In the chute


Here we are 1 year later counting down to Dad passing away.  I never really detailed that did I?  Closest I prolly got to mentioning it was The Parts of Us and A Retreat of Sorts.  We are in the chute ready to go one year later to work through the rest of the feels.

Today Monday Jan 27 2020 it hit me….today was the day a year ago I got the call and Dad went to the ER.  It was a Sunday.

Around 5 in the evening I get a call from one of the LPN’s at the facility saying Dad had a fall and was going to the ER.  If I remember right, a call came from Dad’s room that I ignored, immediately followed up with a call from the LPN’s phone.  I frequently would let Dad’s calls go to voicemail.  ya, I know…

Dad had been in the Dining Room and gotten up out of his chair unassisted, then tripped and fell into a chair on his left side.  He was sent to the ER.

By the time I arrived at the ER, Dad was still on an EMT gurney and had not gotten a bed yet in the ER.  So, we got Dad situated in the ER, doc checked him out, bloodwork and Chest scan.  I remember too in the middle of it another person came in that looked like an OD right next to us.  It was pretty gnarly.  Dad himself didn’t look too bad but the doc noticed pneumonia(?) so Dad was admitted to the hospital.

He was in the hospital all week and I was visiting him everyday when around Thursday they told me they had caught something else while doing a test….Dad had broken/cracked ribs that had perforated his left lung.  Dad was moved to ICU as a result.

After getting moved to ICU, doc laid the bad juju down…..surgery could be done to fix, but was a difficult recovery and not guaranteed it would be a fix.  Basically, Dad’s lung had collapsed and was filled with blood.  I had to make the choice of doing the surgery or going to Hospice.

I chose Hospice.  So, Sunday Jan 27 2019 Dad went to the ER after the fall, by Thursday’ish Jan 31 2019 Dad was moved to ICU, then Sunday Feb 3 2019 Dad was moved to Hospice on my call as only child and legal guardian.  Dad’s wife had passed 3yrs prior.

Monday Feb 4 2019 Dad passed at 1657 hrs EST.

I was blessed to be with him at the end.  I had been with him that day anyway.  Had a nice lunch with my preacher buddy so I was away for that, then later that afternoon an Elder buddy from Church stopped by to say hi for a bit.  Wife and kids were in school and work that day.  After he left, I was about to go refill my water bottle out of the room when I noticed Dad’s breathing change, and his eyes opened for the first time in a few days.  He was on some pretty nice drugs to try to keep him comfortable and had been sleeping most of the time.

It was like he was telling me it was time.  I was blessed to be able to catch his eyes opening so I went and sat by his bedside and held his hand instead of missing it filling up a damn water bottle.  His breathing continued to change and get more ragged.  I started just softly telling him it was Ok, he could let go, his wife Tina was waiting for him….then he was gone.  I was able to share his last moment with him, just the two of us, my hand in his.

Even tho I knew what had happened, I was still in a bit of shock.  I think I sat there for a little bit, then went and got the Hospice nurse to confirm.  After that was a whirlwind.  Another Elder buddy from Church showed up not too much after and I was able to have my breakdown with him.  Wife and kids showed up too and Dad and I were surrounded by loved ones and friends.

Whirlwind continued after that, making arrangements and coming to terms, to get us to here, today.

I’ve made a lot of progress the last year, but today it’s like it’s all wiped away.  All the therapy, new drugs, new outlook on life…..a big ol gut punch came and knocked it all away.

Sure it’ll come back and I’ll feel better again, I’m sure of it.  But right now, all the fuck this shit everything is pointless is back front and center and in control.

~ by sobriety6923 on January 27, 2020.

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