupid fuck. All this trying to figure it out has ever brought you is doubt, fear, and anger.

Me : ya but, if there’s no point to all this then why am I wasting all these beautiful days inside a fucking cube farm when I could be out enjoying life?

Also Me : we’ve had this talk idgit. Think long term, think about the future. What you’re doing right now is setting the future for your kids, for your retirement with your wife, and playing with grandkids. Besides, you’ve had a pretty damn good run lately. Why not focus on the good?

Me : What, the great spring break and then the Gator spring football weekend? Ya, those were great but now here we are back to the grind and it sucks. Am totally bonking on this afternoon sitting at my desk. Shit, I can’t even find a nice quiet place in the building to go hide. Working from home wouldn’t work either b/c homeslice is home sick today and mommy’s home watching him poor kid.

Also Me : the sweet is never as sweet without the sour, besides, tomorrow will be awesome. You get the morning to yourself after the kids get to school and wife goes to half day sub gig. Then a nice lunch and afternoon with her after. But wait, is this because we hung out with dad last night? I thought we had a pretty good time.

Me : ya we did, but I guess it still wears on me seeing him like that and seeing me through him in X number of years. The fear of decay without having the chance to enjoy more.

Also Me : Again, we’ve had this talk idgit. Everything in your life is a lesson. The lesson for us with dad has been spend more time with your family, be less worried about career success and provide a great life at home. Aaaaaand enjoy life now as much as you can. Besides, we’re pretty financially secure now and that brings freedom.

Me : well ya, captain obvious, but it also contributes to this general feeling of melancholy because in prior years I didn’t do fun stuff because I was drunk and broke. Now I’m sober and secure and still can’t enjoy the freedom as much as I’d like to.

Also Me : o.m.F.g. would you listen to yourself? Whiny little bitch much? You have more than 80% of the rest of the whole fucking human race. You have a house, family with awesomefantasplendiferous wife and kids, cars, toys, job, etc….you’re doing pretty damn good. You’ve only been secure for around a year. Sure we have to keep working because we haven’t reached that level, so keep fucking working. We are on a path towards the things you speak of, but obviously you haven’t learned your lesson on Patience completely yet.

Me : well, you kinda got me there. Remember that exercise Pug had to do in book 2 of the Riftwar Saga? He’d been a slave on Kelewan after being captured from Midkemia, then while a slave he was discovered to have the power within him by a Great One so he was brought to the Magician’s Academy? Then while there he had the daily exercise of using the pail to take water from the bottom trough and fill the top trough with it only to have it drain down through the successive troughs? It was a mindless repetitive activity designed to allow him as a student to put his body on autopilot while his mind was free to wander unencumbered. He did it for a pretty damn long time (he was at the Academy almost 4 years) before he realized the lesson and was able to move from the White Robe to the Grey.

The lesson being…..He was the Architect of his own imprisonment.

Maybe I just haven’t done enough trough filling yet.

Also Me : heh, well that’s one way to put it. This isn’t all Useless just because you haven’t filled enough troughs yet….Architect something else.

Me : True. Levelling Out.

~ by sobriety6923 on April 19, 2018.

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